I too used/drank before almost every activity or task in order to get through it, and then rewarded myself after I finished with more. Those actions convinced my brain that I had to have those substances in order to complete or participate in essentially every aspect of my daily life.
Those neural pathways are well traveled and comfortable, and creating new pathways is hard. No longer having a chemical reward for doing things makes doing basic things difficult.
In my experience, it does get more manageable with more time sober. The first few weeks are BRUTAL. The first few months are a massive challenge. But every time you finish a task without a drink for a reward or cook dinner without a drink in hand will strengthen those new pathways in your brain!
Glad you are willing to share your struggle! Being open and honest about how I felt was a game changer for me, I certainly hope it has the same effect for you. You are not alone in this struggle
Welcome @OHsusieQ
There is plenty of help and support out there. But the hard truth is, you have to put the work in it, daily, and change your life massively. It takes time and you can not do it alone. Good news: You are not alone!
So for today, putting your sober gead on the pillow at night is the one, only & priority task and you do the fuck everything to get there. Brain is in emergency mode for about 2 weeks, 3 days until alcohol leaves your body, 2-3 weeks until the toxic by-products you metabolize are more or less digested. Then your body can start to heal.
Stay hydrated, grab fizzy water every time you want a drink, cut out stressors as much as you can and be kind to yourself.
Here a link to ressources for recovery, check it out, there is nuch available online to participate and engage.
And one of the most important threads in my opinion
Thank you! I do believe that God’s Holy Spirit can help me. I honestly feel like that’s the only reason I made it through this weekend. I want Him to help me with the feelings I have, and I know He will, but His timing may not be my timing.
I got into an argument with my spouse Friday night, Saturday night, and also Sunday night. It’s horrible. We are usually not like this, but it’s been extra hard lately. I used to be pretty much ok with his shenanigans because I was drunk, too, so I didn’t care so much. At least I didn’t care enough to conversate with him about it. Now I get angry enough to say something, and drama ensues. It’s sad when I feel like I can breathe better at work than at home.
But I remembered what you said.. don’t pick up, don’t pick up, don’t pick up… over and over in my mind, and I didn’t. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing that! I thought I was a loner in that category, and I thought most people would chalk that up to laziness. And the truth is that I’m not lazy. I am the hardest working person in my household.. but I am an addict and in the past ( I like saying in the past) I would create any reason at all to get another drink. I’ve been trying to think of a different reward, but it can’t be food. I made it through the weekend AF, but I think it was a miracle.
Thank you for all the thread links. I will put them to use when I get time to read them all. I need to work on hydration for sure! I don’t drink much throughout the day, never have, other than coffee and alcohol. I’ve been trying to drink more water, but I often forget. Thanks again!
Saturday night I deleted the Talking Sober app from my phone. My spouse was getting weirded out by me being on my phone so much. All I was doing was trying to stay sober.. maybe posting a little, but mostly reading stuff on here. I have nothing to hide and I showed him what I was doing and explained the app the best I could. Then he started asking very direct questions about the app. Stupid me thought he might actually be interested and wanting to get sober, too. That was not the case. It seemed to me he was just jealous that I was spending time with something besides him. I showed him how to navigate the app the best I know how. He started saying things like, “They shouldn’t have a thread called Just For Fun–this is supposed to be serious. So where’s the part where you tell people your name, where you work, and what you do for a living?” I told him I didn’t know of any such thread. “This is in the wrong place. This is too hard. Why do you even fool with this.” He was really pissing me off, so I just deleted the app. That somehow made him feel better, I guess. But the rest of the weekend became so much harder after that with no outlet, no one to talk to at all about what’s going on in my head. I don’t know what to do, but he’s turning out to not be as supportive as he says he is. I want to keep peace and harmony in the home. I love him, and believe it or not, I know he loves me. I think he wants to support me, but he’s also feeling like he’s lost his drinking buddy. Ugh. So I guess I’ll try to catch up on here when I’m at work and can do it online instead of from my phone. If anyone has any better suggestions (other than me leaving him), please let me know. He’s my soulmate, and I won’t leave him.
I know I would miss this app if I had to delete it, so I really appreciate that you’re finding ways to keep connected.
Do you think there’s something in particular your husband is concerned about? Is that a conversation the two of you can have? I can imagine being concerned about being doxxed, but it seems like you have tried to reassure him about that.
I certainly don’t think you need to leave him, but I’m concerned that you told him that there’s something that’s been helping you and his reaction is to try and stop you from accessing it. What about counseling? And if he won’t do couples counseling, what about just for you?
You’ve done such an amazing job so far. Good for you for hanging in there!
