Let me rephrase, as it pertains to me at least 
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It is heartbreaking when a parent (or any intimate relation) neglects to care & be present for us. It is even more heartbreaking, and more than that, it’s hurtful and abusive, when a parent violates the rights of their child.
What you experienced was abuse and neglect: you were denied a safe space to grow up. All parents have an obligation to provide a safe space for children to grow up. (Safe doesn’t mean perfect. But it does have to be a space free from abuse and neglect.)
You hunger for his approval because you are starving for love and acceptance. The person who was supposed to give that to you as a child, did not. Your mother was busy trying to keep you alive and physically safe, between bouts of abuse. You are desperately hungry for love and acceptance.
All humans have a basic need to belong, to be accepted. You do as well.
You can find belonging and acceptance today. There are many healthy places you can find it. Here on Talking Sober is one place; you can also find it in recovery programs & groups (feel free to try out several - every one has a different “feel”). You will make friendships and become part of a community that will help you feel belonging & acceptance.
What you’ve been through is tragic. It doesn’t have to define your future. You do need to accept it as part of your past, you need to see it & you can’t numb it - but it does not define you now.
There’s nothing wrong with that. All humans want to have parents (even at a biological sense, we have to have them!). I guess there’s two things going on here: you want “a dad” in the ideal sense - someone who loves you and is present for you - but what you have is “a dad” in a much more complex and contradictory way. He’s trapped in his own backwards way of living, and he can’t be a dad in the ideal sense.
One of the things we learn in recovery is to stop living in a fantasy. We spend so much time thinking about what things “should” be, that we forget we have to learn to work with things, grow with things, as they are.
Your father will almost certainly never be “a dad” in the “ideal” sense. However, he can still be your dad, within healthy boundaries that work for you. He is your dad. He is messed up and backwards and has done violent, abusive things. But he is still your dad.
Your path is through understanding what you need here. You may need time and space. That’s ok. Take it. You may need someone to talk to. Find a counsellor or a group, and talk. You may need to listen to others. There are many books, podcasts, speakers, and groups, where you can find support.
Your path is your path now. Take some time to reflect on what the next step for you is. You’re not gonna solve everything at once - that’s not how life works; it’s always one step at a time. Ask yourself: what’s my next logical step here?
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The million dollar question
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I mustve read ur post like 5 times… I really wanted to say something but I wasnt sure what words to use exactly. All I know is that what you went through was NOT okay (as you already know) and that it sounds like you had to grow up way way too fast. I can’t imagine all the diff emotions u must have felt (and still feel) bcuz of ur past. I wasn’t abused as a child physically or anything… my mom had untreated mental health issues and my dad was just unemotional available, but i did experience alot of abuse as a youth and entering my adulthood from various other people outside my family. What I do know is that when a person experiences abuse, that person is in survival mode and is extremely on edge. For myself, I really felt like the abuse stunted my growth n an emotional, mental way. I had barriers up and trust issues and it was really hard to focus on me and my life and my growth when I was sooo focused on just surviving. It’s interesting… cuz during the act of abuse, I never would use or drink for the main reason of my safety (if that makes sense)… I needed to be coherent and I needed to be alert and not fucked up so that I could protect myself. BUT… after all was said and done I would end up using bcuz the trauma and the thoughts and the aftermath of the abuse would eat at me. I needed something… anything… to get rid of that. I hope that makes sense. So when u say u were in ur 30s before u picked up, it truly may have just caught up with you and unfortunately the choice was there to pick up at that time. Ultimately tho, we could ask ourselves all the questions we want about why things happened and why did I use etc… but the matter of fact is what are we going to do about it. I used to ask myself questions all the time, questioning the what ifs and the whys I did what I did or why I am who I am… I just need to figure out what I’m going to do about my situation now. No one can change the past but we sure as hell can make today great, and live clean and sober. Just doing the next right action … im SO glad u shared and I hope u keep posting on here 
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Girl if there is on thing I am good at, it’s moving on and I am hoping that is one of the tools I can use to get my life back. I do think I have address my formative years/childhood in some fashion, moving forward with the attitude ‘it happens” isn’t working, I think I need to address what was taken from me and/or never given to me, because there is a void I am trying to fill. I’m sorry to hear about the abuse and trauma you went through, very happy that you got yourself out of that and I am happy to see you moving forward positively.
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Ya I think anyone who has experienced any form of abuse would greatly benefit from some extra support to work through it. I have dealt with some of my abuse but definitely not all of it. And I too wonder actually if thats apart of the reason why I keep relapsing. Idk. But I really applaud you for opening up about what happened, bcuz I’m sure that wasn’t easy. You should’ve been able to be a kid and do kid things and I feel like that didn’t happen. But ur here and ur fighting for ur life and for inner peace and I’m really proud of you 
oh that void… ya that void SUCKS lol. Be gentle with urself
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Totally agree, the shittest thing is the abuse makes you not trust therefore not open up to others, take about a vicious cycle. I am still surprised I wrote this, I don’t talk about it, ever. Even in circles of people if there are talking about childhood stories I stay a mute. It’s not something I want to acknowledge I guess idk. Im here if you ever need to talk 
Im starting to think if I can get back what was taken that is the key to making me whole. It’s the only aspect of my life I’ve never worked on, I just shut it away.
