Day 7 but my ex is blackmailing me to go back

This is my 7th day off of alcohol. Last Friday night, drink, fights, police and my partner leaves.

Saturday when I woke up I knew I had to turn things around. I joined here, left my partner, moved to a new flat, took the week off of work, studied the afflictions of alcohol and made notes, to what I have to do to get a life back.

I’ve left my partner because our house was a warzone for many reasons, and since she moved in 13 months ago with her two kids, it’s never worked and it’s been a stressful environment for everyone.

Now my ex partner is emotionally blackmailing me to come back - but she knows we weren’t right since we moved in together.

Focus: If I don’t stay off drink - I’ll end up dead in the gutter. I can only focus on my recovery!

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Congratulations on the 7 days. You are doing great. You made the right choice. Keep up the good work.

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Yes, that last statement is the only one that matters.

She probably doesn’t want to have to raise her 2 kids on her own. In the end, that’s her problem. You going back will only damage those kids worse. I grew up in an emotional war zone. My mom left when I was 5, disappeared for somewhere around a year, then came back to live near us. My parents stayed separated and got divorced, but had split custody. It would have been better had they not tried “getting along for the kids.” Even living apart it was still a war zone. I don’t encourage anyone to put their kids through this, or any kids.

Right now you have to be extremely selfish. Accept that and focus on getting better. Once you start getting better you can evaluate things like this, but not now.

Remember this, “no” is a complete sentence, especially in recovery.

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Thank you Positrix.

Yes you are 100% right. I didn’t include it in my story, but I have my own 11year old son from my previous marriage ( my ex wife and I are still great friends), my son doesn’t like coming to my house anymore as he said it is always a bad atmosphere. My son and I were inseparable before my last partner moved in. I’ve promised my 11year old son that we will go back to the way we were, and forever stay that way. His mother text me last night and told me that she hasn’t seen our 11 year old so happy for such a long time.

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Sometimes we have to own a choice and reinforce boundaries. For me boundaries might have been santa, it was all so abstract feeling. If neither of her kids are yours then you have no responsibility to her or her emotional state that trumps maintaining your own emotional state and taking care of kids that share DNA with you. Block her. Change your number and consider it a cleanse in frivolous people in your life. Early sobriety needs easy as possible. Later, when you can deal with her, you can unblock her. It’s not permanent. I imagine you guys had a lease or a deed that needs addressing. May I suggest a lawyer would be a wonderful investment. That person can explain unemotionally how you will be financially untangling from her and make it clear that a restraining order is coming her way if she wants to keep playing with your mental comfort. She might need mercy, let her look for it in other people. Her life is going a different way than yours.

Way to go on your 7 days! Single digits were the hardest. Gets nothing but better. Welcome!

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Well there you go I hope for your sake and your son’s you see this through I’ve made so many broken promises and trust us so difficult to get back onec list remember easy does it

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How does someone “emotionally blackmail” you?

You own your emotions. They are a reaction to stimuli that you process mentally.

If I don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. I cannot be “emotionally blackmailed” by anyone who is no longer part of my life.

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Yoda-Stevie I guess you are right, but in the cold light of day, heart strings are still easy to pull. But, as C-sun just wrote, my 11 year old son is more important and I will add also agree with you on that note - as the ex is sobing that her two kids will be affected, but she seems to have little care on the effect that it’s already had on my son.

I’ve always been told that I’m too nice and too soft. I guess it’s time for me to read the get tough manual :slight_smile:

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Maybe you could alert some mutual friends or some of her friends of the situation so that she doesn’t isolate an be dumb. Surely you guys have some friends that are rational and can appreciate both situations. Tell them you are ok but she needs help that just can not come from you. If I loved someone but had to think of myself first, I might call our friends but also block her, and possibly the friends after I explained my needs and the alert. I have done all I would feel obligated to do at that point. I might then distract myself by having a long over due date with my kid. Trampoline gyms are always a good choice, imo.

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Revoke the squatters rights she’s claimed in your heart. Put her stuff that she’s left in your head, on your emotional front lawn.

Her kids aren’t your responsibility. Your kid is. Her happiness isn’t your burden. Yours and that of your child, is.

Prioritize and execute your life plan.

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“Get off my lawn.” You need your own book with all these little gems. Like a little desk calendar.

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Congratulations on your decision to dedicate yourself to being a healthier version of you. It sounds like a very toxic situation that you left. Bravo.

Sounds like she is staying stuck in a toxic life and wants you to stay stuck down in the mud with her. It’s not that uncommon. Do what you need to do to make a healthy life for you and your son. We’re here with you. Stay the healthier course.

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Thank you Stephanie. Really looking forward to the new road ahead. 2020 can be a huge year for so many newbies on this App. Thx

I think I’ve been on both sides of emotional blackmail, and I think from her perspective, she probably doesn’t even realize she’s being so selfish. That being said, just because she’s unaware doesn’t mean you have to comply. You see things in a different light, you’re probably seeing things for how they truly are finally…and how can you deny what you know now? She might try to convince you that her feelings are your problem, but that is not the case.

Be true to yourself.

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Your pretty much spot on Lea. She seems to think that we should continue the way it is, and now she really thinks that she is hard done for and I’m a beep beep beep for leaving.

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Well I’m here if you ever need a reminder that you aren’t crazy for standing up for yourself! Maybe you don’t feel that way… But I know I did. If someone cares about you, they won’t blackmail you into staying in a place that is so far from what you need. Just keep reminding yourself of that…I know it’s hard when the other person seems helpless, but it’s a never ending toxic cycle with situations where only one person see’s things for how they are.

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I know a lot about emotional blackmail. It’s a concept many do not understand until you explain it and give an example. Then its like a light goes on in their mind and they get it.

Congrats on Day 7 and give your ex a one finger salute into your past. Your best days lie ahead and those are sober days!

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Congrats on a full week! I agree with all that’s been said by others. Your focus needs to remain on your sobriety and your son. Do not allow her back into your life, she will only use you to benefit her and her kids. She sounds very selfish and not worthy of any more of your time.

This is beautiful and priceless!

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