I have just passed the 19months sober mark, and have recently been struggling more than I have in quite some time. My 24 year old daughter recently came out as a transgendered Male. I am at a complete loss. She did this only a few weeks after I lost my mother, so it really felt like a double blow…grieving the loss of my mom and now the loss of my daughter. I love her more than anything in the word and nothing will ever change that. But I have struggling so hard with this. I never saw it coming, no one did. For the record, I have no issue with someone being transgender. And if I believed even a little bit that she actually was, I know I would be having an easier time with this. But in my gut, in my heart, I know that she is not. I know without a doubt that in her case, this is purely a mental issue. She found out 6 years ago that her father and i split up when she was 18months old because he raped me. She has never dealt with this emotionally… on top of that, she has watched me be used and abused time after time in relationships. I believe in my heart, that this is the real issue behind all of this. But I haven’t been able to talk to her about any of this. I am so terrified of her cutting me out of her life again. And when I do something to offend her, I automatically become the bad person. If someone even slightly disagrees with her new life choice, then she labels them transphobic. People are either with her or against her. I am so terrified of conflict with her that I have just stepped back. In the meantime, it is eating away at me. I haven’t been sleeping, eating, or attending meetings. I want to drink so badly… I have opened up to a few people and I joined a support page for parents of transgendered children, but seriously, if one more person tells me I should be happy to have a “son”, I feel like I could punch them in the mouth. This is all bringing up some unresolved resentments when it comes to her and her dad. My sponsor suggested I re-do my step 4 to work through it. I feel like I am being super selfish right now… sorry for the big rant.
Wow that’s some heavy heavy.
First off, you know a drink won’t solve or help anything. You know that in your heart.
Second, have you tried therapy with her? A safe space with a neutral advisor? They’re pretty good at helping people meet each other in the middle.
She’s 24, I know a mama is never not a mama but she’s grown, and she can live her life any way she pleases.
Get back to meetings, and follow the guidance of your sponsor.
You seem pretty distraught. Now imagine how your son must feel. Maybe worry more about him and less about how it makes you feel.
i’m glad you have a safe space (here) to get it all out. everything you think this is about (mental)… stop. and start supporting your son. people take their lives over this, some because they feel no one is in their corner and bad thoughts fester. you are the closest person to your son and can be of the biggest help as he navigates this new world of manhood. life for most of us is anything by simple. looks like you got some added spice, mama! 
That is tough. I’ve watched two acquaintances (one friend, one coworker) go through this and from what I e seen your feelings are completely normal. This is a huge deal for parents to process. This may or may not be a true transgender situation but that is solely up to your child to decide. All you can do is show them that you will love them no matter what their gender is. You don’t need to mourn the loss of a daughter or celebrate a new son yet. Everyone needs time. Your child may have spent years dealing with this themselves but for you this is so new. Hopefully they know it may take a while for you to come to terms with too. Who knows what will be 6 months or a year from now, take it day by day.
And don’t drink!!! You KNOW that won’t help the situation at all.
I haven’t gone through this as a parent, but my brother transitioned ftm. When he came out, we immediately changed pronouns and did everything we could do to support him, because he is family and we love him. Since he transitioned, he’s become SO much happier. Seeing him live his life as who he truly is has been incredible. We both went through a lot of trauma as kids, and I know my mother wondered if he was going through a phase, but her decision to support my bro made a huge impact on him.
Out of respect to your son I’d suggest you change the pronouns you’re using, even if he does change his mind.
If you’re still working on becoming comfortable with male pronouns, they/them is usually less troublesome than straight misgendering someone. Search coming out as trans videos on YouTube. The response that your family has is HUGE.
Did you thank him for trusting you with this information? I’d suggest focusing on how you can support him.
I have always been 100% supportive. I refer to her by the name and gender she prefers when I am with her. But that doesn’t mean that in this moment, where she cannot see what I am writing, that I cannot refer to her by the name she was given.
It’s funny you say to change your pronouns, but you are calling your brother that went mtf “him”& “he” instead of “she” lol
He went FTM, sorry for the typo! My brother and I do have an agreement for when I can refer to him with his dead name and dead pronouns, which is about specific stories from our childhood.
Ohhhhh. That makes more sense 
I am always supportive no matter what when it comes to my children. And I will support her with this is well, whether I agree with it or not.
It’s 7 years since my son came out to me and my wife. He had his top surgery a week ago. I can totally relate to using he and Simon out loud, and she and Bridget in my head.
I am reading Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron, thanks to @aircircle. There is a short chapter on fear and how my fear is my responsibility, and not necessarily a condition with external cause.
I’ve found it’s natural and okay to feel fear and joy simultaneously. To grieve and to support. To reminisce and celebrate.
Blessings on your house 
.
Hey bro…maybe take a step back here. I read a plea for help in dealing with this, from a mother who is clearly blindsided, needs some help processing it, and ultimately wants to be a supportive sober parent. She came here for help, and perspective, and I assume to protect her sobriety.
I cannot imagine what it’s like for a mother, someone who conceived, carried, raised, loved, nurtured and supported a daughter for a quarter century, to suddenly be confronted by this. To have so much of her identity flipped upside down, along with her child’s identity. I honestly don’t know how I’d react, were this me. No doubt that I’d love my child, and I wouldn’t disown her, or anything like that, but having an expectation of instant acceptance is more than a bit challenging.
Wait until you have adult children. What will you do when/if your child makes decisions or choices that strike at the very heart of your principles, beliefs, etc? Easy to say “Oh, I’d just think about them, and respect their decisions”. Much harder to actually do IRL. It’s not what you preach. It’s what you tolerate.
That is ok, your child is part of your identity. And that identity just changed. It is ok to be at a loss, have questions, and not understand.
It is completely ok, if this takes time for you.
I read in your comments that you still have love and compassion for your child, and that is the most important.
My husbands 17 year old is transgender. we found out a little over a year ago. We just embrace it. He will always be my stepson and he loves me for supporting him in this decision.
Thank you for this!!! This pretty much sums up what I was feeling.
Thank you!! I will check that out!!!
Expectations… in my sobriety journey I have definitely been learning that Expections are just resentments waiting to happen. I have to remind myself of this.
And it’s quite natural to be feeling it, I think. As I said, I can’t say exactly how I’d react, if faced with the same challenge, but I do know that I would likely be just as confused, conflicted, and heartbroken as you are right now.
I pray for you to find peace, wisdom, and discernment in this time.