Hey folks, I have a question about dealing with significant others who aren’t in recovery.
A little context: I’ve been in AA for about a year and a half now and have been able to maintain my sobriety. However, my significant other has been getting super frustrated and pissy with me, if I’m being honest, about when I go to meetings lately. And I’m not sure if it really has anything to do with the fact I’m not spending time with her because I leave for meetings at 7:15 at night and she’ll be in bed before 8:00 anyway.
I’m just under a lot of pressure with it all because we have a 4 year old together and I’m also in my last semester of school and I’m really struggling to keep it all together. Being in school, a lot of my time is taken up with schoolwork so I spend a lot of time with that and I also try to go to at least 4 meetings per week. I feel like I’m being nagged on to basically give up either school or meetings because she feels she needs my attention and when I try and talk to her, it usually ends up with some sort of argument or a passive aggressive remark from her.
I’d just like some advice on how to handle this. I’ve tried suggesting Al-Anon but I think shes under the impression that it’s for crazy people or something and just won’t say that. She told me last week she’d be willing to go to Al-Anon but that I have to find somebody to take her.
Edit: I should probably add too that both work and school for me are being done online so my meetings are pretty well the only way I get to leave the house.
Maybe give this a read/re-read. You might pick up something from it. As far as the Alanon, maybe you could take her? Or announce at your next meeting that you are curious about others that have spouses in alanon.
When I was pretty new in the program and was going to meetings a lot I had a similar problem. My wife was a little resentful that I was gone at meetings every night.
I brought this up to my sponsor and one of the things he told me was that “it’s not the quantity of the time spent together, it’s the quality”.
That stuck with me. It told me that the time spent with her I need to be more present.
I wouldn’t cut back on your meetings. The saying goes…“sobriety must come first so that everything I love in life does not have to come last.” I would push al-anon. She can do meetings online if she’s not up to going by herself. Intherooms.com has them.
I’m a meeting maker too. And after reading your topic… HONEY, YOU NEED THAT HOUR for your recovery. Life is a juggling act at best. Its hard when it seems the other person isn’t on board, let alone not encouraging your active recovery. At least your not getting crap about drinking
Or something you’ve done that u can’t remember. Thats the way I look at it. And every one needs to know they are still a priority. Is there a way, or a conversation u can have that will help you both have a better understanding of what each of you need. What a concept. Im definitely going to try out communication when I am ready for a relationship.
I ran into the same kind of reaction to my meeting attendance and quoting AA around the house. I got called “Mr. AA” more than once and not in a kind way.
I stopped quoting the program and suggesting that she try it, but I did acknowledge that I was away at meetings. I justified it to her by saying “It’s better than me being drunk and in jail, right?”. And we worked out the number and timing of my meetings. I switched, at the time, to nooners so it would have less impact on my home life. I took 1 hour vacation each day to supplement my lunch hour to get to the meeting and back. Later, when I changed jobs, I switched to early AM meetings (6:30). It helped that the kids were older, and I would help out with the morning routine (mostly rousting the 15 year old out of bed in time for school) on the days I did not go to meetings.
Openness and compromise - skills and practices needed in lots of areas of my relationship! But this chafing over my AA attendance was what really got me to practicing them.
Good luck, brother - and a huge “Well done!” on your 18 months!
She might need reassurance that right now is just a stressful time and it won’t last forever. School will be over soon and you’ll have some more free time then.
You do your meetings, juggle school and work, parent duties,obviously your sobriety has to come first or alcohol will come first, you know this we all know this,
You said you do 4 meetings a week, that’s important it works for you, have you offered for her to attend a meeting with you? Maybe she doesn’t understand the concept and how it helps,most meetings are open and all are welcome,
So the other 3 days a week your not attending a meeting what are you doing? Are you able to make time for her?
Doesn’t need to be extravagant, just needs to be personal, a nice dinner, snuggle to a movie on the couch? A walk, whatever it’s not about what your doing it’s about who your with and the time spent together, make it count,
As addict/alcoholic me knows, I need structure, I need time management, but relationship me knows how important spending time working on your relationship is, you make time for everything else, make time for her, you love her you won’t regret it
sometimes we have to work our sobriety from the fireplace out , long chat sit down and explain to her how your feeling and how being sober is for you and nothing stopping you going to a alanon meeting with her if you can get a sitter ? plenty off hugs tell her you love her .i used to come in from meetings and go to my Dad who had parkinsons hug him told him i love him all part of getting sober wish you well