Hello friends!
Today marks day 1111 on my sober journey and since I missed my 3 year Soberversary post as my mom had knee surgery the day prior, I thought today would be a perfect day to check in and share a bit of my story with my TS friends! <3
1111 days ago, I woke up SO sick. Again. I felt horrid. My face was pretty unrecognizable. I couldn’t stop throwing up or get out of bed. My dog wouldn’t leave my side even for a second. I was at the lowest of the low. I realized that day that my body was shutting down, because if we continue drinking poison, it always does. I just didn’t think it would happen to me. I truly didn’t think I was an alcoholic.
I had joined TS the week prior-I had forgotten about this with my wet brain. I had the genius idea to purchase the same mixers I always added my vodka to. This was not a smart decision for me. Not only did they not taste right without the booze, it was the perfect set up so when my alcoholic partner came home from work Friday night with more vodka after I had already planned to quit a few days prior, it was far too easy to cave with all other supplies on hand. That was was my last drunk.
Leading up to this day, my life was an absolute mess. I didn’t recognize it really. I looked around me and my house was so disorganized and chaotic. My living situation was horrific. No boundaries, I gave EVERYTHING I had and more, I was trying to raise other’s children and letting them walk all over me as their father did too. There was no order. No family connectedness. It was completely disconnected and chaotic. I mean, my “partner” and I were SO disconnected, I had to ask for a hug once a year and was still made to feel bad for that. He’d ask, “Why do you need a hug? You know, there are other people out there who just hug themselves” and I thought, wtf is wrong with me then? I felt so lost. I was miserable. I had no peace. I didn’t know who I was. I hated my life. And I was drinking myself to death to avoid dealing with it.
I was a child of an alcoholic father-it runs quite strongly on that side of the family. He loved me with all he had in him, but he was a lost soul too-always in his own alcoholic world. I was very fortunate, he was never mean, just totally absent. I also had a martyr mother who unintentionally ended up giving me the message that what I wanted didn’t matter in life, so I often filled in where ever I saw I could be useful. When I was 6, my sister who was 15 and lived with us, had my first niece. I often would help take care of her. A year later, my nephew arrived. Life was put on hold for everyone to help raise those babies. It was a labor of love, but it also started me down a lifelong path of self-sacrifice.
Growing up, I always knew that alcohol was going to be the death of my father. I just always knew. I would write notes to him and beg him to quit drinking. Dump his alcohol down the drain. Throw away his pot. I would have dreams of him dying repeatedly, always in a different vehicle. I remember I wrote a poem telling him that it was going to kill him by the time I turned 14. A month and a half before my 14th birthday, he died in a drunk driving accident on his way home from the bar. Thank god he was the only one injured in that accident.
My family was lost. I tried to save him and I couldn’t-this was a perfect combination for being shown how to put everyone else’s needs first. I tried to save more people-ultimately I lost myself in doing so. I didn’t know how to have functional relationships-all I’d ever seen were dysfunctional ones. And when we lost my dad, it was no different-my mom and sister went to the bar to drink their sorrows away and I was 14 and left at home with 3 kids. So, two of my cousins would come to help too. The thing is, we had a liquor cabinet so we decided we’d make babysitting more fun by making juice and dumping in alcohol. We had been smoking for years like adults did (I started at age 6) and we figured alcohol was no different. I remember my sister also buying me wine coolers so I’d babysit-to this day she swears she didn’t but I very much remember the black raspberry ones in particular for whatever reason. So, that’s when my drinking really began.
As a teen, I drank every weekend. When I wasn’t doing it while babysitting, I was with my friends. I was always sick when I drank. Mom would ALWAYS know when I came home, because I was sick. Gee Mandi, what did you do last night? Nothing mom…She knew. But she also knew that one thing I wouldn’t do is drink and drive because of my dad. If I had one sip of booze, I was adamant about not driving then. So, she didn’t worry about me once I started telling her the truth after being caught lying enough times. If I was honest with her, we were good. So I saw that as permission to drink more! I was in bad and controlling relationships, bad situations, dangerous even at times and I still didn’t think anything of it.
