Day 350. Control

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Day 350, today. So close to a year that I can taste it. Apologies for the forthcoming brain-spill.

I’ve been thinking a lot over the past 24 hrs. Where I’m at, where I’m headed. Mostly thinking about how difficult it has been to “let loose” or even loosen up just a little bit, without drinking. I haven’t really been able to. I am “buttoned-up” 100% of the time. I’m not sure if that’s who I am at a core level, or who I have become.

I’ve realized just how important control and restraint are to me, how they have an influence on virtually every aspect of my life. I believe this plays a major part in where much of my internal feelings of conflict come from. Feelings that have plagued me for as long as I can remember. There’s the human desire to embrace life, embrace other people, to have fun, to enjoy yourself – and then there is my outright need to restrain myself, to remain stoic, to not really be entirely accessible to anyone, to always be in control and have a few walls up. It’s a really frustrating and constant push-and-pull.

I think that’s part of why I was so drawn to alcohol and drugs. It was the only thing that could get me to let go. I also believe that my feelings of crippling anxiety post-drinking were tied back to control, or loss of it – I would wake up after a night out, realize I had let loose and betrayed my regularly standoffish persona, and I would see that relinquishment of control and restraint as a significant failure of self – even if I had been perfectly well-behaved, if only a bit more open and talkative.

I’m not so sure I am capable of being an outgoing, sociable person. Try as I might, I just cannot let go and live or be myself without fear. The more I think of it, the more I realize that the control and restraint is tied back to fear. Fear of ridicule, fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Whatever. So I hold back, and it can lead to very strong feelings of isolation.

I have also been thinking about my past therapists who have suggested I may have some form of OCD, although not outright OCD. The more I read up on some of the subsets and variations that I was told about, the more I see it. Part of me thinks that while addiction (or at least addictive tendencies) certainly played a role for me, I have an inkling that my drinking and drug usage was also a compulsive behavior, done sheerly out of routine and ritual. From what I have read, it is common among specific types of OCD. I recognize that self-diagnosing can be dangerous, so I am not taking what I’ve read as absolute truth.

It’s all worrying to me. I question if I am doing the right thing, at times. I hate that my thinking, in every way, is so black-or-white. Last night I was thinking about how much I have changed specifically from the time my GF and I met (3 years ago) to now. Back then I was outgoing, socially sharp, loved going out and doing things. Kind of a different story now. I am often exhausted and have no desire to do, well, anything. I don’t know what’s happened to me, and I do worry that she’ll get bored of me, if that hasn’t happened already.
I have no doubt that I won’t drink, if even out of stubbornness alone. This post isn’t meant to be melancholic or anything like that, and I’m not sad. Confused, maybe. Frustrated, sure. I am trying to just look at the flood of thoughts I’ve been having as objectively as I can. I just had to put them down into words to maybe try and grasp onto something.

If you’ve read this far, thanks. Have a great Saturday. I won’t be drinking today.

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You summarized exactly how I feel to a T. You are not alone. I feel the exact same way. Im 220 days sober. We are in the same boat but we will figure it out together. Im in the process of surrendering all my fears and worries. Cheers!!

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You are an inspiration. I have always valued your input.

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Amazing work and an amazing post.

Dont worry about the GF if she loves you for being the true sober you then there wont be a problem.

If she doesn’t? Theres plenty of females out there who love sober guys that dont drink and are just level all the time.

You’re doing fantastically my friend. 15 days to go :facepunch:

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Love this. Thank you! Very helpful! I’m definitely in the beginning stages ending/letting go…yet this gives me hope. You all inspire me.

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You are an Inspiration.

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Wow. Thank you for this. I’m exactly the same and I’m a woman. How.similar we all can be. What helps me gradually openinh up is mindfullness and mariya gancheva kundalini yoga. But like you I wonder if I’ll ever be able ti be the loving open person I.want to be. I feel hardened and am desperate to.soften and become free and happy. luck on your way and.congrats!!! You’ve done well and are on the right track.

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Even the OCD idea about drinking or in my case in addition bulimia I can relate to…

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Hey man. Reading your post there we share some pretty big similarities, although I think we know that having been on TS for nearly a year each. The whole “buttoned up” thing. I totally understand. I can’t let go, I used to be envious of mates, or even complete strangers that seem to be able to let go, be crazy, do stupid, silly things without the need for alcohol and I used to wonder why I couldn’t be that free or indeed happy. My worst nightmare was Christmas with my ex girlfriend and playing charades. Standing up in front of a load of people and acting like an idiot was the stuff of nightmares. I’d agonise over it for weeks beforehand. I knew I couldn’t do it sober, I also knew I had a problem with alcohol but was in denial but had at least some aforethought that I couldn’t get my “usual wasted” as I’d probably do something so heinous I’d never be able to live with the guilt.

