Hi,
Why do I feel nervous writing this? It’s anonymous after all. Perhaps it’s hard to admit it all to myself. I also feel a lot of shame about my situation. I am outwardly successful, have a beautiful family, great job. But I’ve needed alcohol to cope with the world since I was a teenager. It’s the only thing I found that helped my brain slow down and my soul be calm amidst the confusion and cruelty of the world. I’ve had a couple of periods of sobriety from alcohol, one lasting about a year back in the mid 2000s and another lasting nearly a year in 2017-18. Each time I was fooled into thinking I’d cracked it and in a moment of not-thinking picked up a drink and off we went again. I manage to keep a lid on it enough to function, keep my family and job together, but there is secrecy and shame and exhausting planning - how do I get my next drink? How can I keep a buzz going? I’m tired and I want to stop. In the midst of all this I had an injury about 10 years ago and was prescribed pills … the first time I took them it was like the first time I found alcohol. I was blissed out all weekend, relaxed, unconcerned about the troubling world we find ourselves in, calm, feeling safe. So although I’ve managed alcohol sobriety stints, they’ve always been supported with small amounts of pills. My wife knows about my struggles with alcohol and so does my therapist but no one knows about the pills and it’s another source of shame and loneliness. I’m terrified of telling anyone about it and fear appearing weak and broken. I hate to admit I’ve screwed up. I’ve always been the one that did well, achieved, was reliable, didn’t cause trouble. Perhaps y’all can help me until (if ever) I find the courage to confide this in others.
Good news is that I’ve been alcohol-free for nearly three months. I’ve weaned down the pills so at this point could stop without any physical withdrawal. I have one left hidden in my bedside drawer. I can’t decide whether to cut it in four and prolong the weaning-off process for a few more days or whether to flush it down the drain. Trouble is, I can always get more so flushing it would be symbolic but not solve the underlying problem. I want to be free of it all. Can I join you guys while I try? Thanks for listening.
Wow you have been so strong, by yourself too. Always here to support you, glad you have shared your story. Keep going Mark2
Welcome buddy. Well done in actually making this move. If you read around on here, use the search option, you will find so many more people whis stories are similar.
You have no need to be ashamed or scared. The decision you have made is because you realise that you need to make a change. No shame in that!
The only person you need to compare yourself with is yourself!
As to what is happening in the world, yes it’s horrible, but how much of it is within our control? Not a lot. All we can do is our little bit to help influence. Outside of that very little. Is you worrying and drinking and pilling helping at all!
No.
The serenity prayer is something that I use when faced with situations that are difficult.
Also if you read around you will find other avenues to get help.
These are here for us, and again you will find no judgement or shame in approaching them.
I found coming clean to people that matter very liberating. It ment no more lies, or sneaking.
It’s also covers accountability as well.
This is the chance to change your life.
Thanks for this insight. I find it quite hard to figure this out. I was a smart kid and was often encouraged to “meet my potential”. Phrases such as that are still with me. I never had over bearing parents who insisted on achievement, although I was often rewarded and made to feel special based on achievements rather than just effort. I had opportunities my parents never had and feel some sort of obligation not to waste this gift. I guess we live in a world that rewards achievement and our culture emphasises these expectations. Not only this, high external expectations have gotten me a long way! I have a career and family I love, and appreciate the importance of hard work in life.
When I think about what it means to let go of these expectations I find it quite scary … do I have to quit my job? Should I go and live on a beach and surf, or climb mountains living out of a van?! It feels like I have to question the whole foundation on which my life is based. “What do I really want?“ is a big and scary question. Maybe if I stop pleasing others I’ll coast through life ignoring external expectations and when it comes to the end regret not meeting my potential. It’s a bit of a mind bender! I do have a tendency to over think these things however, so maybe I need to start with baby steps …?
Thanks Geo, that’s helpful. I find certain mantras useful. Now I have a new one …
“Is you worrying and drinking and pilling helping at all!
No.”
Ha. Love it.
I like the idea of coming at the world with an understanding of my own limits, of contributing my part and surrendering the rest. I find it hard to accept I guess…
Thanks that’s really helpful. I need to read it one hundred times and really digest it 