Day 13 - 🍀 Lucky for Some!

Emotional Support
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Well, here l am at Station 13! It feels good to be back after a year of being away.
The place feels and looks a little different though,and l’m having a much harder time of it emotionally!

The last time l did Day 13 it was just before Xmas 2021 and l was in rehab.

Yes,l was away from my family, but at least l was in a safe place,being medically,physically and emotionally supported by a wonderful bunch of people who understood addiction (most of the staff were recovered addicts).

As l was totally cut off from the outside world,
I was able to be totally selfish and just make it all about me and my recovery.

I went to AA/NA meetings online,l went on outings, and did meditation,PT and yoga. I participated in workshops and art classes.l had counselling and psychotherapy sessions.

I thought it was a negative at the time,but now l understand! It was so l could really focus on one thing-to be sober and learn ways to stay that way.

This attempt at sobriety is being done at home without the crutch of Benzos at my beck and call,surrounded by real life issues,and people that understand addiction only from the victim’s perspective.

As it is the summer holiday season, we have a full house (family of 5). And having 3 teenage daughters, the place is raging with hormones and bubbling over with emotions!

To make matters worse,Covid moved in uninvited over Xmas,so we were all in iso in my very early days of being sober.

At Day 13,the physical symptoms of withdrawal have well and truly subsided,and it is a relief! But l am still very fragile emotionally and feel everything really acutely. There is nothing to shield me, no salve to wash over me and numb me,when things get hard.

I have felt the full brunt of my husband’s anger over the things l have done to our family during active addiction. It’s like he couldn’t wait any longer to let me have it; to really let me know how he feels now that lm not MIA.

The thing is, l’m not strong enough yet to deal with these strong emotions and l’m afraid that l am at high risk of relapse if this constant hostility continues.

I have tried to express this to my husband but his answer is “Of course, l can’t upset Andy, it’s all about Andy!”

I have tried to reassure him that it will not always be this way, and that l know l will have to start making amends to my family. But l can’t do this if l relapse.

Has anyone out there had a similar experience, and how did you deal with it without slipping or relapsing?

If anyone can offer any advice l would be really grateful? :heart:

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Oh im so happy you suggested that i come read your post , i felt so many emotions reading this and im so sorry thats its this hard . Right now it has to be about you , you need all of your strenght and courage so that you can say no to drinks.
Is there any way you can leave the house for Ă  couple of days ? Somewhere alone where you can find your inner self ?
I do a lot of guided mĂŠditation on you tube it helps me so much.
I have 2 teenagers here i feel you so much ! Hope covid is gone now , stay strong 13 days thats Ă  whole lot of work im so proud of you cant wait to say that for myself ! :heart:

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I don’t know if I can really help but I have dealt with something similar. U are absolutely right n that stressful situations and hostility and arguing doesn’t make it easier to stay clean and sober. My environment for me personally is crucial for me. I found for myself too that risk of relapse is higher, bcuz I’m trying to get clean and learn to coping skills for my emotions, but constant being in “battle” makes it hard to have that space to do that. Of course, we understand that we have obviously put those we love through alot thru our active addictions. And communication is sometimes tough as we get clean and sober. There’s alot of hurt feelings on both ends.
Now idk if this will help… but I did learn something in treatment long ago. I found a picture… its called “I” statements

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When I use to attempt to communicate, I’d often saying “you” (you did this and you did that) and the person I’m talking to would instantly get defensive. The conversation was over at this point. No one likes to feel like they are being attacked. When I started using “I” statements, I am owning my feelings, explaining why I feel like that, and then explaining what I need.
Sometimes the other person won’t accept this method lol sometimes the other person will just want to argue. I’ve had that happen before and if I ever feel Im being attacked verbally by another person (when the conversation isn’t going no where useful), I say, “I hear what you are saying and I understand why you’d feel upset. But I don’t want to make this worse by us arguing. I need time to just take a break so I’ll be in this room. I’m not ignoring you… I just need some time to gather my thoughts”.
Often times our loved ones need to see the change in us (like u explained).

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Honestly… u don’t know how much this post impacted me just now. I was going to type about my experience just now on a new thread. And I read ur comment.

I said no today to drugs for the 1st time in years!!! And u saying that, reinforced my decision. Thank u so much!

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Thanks for your kind words and advice, and for reading my post, Mel.

I had thought about getting away for a few days, but l think l felt too guilty leaving my husband with all the household responsibilities.

I shouldn’t presume he wouldn’t be supportive, as he has been in the past.
I think he’s just sick of the roller coaster ride of my addiction,and rightly so.

It must be difficult to be a bystander and have no control of what the other person does.

My husband and children are going camping in a few days so l will have a bit more headspace and peace.

But of course, it’s a double edged sword because lll be alone and vulnerable to the cunningness of my addiction. I will have to put some plans in place so l don’t bust again.