As time has gone on I’ve learnt to accept who I am. I’m not for one second suggesting you need to find yourself, or anything like that, I think these things happen organically. You already sound like there’s a lot of introspection going on in your life, to me that’s not depressing it’s wonderful. Drinking numbs that part of our psyche, we hide behind the persona of our alter ego, we constantly try to be someone we’re not.

The world needs people like you. Maybe stop struggling to change who you are, being a thinker, philosophical in life, kind, isn’t a bad thing. Modern life was built on free thinkers, I’m fairly sure in ancient Greece you’d have the wild Grecians partying hard, getting drunk and being crazy, you and I would be hanging with our old pal Socrates wondering if life is really just a simulation. :muscle:

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There is nothing wrong with how you describe yourself. That is just how some of us are. It sounds to me like you aren’t “standoffish” but rather an extreme introvert. I don’t like that you seem to put yourself down for it but sadly we live in a world that praises extroverts and criticizes introverts. But we are great people with a lot to offer…from our quiet lives of near solitude.

Your description of control also seems normal. Some people take it to extremes but I didn’t read much extreme on there, just caution. You are careful to make sure things don’t get out of control…not that you hide because you can’t control everything.

Reflection is great. We all need to learn about who we are and how we tick. But accept yourself. Don’t compare yourself to how you think you should be…just embrace who you are.

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Omg, @TMAC, I so relate to this. In initial recovery, sorting through the rubble of drinking, learning restraint was such a thing. It was doubly confusing for me because by the end I became an isolated alcoholic, so embarrassed was I in how carried away I’d get drinking in public.

Now I’m in this weird place, feeling over-corrected. Sensing a few walls are still up, keeping me from really connecting to people around me at times.

It’s not so full-bore, isolating anymore though either. A big part of me is brimming with a compassion and openness for everyone around me now like it never was before, wanting to reach out if still a little restrained. Am I really reaching out? Maybe I’m doing it too hard? :man_shrugging:

For me, any love I have now is a gift from working the steps (understanding it’s just how @Eke got here, and others’ mileage may vary). That work of identifying, accepting, and cleaning up my nonsense with the help of another was liberating. Lately spending time in service to others is breaking down even more walls in a way that’s… hard to describe?

In spite of that, I sense where I still have reservations. Somehow I’d like them to come down, but part of me doesn’t wanna get all Kool-Aid man either. :rofl:

So it continues, asking what’s holding me back and trying to engage in the moment with others while patiently letting change happen.

Anyway, look at me rambling. :blush: Love this post. :v:

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Great post. I recognize so much of what you’ve written here from my own experience.

Control has always been an issue for me as well. I think I liked drinking so much because it was like a chemical vacation from myself, my rigid and controlled self. And getting drunk felt like I was free. Until of course the next day when I felt horrible and was mortified by what I did, what I couldn’t remember and the fact that i had completely lost control.

I feel I know what your talking about since becoming sober. It can be so hard to find a release. In my first year of sobriety I remember that feeling of not being able to relax and it scared me.

I’m coming close to five years sober now and it’s become easier.

For me, part of it was learning how to be comfortable in my own skin sans the liquored hilarity I used to think I possessed. I learned that plenty of people like me at a more muted decibel. It took a while to push through the feeling that I was the dead weight in the room, the odd man out. Because I realized over time that it wasn’t true. It’s kind of freeing not to feel like I have to perform anymore. And I do feel relaxed and “my old self” when I’m with my good friends, people I know. But there’s also the realization that everyone of us is feeling that way at times and that I’m just fine as I am.

I think part of the deal with addiction is that we enjoyed this manufactured high that numbs us to regular life highs. And for me, I had to relearn how to recognize and enjoy the quieter, natural highs. For instance, I’m ridiculous about the color of the sky and sunsets and water. I walk to parks now and know that if I can find a quiet spot, if only for a few minutes, I will be restored somehow. And I am. And it relaxes me. It takes the scowl off my face. I’ve rekindled other old passions during the past years of sobriety and find true joy and beauty in them— and the result is relaxation and release, and peace.