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I’m so glad u got this out. It’s very healing! There’s that saying that we are only as sick as our secrets. And there’s something about opening up to others that allows that part of our lives to slowly lose its power (sometimes very slow). We all want to feel whole. I too struggled with that void and I still do sometimes. I used outside sources for years (big one being drugs and sex) to attempt to fill that void and it was always temporary so I was always searching and searching for ways to keep filling it. And sometimes we may not get the answer we are looking for unfortunately. A big part of that fir me was some sort of acknowledgment of what they had done. An apology anything… but when that didn’t happen, I definitely needed to not only forgive myself but also to forgive them which took a long time. I did it not so much for them but for me bcuz I needed the peace in my life. They were very sick people and even to this day an apology has never been given. So I needed to forgive them for my inner peace so that what happened didn’t have so much of a hold on me. Idk… every situation is diff and forgiveness is a hard thing when someone has hurt u sooo badly. Im just very heartbroken honestly by what happened to u and I really hope that u will be abls to find that peace and to be able to fill that void
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And feel free to message me whenever u want! I too am hear to listen
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You sound a lot like me minus the abuse. My dad wasn’t around much he didn’t care about me because he started a new family after leaving my mom pregnant. I found out later in Life she got an abortion. So she went on to meet a nice guy she had my 2 sisters with. I’m 36 my sisters are like 26 and 22 I believe. I’m married now second time my first wife died after delivery of my oldest son whos 14. So yeah my drinking started after her death slowly for years untik it took over in 2013ish. I don’t think relapses are the end of the world. God I’ve relapsed from alcohol like 100 times in the past 8-10 years I’ve been trying to quit. Today is my 5 months clean. I was a cop so I never did drugs nor do I. My mom was always on top of me growing up I was a straight A student never once got in trouble in my life until I was 33. I got arrested not by my PD but another one for arguing with my wife. They accused me of grabbing her arm which I did after she clocked me in the face. But the cops in my town don’t like the pd I work for it’s an ongoing hatred so they used me as a middle finger to my PD. Anyhow I won in court of course sued them etc. my wife even said I never hurt her and she admitted to hitting me. I lost my train of thought but basically what I’m saying is just because u waited untik your 30s to fuck up doesn’t make you a bad person because I did as well. I’m now living like a king financially because they let me retire on a diabkitu pension from 15 years or so in law enforcement fi ng me free life and health insurance for my entire family. Plus my pension goes to my wife in the event I die first. So they did me a favor in the long run.
But back to you: I’m sorry about your dad my mom also never did any drugs or drank her whole life up until her late 40s she started doing meth. Like my mom the woman who was anti drug or alcohol forever started using drugs doing crack, opiates etc. i had to send her away to rehab twice. She’s clean now for like a few years. But I thought the same how did my mom become an addict when she never did drugs ever and I know she didn’t because she was always there for us and was always normal. We have a close relationship since I’m the first born and her only son. She tells me everything eventually and she still holds true to this day she never did drugs or drank when we were growing up because she has to be sober. But I guess once we grew up she wanted a relief and somehow got into it wirh other distance shitty family meme beds who are all now in prison thank god. I had a hand in setting them up but I don’t care because they were committing serious crimes and I might be retired but I’m a cop at heart and I believe in justice. Anyway you can do this before you know it will be 5 Months. Take it day by day hopefully I helped a little
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Thank you. I heard plenty of sorry, pretty much after every time, every day when he would come down just a little bit, at least that’s why I think they were said, they mean nothing to me, didn’t then, doesn’t now. That is definitely one thing I carry with me to do this day. Unfortunately. And many people have been cut from my life because of it. I am very protective of me, I have to be that way, I’ve been the only one to do it.
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I hear what ur saying. I don’t blame u one bit for being productive of urself. Big hugs 🫂
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Thank you so much for sharing!!! I am SO happy to hear your mom was able to recover! I’m sorry about the losses in your life, hard road, but you sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders and you want the better life! Congrats on your 5 months, that’s huge:heart:!! And thanks for being a police officer (retired), you guys literally saved my life and my moms when I was younger
My mom never recovered she is now 72 and I am just waiting for the call. She has so much hate and resentment at my dad even all this time later, that she will never let go. I know she will die from alcoholism 
that’s the brutal truth
Morning Kevin!
So I have thought on it and while I do agree with your first statement, I made everything in my life perfect to hide my flaws, that I believe. I don’t think that I have self worth issues though, I think I have self control issues and possibly to much of an “F” it attitude due to the fact that when you live through something like that you get an invincible feeling that’s not normal. Thank you for posting on this because that last sentence I only realized processing what you said 
. I am however just starting out on this recovery journey, maybe I will find I have some self worth issues 
That I can’t say now BUT I do know that’s not what got me here.
I hope you have an amazing day!
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Thanks Ami,
I’m sure that you’re going to find your way through all of this. I really believe you are.
I wish you an amazing day as well.
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And you as well! thank you again for being there!
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