My father has been sick for awhile - he was a vet from the Vietnam war and he has PTSD so I understand the gene of anxiety and depression has been pass down to me. He visited his trauma memories with me as a child and told me several times he wanted to kill himself.
My mother has been verbally and physically abusive with me. From taking a knife to my neck as a child, to throwing a plant with concrete block from the second story to me and my brother, and slamming my head repeatedly against the wall.
At age 13, I realized my parents were human beings are just people fighting their own battles. My mom had brought
a knife and I had to fight it out of her hand and I just hugged her. She cried so hard.
Are there any people here who can provide me advice to not live in the past?
The first step is to find someone to talk to. Not so they can necessarily give you answers but sometimes we bottle things up. Analyse them in our heads. Over analyse them. Analyse them some more. Sometimes hearing yourself speak the words helps. I’ve not had great success with the occasional professional therapist I have seen but I had great help talking to a friend I thought wouldn’t be any help. Basically he listened and didn’t judge. After pouring out stuff i’d kept inside I took what felt like my first proper deep breath in years. Then he made me a cup of tea. 
I wish you luck. Your feelings are part of you but not all of you. You are allowed to feel bad. You are allowed to feel better.
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Thank you - I’m trying to understand my feelings while going to therapy. I sent her an email about my flashbacks so I’m still waiting to hear back. I have yet to find a friend to talk about this, but at the same time I feel it shouldn’t be a friends’ place to talk about such traumatic experience.
Otherwise I’d love to hear others share their stories and how they got through it.
Good luck and I hope you can find peace.
I understand what you say about a friend not having to listen. But if a friend came to you to talk i am sure you would listen. Sometimes people you know disappoint you but sometimes they amaze you.
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I think a huge part of healing & moving on from a crappy childhood is when, like you did, you finally realize your parents are just human beings who can only do what they’ve been taught. Both of my parents were raised in highly dysfunctional environments & as such they were both horrible at parenting. After years of therapy i finally came to that realization & it was very freeing. Now when they do or say something crazy i just look at them as 2 people with issues instead of as my parents, and it keeps me from taking it personally. Neither of my sisters have yet to get to this point & allow my parents to continually drive them nuts. I hope you find peace, i truly understand how hard this is.
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My folks are both alcoholic and were mentally and emotionally abusive and negelctful to me and my brothers, physically abusive with one of my brothers as well. I thought I was doing really great in adulthood to get away from all of it but it came crashing down on me once I became a mother. Fast forward some years and now I’m an alcoholic as well.
I’m working with my therapist really closely on healing from the wounds I’m now discovering. I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on about being an ACOA and coming from a dysfunctional home. These things have helped me understand why I have a lot of the behaviors I do and are showing me the things I can work on to use my coping mechanisms in a healthy way.
You’re not alone in how you’re feeling and it’s really great and strong of you to be able to see your parents as individuals with problems. Good luck in your work on this! Even just knowing the reasons behind a lot of my thoughts and feelings has been really liberating.
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I wish you luck. Your feelings are part of you but not all of you. You are allowed to feel bad. You are allowed to feel better.