When I was 19, I got pregnant with my son. I wanted NOTHING to do with partying then-I went into ultra-mom mode and wouldn’t even let people smoke near me. I was a devoted mom and LOVED every second of being with my son. His father had turned 21 when I was pregnant and he was active in his addictions too. He was often out at the bar or a party, I’d wake up in the middle of the night and he was gone at some chicks house usually. He came home so messed up that he peed in our bed. I was not happy with how things were going and decided I wanted to leave by the time my son was 4. I wanted out and I was told under no uncertain circumstances that we’d be sleeping under separate roofs with our son, it would be over one of our dead bodies-and I was quite sure he meant that wholeheartedly. So, I said fuck it-if you can’t beat 'em join 'em and I fell right back into it.
I tried to go out and drink at the bars after I turned 21, but that became an issue. When it was my turn to drink and have my ex be the DD, he’d end up more drunk than when it was his turn to drink. After two scary rides home, I said fuck that. I’m drinking at home now-the party needs to come to us! We’d drink on the weekends and host barbecues. We’d do all the food too-most weekends were on average $150-$250/weekend. Usually toward the $250 range. Having all the people around too kept me from focusing on how miserable my life was-I leaned on my friends a lot.
After over a decade of this, things there got worse naturally. I was giving everything I had, he wasn’t working, he had another woman in my house literally daily to snort pills and smoke weed with her. I still couldn’t walk away. I thought I was doing what was “best” for my son. After 4 years of this and my health going to hell in a handbasket because of the stress, we finally separated so they could be together. I knew it was a blessing but I was egoicly devastated. And I drank then too. I remember getting SO drunk that I was sure I was going to throw up in a bucket in my nieces room right after I packed up his stuff into his car and dropped it off at his parents house. Not my proudest moment. I was crying every single day. I was just a hot mess. Until the next shiney thing came I could cling on to-which was the man who I lived with at the time I quit drinking. But before I quit, I was a daily blackout drinker who didn’t remember the end of the day often-just because it ended in “y”.
When I quit drinking, I had cut back to weekend drinking primarily. Tried all the rules. Different poisons. But I was still blacking out and weekends were starting to extend from Thursday to Monday again. It was clear it was time. The TS community was my lifeline. I spoke with other alcoholics who literally saved my life. I did NOT think I was an alcoholic-I had a case of terminal uniqueness. I thought, you know, I am not like everyone else-I think I could drink like a “normal” person! That scary ass thought went on at least 6 months. I didn’t attend a program-I read a lot and was on here constantly and it started the gears turning in my slowing drying up brain. I didn’t think I was an alcoholic but I did start to see when the brain fog lifted how I literally had not one good reason to drink anymore. Everything I thought was true was total bullshit. I’m drinking to relieve stress…really? Because I’m pretty sure the shit you do when drinking CAUSES the stress. I’m drinking to celebrate. Really…So you drink poison to celebrate? Sounds more like self-sabotage to me. I’m drinking because it’s our family heritage…Well, it’s taken your dad and aunt, do you really want to be next? I’m drinking because I had a hard day at work…Way to set yourself up for another hard day tomorrow! It was all complete bullshit. That I did know for sure.
My relationship of course fell immediately apart too. It had been broken a very long time, I just hadn’t seen that. He was also VERY unimpressed with my recovery. Always pushed drinking. Ridiculed AA and recovery programs. Told me I wasn’t an alcoholic and I couldn’t be scared of drinking-He even went so far at Christmas as to demand that I HAD to drink. I told him to get bent. After we separated I found out he was an alcoholic. It didn’t dawn on me somehow, even when he made me hide the booze bottles when his parents came over and we couldn’t drink then either. I didn’t notice we always had booze when we connected too. The walls were too high to come down otherwise. So, when the booze was gone, so was any slight remaining connection there. So, this meant I had to fight for my recovery. This was the first time I had EVER put myself first. I had to want it enough to stay sober and to do some of the work on myself as things came up. I got a therapist that helped me get him out after my 1 year mark-I didn’t make any big changes in the first year and honestly that saved me from being homeless. And it gave me a LOT of opportunity for growth. Lots of self discovery too! It took 6 more months to get him out, but I did.
