I have had to reset my app so many times im so ashamed of how truly awful I am and my terrible behavior. I just want to go drink to dumb it all away but I cant continue on this path any longer… I want it all to go away
your so kind and always bring tears to my eyes. I dont know if you read my other post but messed up REALLY REALLY bad and drank at work? Who in their right minds does that. I dont even have a logical excuse, everyone knew im so ashamed and embarrassed of my self. What was I thinking??? I cant do this anymore and go down this terrible path it is destroying me. Why would I rish my job to drink in the bathroom like no one would notice. Thank you for your positive words. I really need to get to a meeting instead of a liquor store. Thank you for everything
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Thank you it helps to know that Im not alone in the struggle, It is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through in my entire life. I have also never wanted something so extremely bad. I have so much to make up for so much that I need to fix in my life but I continue to make the same errors. Of course there is always that saying, its the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results… So why do us addicts continue to do so? You are right though if we dwell in self doubt and anger than we will never build our selves up to bare witness of improvement. I do strongly believe in the power of positive thought without that we would be stuck in the depths of our own dark, depressing hell. I loved your post on art therapy and i really think you are an extremely talented individual. Thank you for talking to me tonight and helping to rebuild my strength. I already feel so much better opening up to someone. 
@Shelbyeriss please stay strong you sound broken at the moment but you can fix yourself. You are heading on the right path going to a meeting and posting on here. I have made some bad choices but even at day one there is light at the end and something to achieve drinking to forget your mistake is not going to help. Hope you find the help you need. I know that I have faltered and can’t give the best advice as I am still reliving my shame from yesterday but I do feel alot more positive by the posts on here. We have a second chance so let’s sort our shit out!! Xxx
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Have you thought about rehab or any other kind of support? Even AA?
Sounds like you have the desire, but like myself, couldn’t get on top of my addiction with extra help.
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Thank you so much @NatalieE. I do know tomorrow will be easier as I continue to rebuild my sobriety again. The wounds are all so new still. That goes for you as well we can all fight this journey together and I feel at ease knowing we are not alone. We conquered day one together girl day one of the rest of our lives. If we falter we just need to get back up and keep fighting that much harder. My body cannot bear to binge or take the abuse that I so constantly give to it. I just want to be healthy happy and continue to grow in a positive direction. Thank you so much.
There will come a time when we will not falter and the path will be clear. I do believe we are strong enough and the people on here are proof that it can be done but it’s going to knock the crap out of us first as the addict in me will be hard to suppress. My body is the same my chest is tight my back has hurt all day feel like I am dissolving my insides sorry to be so descriptive but you would think that this would be all the motivation I need but obviously not. I know there can be a sober me just need to link the sober days all up n get rid of the bad days that are in between. Spoke to my partner tonight and he now agrees that I can’t have just one it has to be nothing I got horribly angry at him yesterday as he tried to cut me off so I screamed at him. Wish I had listened but it was the addict in my who was talking. I want to do this so badly just hope I am as strong in the coming days. Much love x
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Yea I couldn’t agree more. Im on the same page and today has been very brutal and painful. I have no idea why we continue to do this knowing how truly awful we are going to feel the next day. My entire body ached and It made my anxiety that much harded to face knowing that I had been here 2 days prior drunk off my ass.Who knows how much longer I will have my job and this is not the first one I have lost this year. Its this habitual routine that I dont understand why its so hard to break. Lets just stand tall together and when you feel weak please feel free to reach out to me and visa versa. one day at a time…
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This is one of the best discussion threads I’ve seen in awhile. Some things that brought to mind and thought I’d share out of the big book as it relates to the discussion.
Pg 24 in AA big book:
At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.
@Shelbyeriss this is the insanity you’re referring to.
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Hi…it is one day at a atime. A 24 hour program. So odd, first week was great, yay sober, 2nd week was nervous, 3rd week and 4th week, hubby tells me he wants a divorce, he buys alcohol, I pour it out the next day. He does this twice…out of character, It was just a test to see if i was serious about staying sober. I was. Found out last week someone has been killing my pets. …
Point is…I REALLY wanted a drink, I was hurting physically cause a drink would take away this betrayal I feel, this anger that I have, this rejection that I face. I got through it! I am way more confident. I struggled a little last night, had to talk about my feelings OUTLOUD, that way it’s not stuck in my head.
YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS!!!
There is so much support on this app, it really is amazing. No judgement.
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Thank you @Melrm for sharing this with all of us, it really made me look at it all in a different perspective. My ex NEVER understood why I made the decision to drink the way I did but then again I dont think any person that is not struggling with addictions can truly understand the depths of our struggle. I dont think you could have said it better that we do end up loosing the power of choice in drink and have numbed ourselves to a point that is completely beyond recognition. Now the journey and the power that come from finding a constructive way to rebuild the years and years of damage that we have subjected ourselves too. There is something so beautiful and pure about finding yourself again and relearning the individual that you want to be today or at least that you know you can be… Thank you for your words.
Im so sorry to here of your struggle as well @Melanie_Dressler_Wil but I commend you for not giving into numbing the pain. Thant is the hardest choice you will ever have to make and but I know in the long run it will be worth the fight… Now if I can only convince myself to follow my own example. Please keep your head up high and I will try to as well. We can beat this together and I just keep telling myself that things WILL get better and our sun will come out again after the storm. We are all in the together and I think that is something so amazing and special to know we are not alone through our journey to better ourselves and continue our healing process. So much love and respect…
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Yes, we are all in this together.
We are not perfect, we are striving a day-sometimes a moment- at a time to get better. We will soon start uncovering ourselves, like meeting a beautiful stranger for the first time. We will go deep and live within the solution and no longer the problem. We will use the tools of sobriety laid at our feet to help others.