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Please feel free to pm me whenever you feel the need !!
I remmeber Once when i left my first big relation and found myself Ă  New home for me and my son i was so afraid to live by my self. Truth is i was on the streets surronded by people before that relationship and i never had a place to my own alone. I was overly dramatique stressed about that . And when the time came that i set up my place and make it Ă  home i remmeber strongly sitting on the couch proud for myself and feeling so much happiness , thinking I stressed out for nothing.
I really hope the same will happen to you ! Perfect time to get back at those yoga session or do whatever passion you have now !

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I feel for you… it’s not easy. I’m the wife in sobriety also and I have years of destruction behind me. Give yourself the permission to hide away in bed with Netflix, podcasts, YouTube etc to safely get away and not risk drinking. Getting serious about sobriety brings up alot of emotions on all sides, it’s a massive life change and perhaps your hubby is just protecting himself in a unhealthy way. They have put up with alot and they must worry that we may never be more than empty promises. Stick to being sober, allow yourself to feel your emotions in every degree and do your best not to react to your hubby’s unkindness. I truly believe that unless they themselves experience addiction, they just can’t understand. Fear and hurt can cause us all to act in very toxic ways, give it time and I promise you it will only get better. I wish you the very best :yellow_heart:

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The fallout from our addiction in a marriage can be difficult to ride out. Patience and self-care are key. Try not to look down the road. Keep yourself in today just dealing with today. I know it doesn’t seem good right now that your husband is venting but it is. @Butterflymoonwoman has given you some awesome tools for making this a more productive and turn venting into communication. You are doing great at 13 days Andy. Congrats and much love :green_heart:

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Thank you for your wise and kind reply! I really appreciate it and will reread your post in challenging times to remind me to stay put and stay strong!
At times of conflict with my husband,and less often with my children, l just want to run away. Every bone in my body tells me to run away, to the nearest bottle shop!
I find myself getting angry and resentful that l am being attacked, even though l am doing the one thing my family said they wanted - to be sober!!
Can’t they wait a few weeks at least, to vent their feelings? Can’t they see that l’m trying and that l’m hanging by a thread?!

I verbalise that l can’t handle it right now and that it’s not helpful in keeping me sober.
Then l get told l’m really selfish, and that it’s not all about me!

My Psychiatrist told me a long time ago, when l mentioned my husband was not keen on marriage or family counselling, that he has ‘seen whole families recover just by one person changing their behaviour’ (that would be me!)

I guess all l can do ATM is take ODAAT and try to get some time up to see if it helps my family dynamics. The most sober time l have managed in the last probably 8-10 years is 42days!

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Hi Mel, it’s been a while, so thought l would give you an update!:+1:

Things are much easier for me now.
I am on Day 24! So all the raw emotions no longer anaesthetised by alcohol,have settled quite a bit.

My husband and 3 teenagers have left the building to go camping!! Hallelujah! If l could have cracked a bottle to make a toast, l would have!!

But no, l’m going :muscle: strong! There’s a few things l’m doing differently this time - one of them being on here connecting with people!

My biggest mistake in the past was isolating myself- or wait, was that my cunning addiction that was doing it, and l was just buying into it?!

As l said earlier, my family have gone away camping for 10-12 days and l have enjoyed my own company immensely, for the first time in a long time.

I have been cleaning, redecorating, painting, planting

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Sorry Mel, must have pressed reply prematurely!:woman_shrugging:

Anyway, l was nearly finished, but just wanted to say that l have been sending my family updates and photos of what l have been up to, and they are thrilled with the changes they’ve seen in me.

It’s my eldest daughter’s 19th Birthday in a few days, so l’m going to surprise her with a new King size quilt and cover set. She is coming home early from camping to work, so l can’t wait to see her face!!
I haven’t been this excited to do something nice for someone else, in forever!

I think it’s the thought that she will know that l haven’t been drinking while she was away, because l would NEVER have gone out of my way to do anything like that while l was actively drinking-l was too self absorbed!

I guess l’m a little bit proud of myself for being good without needing to be watched or told!

I can’t remember what day you are on, but l think you are just a few days behind me,is that right? How are you faring so far?

Please let me know (PM me if you like) :heart:

• LOVE, HOPE, AND STRENGTH TO YOU •

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Oh andy ! Im so happy to have news from you and such great news too ! Wow how amazing you are , very proud that you hold on even while alone!
What are you planting ? I love all kinds of plants :heart:

You are trully inspiring me and it really warms my heart that you came up today.

I have not come to the group for a while because i relapse a few times. But im on day 4 and its going great i really try to not think about it and not adding more pression in my life.

I came to the understanding that i love the sober me more than the drunk me, i want to honore my self love. I want to think more about me in 2022 in a more healthy way !

Im really happy you checked in today i had my first craving when my bf called after work and i would usually ask him to bring back beer but i had the notification if your message on my phone and it brought me back to my True desires.
Thank you so much ! Lets keep in touch :heart:
Keep rocking !!! Exciting for your daughter birthday ! Cant wait to hear about that !
Talk to you soon !!! :heart::heart:

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