After I finally got the house settled 6 months later and feeling like my own again, covid hit. I started working from home. I was isolated again, completely. At the end of my drinking, this is also what I did-I isolated at home and drank basically alone. I was feeling ok about it, just uneasy from everything happening. I had also noticed that I was repeating old patterns in sobriety and so I was questioning that. I had started connecting to my HP and had just started asking, OK spirit, show me what is next. The next morning I woke up to a message asking if I had ever considered an AA Zoom meeting. I had not, but I had this feeling still I should do the steps. I had just hit 2 years sober and thought that was a strange time to do them. So, I asked if there were step meetings and said it was a silly idea, but I wanted to do those. He said he didn’t do his until he was 18 months sober and they completely changed his entire life. I was sold. He said I’m going to have my wife reach out to you. I said perfect. And when I heard from her I KNEW this was divine intervention.
When I was 4 months sober, I hit 4 AA meetings with my bestie. She was looking to get sober too and knew this was the way. I didn’t want to go-I thought I had it ALL figured out with my whopping 4 months of sobriety. At the time I went to support her, I didn’t go for me. Now I see that differently, I see that she went to help me get in the doors too. We went to 4 meetings total. It felt so uncomfortable for me. It was in a church. We were reading about Godly stuff. There was holding hands and prayers at the end. Women giving us numbers we never had intentions of calling. It felt weird and I just didn’t get it at the time. But, I also felt the power in the rooms, listening to other alcoholics who had DECADES of sobriety speak. I didn’t know ANYONE with sobriety that long. And one of those meetings, a lady who had the most amazing energy spoke and her journey and interests were SO similar to mine I immediately said to myself, “If I ever do these steps, it’s going to be with her”. Guess who the wife was that reached out?? This woman. I have goosebumps writing this out.
So, a year ago, 2 years into my sobriety I joined AA and it’s changed my life. I have learned SO much about myself by doing these steps this past year with my sponsor. I’m seeing my part in things and where I can change to get different results by taking action to DO something different. I’m repairing relationships that are allowing space for new and healthy connections to come in. It’s also freeing my body as I release the things I’ve held in my heart my entire life. It’s giving me a connection to my HP I had never even dreamed was possible. I’ve been LIVING, I’ve been out an exploring every single weekend, doing what I love-photography and energy work. I’ve allowed new people in my life to help me grow and expand with. I am not letting fears, doubts or insecurities rule me. And I’m following my inner guidance every step of the way-this is the biggest reward for me in my sobriety. Trusting that connection. Having my family back. Being able to show my son there is a new way to live and having healthy interactions with him and everyone else. Learning acceptance. Not bleeding on others when I interact with them because of my own issues. Not allowing others to bleed on me either and inserting boundaries. I’m learning how to ask for what I need. I have found my power and I am standing in it! My life today is NOTHING like it was 1111 days ago and I literally have this community to thank for that.
Sorry this is so long but I was guided to share my journey as I see it today with you all. If you are new, keep coming back. You truly CAN change your life. It takes work but you are worth it! This is life and death stuff friends, it’s no joke. It doesn’t have to suck forever. And for those who have walked this journey by my side, I am forever thankful for you and for @Robin for this site. You helped me save my life and this place will always have a special place in my heart. I really do love you all!
Life really is incredibly different now, more than I had dreamed of. And the good news? I feel like it’s only just begun. <3
Me, day 1 vs 3 years My 3 year coin
And just a few recent random photos