I think you’re doing great. And I think it gets easier as time goes by.

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I’m sorry you are going through this struggle yet I admire your strength in being so open. I imagine that alcohol would be the WORST thing for you, feelng the way that you do.

I used to worry myself sick about what others thought of me to the point where I would be bed ridden for days. With lots of practise in positive self talk and rationalizations , I was able to let go of all that . For the most part, I rarely care what others think of me, anymore, unless they are someone I value. I also challenge myself to face my anxieties now, instead of avoiding them because I don’t want to short change myself in life anymore. I hope that you can find a way to learn to embrace life again.

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I can definitely relate to this.

I was thinking about “letting go” in my own life, and wondered what what I see as unwanted restraint looks like in my own life.

  • Some of it is ritualistic and usually harmless, for example, the way I repeat phrases in my head, or fold clothes or wash dishes in a very particular, inefficient way, so that it doesn’t scream wrong until I go back and “fix it”. I’m generally able to just be patient and work on this over time, and not let it bother me too much.

  • Some of it is a product of me admiring the experiences other people have, and feeling “left out”, whether or not I’m actually satisfied as is. In this case, often these are experiences that I don’t enter into for other reasons, but I make my inhibition the scapegoat. Example: something as inconsequential as seeing a movie could make me really want to try life as a journalist or pilot or doctor, and I get down on myself for not being “the kind of person to make the jump”. In reality, those aren’t career paths that I want to pursue.

  • Some of it is when I genuinely want to do something in particular, and then deny myself of it by holding back. This is what I tend to wrestle with the hardest, but is less common than the other two cases. Realizing when I’m actually denying myself something I want, and when I’m not – that’s helping me not feel like it’s such a big issue.

For the last point, the big one, I’ve tried a lot of different things. My first reaction is to convince myself “I don’t really need to do that anyways”, and just live with it. But that force feeds on my capitulation and gets stronger. Not noticeably from any one event, but over time. Unfortunately, I still do this a lot, but I’m working more these days on facing it. Fear.

I’ve made mistakes trying to fix it too. I’ll dive into the fear head first at paces I’m not ready to sustain, which ends much worse than I started. I’ll force myself into it, not because it’s a desire of mine to do so, but because I have to, because it’s what I’m supposed to do, and I end up creating an abusive self-talk monster in my head that drives me into the ground in a self-loathing mess.

I don’t always fail though. My restraint is still hard to keep in the middle of the spectrum, but as far as fear in general (which I believe to be the root cause of it all), there is slow progress happening. I see it happening with being able to take the bus more often, despite the anxiety I get around it. I’ve even started to see it happen with being able to just write a post on this forum and leave it, sometimes, instead of babysitting it and editing out my self expression sometimes to the point of maiming it.

So I am learning to see the progress that is happening, and both recognize that it is there and recognize that it is slow. I also have to admit that I often can’t see it at all when it is in fact there. It isn’t all happening now or soon, and I might not get to see it. So in my case, I’m taking a break from trying to fix it at a faster pace, and trying to work on patience instead, because I’m concerned about hammering myself into the ground again by not accepting it.

I don’t mean any of this to be accurate for your situation necessarily, this is just my own brain-spill from my life on the topic :slight_smile:

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Be yourself! If that means quiet and introverted then go with it, not everyone had to be the loud show pony, can you imagine everyone fighting for attention? You focus on what you perceive as your negative personality traits, instead of control think focused, organised and capable. The person who hates charades, why put yourself through it just to satisfy others perception of what you ‘should’ do or be, you are allowed to participate or not without judgement and if others judge then that’s their problem is their judgement going affect you? Only if you allow it too! #treasureothersbeyourself

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Great testament but even more worth it seeing this at the end.

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Very interesting. I’m going to keep this in mind. Hopefully the introspection will promote growth and understanding (or, dare I say…acceptance) of self.

And thanks you for saying such nice things!

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Cheers, Scott – the feeling is mutual!

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Thanks Chris. Always room for growth and change, but I often forget the importance of acceptance of self. I’ve gone my whole life feeling as though something is wrong with me and/or that I should be different than I am, somehow. Maybe thats not necessary.

Edit – same response to @VSue. Thank you! :slight_smile:

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Trying to find that middle space, the “happy medium”. Balance and all that sort of thing. So used to black-or-white thinking. I’d like to get better aboit finding the gray areas!

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