I have no friends and use every day out of boredom and loneliness, but it’s getting me in a huge amount of debt and the damage to my nose is awful. I tell myself every time that it’s the last time, but I’ve used most days since June, and weekly for a year before that. I have managed a few 48 hour sober periods, a 72hr sober period, and recently an 84hr period, I am getting so frustrated with myself for continuously relapsing despite doing everything I can to motivate myself to quit before it completely ruins my health and my life, and also simply because I don’t want to have any addictions. I’ve also got a take away addiction that I am 6 days clean from, I managed to quit smoking in March this year, I quit drinking over 7 years ago, I quit energy drinks 1 year ago, so that says to me I can do it if I really try. I’m currently 16 hours sober and really want to manage a clean weekend for once, to prove to myself I can do it, then take it from there. If there’s anyone out there going through something similar and wants a quitting buddy, please get in touch, I’m not sure of there’s a private messaging option but if there is I welcome any support people are able to offer. I will add that I can’t access any treatment centres of meetings because I have extreme anxiety and I also don’t want it on my medical records.
I am already on 13 different medications, mainly for my mental health and pain, and from the stuff I’ve read they dont prescribe anything for the substance addiction that I’m battling with. I know deep down I can do this, of I did 84 hours I can do forever, right? And I was feeling so positive and proud of myself, and I started to breathe through my nose. I physically can’t speak in group settings, I’d be okay with 1:1 meetings but again, I’d want these to be anonymous, so I’m not sure if the addiction centre here would let me access any help. When I’m using, all I’m doing is sitting there reading everything I can about quitting, withdrawal, and sobriety, and filling my mind with motivation and positivity, and writing about my goals etc in a journal. I just like feeling awake and productive, without it I’m dulled down with fatigue from mental health and medications. I’ll be starting a new job soon after being out of work since June, so I really need to do this, like now!
I can’t even go to the shops to buy groceries, or to visit friends or family. I don’t know how I’d manage it but I do want to, and I have found an NA meeting tomorrow at 3pm, and another on Wednesday at 7:30pm, so I will really try to get myself out of my door and into theirs, because I do need help, I just have always dealt with things by myself, but I can accept that that’s not working out. Are the meetings intense or quite laid back, does anyone know?
I feel so alone though, I have a very minimal amount of people in my life, and I don’t even speak to the ones I do have regularly, and no one knows I even use, I could never tell them. I have no one that I can have a conversation with, ever. I lost my 2 long-term best friends for reasons beyond my control about 7 years ago, and haven’t been able to make any new friends because I don’t go out anywhere or do anything that could lead to meeting new people. There is a great TED talk in which the speaker says ‘The opposite of addiction is connection’ and I feel that on a very deep level, but it’s not something I can go out and buy or force. I’ve always struggled to make friends and I really miss having people to do simple things with. I need to learn to start going out and doing things by myself, because I need to start being my own best friend instead of mistreating myself. I will keep checking in here. I really hope I can get myself to that meeting tomorrow
I’m only on day six, but coming here to you guys really helps. I like to read through the posts and remind myself that I’m not the only one trying to change, or that feels the need to. I’m not special in anyway, but I feel extraordinary just trying to be a better me.
To me it’s about the small victories. This weekend will be my first voluntary sober weekend in about 7 months.
For your sake and mine, take the small victories. Even if it is just day one.