I do miss the app.. SO much. I’m not sure what he is concerned about. A previous time that I mentioned going to a counselor or going to AA meetings for help, he knocked that down, telling me that I didn’t need that kind of help and all I really needed to do was learn how to moderate. I’ve since told him numerous times that moderation is not a thing I can do. I always think I can, but then I prove myself wrong every time. We have gotten into an argument 3 nights in a row. Once it was about the app. One time was because we were trying a new dish and I asked my daughter if she wanted to try it. She said no (which is perfectly fine in our house), then he put it on her plate anyway, claiming she said yes. She was visibly upset but didn’t say anything. Then he carried on all night about her having something against him (which she doesn’t). It was a misunderstanding of sorts. His listening skills are not good while drinking. Last night was also at the dinner table. She was trying to open the ketchup. He asked her if she needed help and she said no. she paused to get sticky stuff off her fingers and he grabbed it from her and opened it anyway. Then it was 2 hours of him saying that she doesn’t want his help so he’s just not gonna do anything for her anymore. She’s 13 and not wanting our help so much lately, but she does want his help with some things (like helping her carry the backpack in the house in the afternoons because it weighs about 50 pounds). He gets all upset about things and then he claims he’s been agreeing with me all along and I’m the one making a big deal out of things. It’s been kinda tense. I don’t think he actually cares that much that I was on the app. I think he just wanted to upset me more somehow so I would drink. And I could be totally wrong. Since then, he has said he’s sorry for everything, but he won’t name specifics because he doesn’t remember.
Oooof. That sounds rough, I’m sorry. I’m not in any place to judge someone else’s relationship (and I know we’re not hearing all of the good things about him right now!), but just know that from the outside, all of that sounds kind of concerning.
I know there are some amazing people on this app who’ve dealt with getting sober while their spouses still drank. There’s a great thread called Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?@Dazercat might have some good suggestions, I think he’s written really eloquently about this.
He’s been great to me really. He’s my best friend. I mean.. we’ve been together for years now and we still talk to each other on our lunch break. He shares in the chores, morning cuddles, etc. Everything is great normally. And maybe the whole thing is my fault. Maybe I’m doing something that upsets him on another level.. that’s certainly possible. I’m just trying my best to stay sober through it all. I will check out the thread. I appreciate your help!
I cannot see what you did wrong . You came here looking for support. You can also access your account via the browser. I am not an expert but it sounds like he’s feeling threatened: you are ‘leaving’ your set up, you might share private things which could be scaring him also. Remember that you do this for you. Getting back to the drink is certainly easier right now but definitely not worth it in the long run or even thinking of tomorrow morning.
Congratulations for being/coming back here. Your worth it being sober.
I just tried talking to him a little bit about this, and he doesn’t remember any of it. So he says there’s nothing to talk about. He made a general apology and says he will try to listen better next time. To be honest, I’m not even sure he knows or understands what is bothering him.
You are right.. drinking is easier right now, but it won’t be in the long run. It always makes things worse.. always.
Thank you for your kind words. I am using the browser and will probably continue that way.
Stick to your guns, S! Our recovery is our responsibility. Just like his, if he chooses to, will be his.
I fully agree with Puzzled and him feeling threatened by you choosing to find support. If we put ourselves in his shoes, we’d be worried about being found out, not having control of the dialog at home or likely the feelings that we’re an addict/alcoholic. And many many more.
I’m hopeful that with you being sober he will recognize the easier and softer way to live and latch on. But just for today all we need to do is stay sober.
I’m sure you are right. I will try to be more sensitive to his feelings. He is indeed a private person. I was hoping the anonymity would help him feel better about me looking for support here.
I think being honest & open to him on your feelings is of the utmost. His feelings are his, and neither of you have control over the others’. And, if forgetfulness is common with him in the evening after drinking has begun, I’d save important discussions for mornings. Maybe it would be prudent reminding him that letting go and let God’s will be the driver is often the best solution.
I’m staying. Even if I have to come here on lunch breaks, his bathroom breaks, or whatever, I’m staying. I don’t think I can do this by myself. I need you guys more than you know.
We did have a long talk last night. He wasn’t quite drunk yet. But he did tell me that he is very proud of me for making a change in my life and that he is going to change his habits some, too. He’s not going to stop drinking, but he’s not starting at 2:00 pm anymore, either. That’s something at least. I’ll take it. Life is too short to spend it arguing with the ones you love.
UGHHHHHHHH! I told a lady at work about me trying to be sober now because she asked me over to help her move in a few weeks and she mentioned having drinks. At the time she seemed almost proud of me and quickly said she would have a Sprite ready for me. That was a win! But about 30 minutes ago she came and asked how I was doing with the sobriety. I told her I was hanging in there but having a difficult time with mood swings. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her that, but I thought honesty was the best policy. She spent the next 10 minutes trying to convince me to just have a couple of drinks to unwind in the evenings.. moderate. She said the mood swings would go away, I would sleep better, be more clear-headed without all the emotions coming to the surface. And she actually convinced me to at least think about it. So now I’m thinking about it. Just like that… in 10 minutes I can change! I’m like a freaking chameleon, trying to blend in with situations. I like people who are consistent. Why can’t I be one of those people? I’m really frustrated right now. 30 minutes till quitting time and I feel like a grand loser.
WTH??? What a crappy thing for her to do! I think the idea of our sobriety really stresses some people out because it makes them think about their own relationship to alcohol. And so they try to convince us that our relationship to alcohol is normal…because that means they’re juuuust fine.
Don’t let her convince you. If you could drink normally, you’d be doing that. But we’re here because we want something better for ourselves.
I’ve already failed… again. I thought I could do this but I guess not. I’m sorry I’ve wasted everyone’s time. If there is an upside, my spouse seems pleased. May not be here again.
Not all is lost. Get back in the middle with the rest of this herd. You don’t have to drink! You are strong enough to do this and will be so glad you did.
Thank you!
