So I passed a year sober a few weeks ago. I’m currently on holiday from work and the break in routine messes me up. Had some low points but generally being ok.
For the first time in months I received a dealer text. The usual saying they are on and available etc. My mind instantly sought the rush of picking up and the initial hit of using. However I was also able to realise all the negative aspects of using, damage to me, my family etc. This was a good thing as my rational brain was working. I talked it over with my wife when she got home.
I guess I was surprised at the initial reaction and how my responses were almost considering it. That voice inside going “you deserve this, you’ve done well and you will be in control this time” we all know that’s not true but at the time that voice wants to convince us. I’m training later and that will help. Just felt bizzare
That’s a pretty strong trigger if you ask me. No wonder it make you crave for a second. You dealt with it perfectly though, thinking it through, talking about it to you partner, posting here, going training… Excellent work Ulric. One day, one crave at a time. You got this.
Only thing you night have considered before is blocking your dealer’s number or changing your own number. But well done overall.
I do block them. But it’s all burners and temp numbers so I just get another one a few weeks later. Been a while since I had one though so I did think they had lost interest
Your initial reaction is not surprising and is normal enough. That’s the addict reaction you spent many years training your brain to make, with strong rewards (though temporary and ultimately damaging) attached to it.
The strong recovered part of yourself now has the ability to pause before reacting, and the craving for true human connection.
Though some of this incident was frightening, most of it shows that you love your sobriety and yourself. Keep up the good work!
Thank you mate. I hit 5 years before I had several relapses in a short period of time. It was rough getting back to it but we do heal. It’s about finding another outlet, for me it’s jiujitsu.
I really felt your post. I’ve blocked everyone and changed my number twice to stop getting texts. Luckily, I only talk to four people, so it’s not a huge deal for me, but it’s not realistic for everyone. For me, getting a text like “you need?” was the worst thing ever. I just replied with “clean” and then blocked them.
That worked for about half of the time. It became a matter of respect for me. Like, I get you don’t want to lose business, but I don’t want to die (thoughts to myself every time). That’s when I decided the second number change was necessary. People only got the number if I spoke with them regularly and they were sober. The realization that that is only four people (literally) has been rough. Not a single “friend” made the list to this day. Maybe it was a bit much, but definitely necessary. I don’t think if I hadn’t done what I did, I don’t know where I’d be. Definitely not a year sober.
I lost so many “friends” when I got sober. Took me realising I was just being used to buy drugs and foot the bill. Once I start it’s impossible to stop and these people knew I’d lose all sense of self and buy anything and everything I could as well as going to into debt for it.
Look at how amazing you did and the growth! You were able to use critical Thinking and be open and honest with your wife. You should be extremely proud.
That was the disease trying to talk to you. You used your tools way to go! You played the tape through and knew it would end up bad. I don’t think the obsession ever completely goes away! We never graduate right?
It was a definitive moment for me playing it all through. Realising where it ends, everytime. Admitting I have no control once started. This is why the battle is not starting.
