# Defective Characters
**URL:** https://talkingsober.com/t/defective-characters/210665
**Category:** Life in Recovery
**Tags:** 12-steps, sobriety
**Created:** [September 28, 2026, 8:44am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/defective-characters/210665 "2026-09-28T08:44:03Z")
**Posts on this page:** 10
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@AdamRoss](https://talkingsober.com/u/AdamRoss)
#### Post date: [September 28, 2026, 8:44am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/defective-characters/210665/1 "2026-09-28T08:44:03Z")
I recently heard of the practice of sponsor’s who determine and listed the sponsee’s character defects. Based on the sponsee’s 5th step. I don’t think this is how that was intended to work and feel it’s controlling. What say you
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### Author:  [@erntedank](https://talkingsober.com/u/erntedank)
#### Post date: [September 28, 2026, 10:20am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/defective-characters/210665/2 "2026-09-28T10:20:46Z")
Actually there is a whole thread on the topic
> [@Character Defect of the Day](https://talkingsober.com/t/character-defect-of-the-day/142294):
>
> We all got em. Probably more than one, but many of us refuse to acknowledge them. Some days they are different than others for me. My CD of the day is from yesterday and it’s self-pity. Some days are rough, and yesterday was that day. But I allowed the bad day to turn into a bad evening. Then I got in that woe is me bullshit and took it from there. I wallowed in my self pity like a pig wallows in shit. Of course I know a whole bunch of things to do get out of that funk but decided not to do an…
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### Author:  [@les](https://talkingsober.com/u/les)
#### Post date: [September 28, 2026, 11:04am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/defective-characters/210665/3 "2026-09-28T11:04:33Z")
I haven’t heard of anyone doing it that way, but I have heard of shitty sponsors so I wouldn’t be shocked to hear it has happened. Definitely not a program I would be interested in working
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### Author:  [@Starlight14](https://talkingsober.com/u/Starlight14)
#### Post date: [September 28, 2026, 11:08am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/defective-characters/210665/4 "2026-09-28T11:08:34Z")
Im currently working on exactly this, not via the 12 steps but through Jungian theory, in that its called ‘shadow work’ we all have character defects to look at, accept and work through it doesnt have to be a negative practice its more about looking at ourselves with true honesty
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### Author:  [@mikedrums1205](https://talkingsober.com/u/mikedrums1205)
#### Post date: [September 28, 2026, 1:46pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/defective-characters/210665/5 "2026-09-28T13:46:25Z")
This is not the correct practice or what a sponsor does. A sponsor is to guide someone through the 12 steps, not take the other person’s inventory. The sponsor is there to answer questions, but not to cast judgement on the other person. I would not stay with a sponsor who did that. I’ve had the pleasure of going through the 12 steps and continuing to grow in my sobriety with a fantastic sponsor. Never was there a point where he listed my character defects or faults. That is the individual’s work and responsibly to see, reflect on, and rectify with their actions and the aid of their higher power. People get egos in recovery and think they can judge another person which is just being human, but casting that onto others is just not a good thing. I think there’s a feeling you get when you know you’re with the right sponsor for you too. That’s how I felt anyway
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### Author:  [@Jwfletcher4792](https://talkingsober.com/u/Jwfletcher4792)
#### Post date: [September 28, 2026, 2:15pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/defective-characters/210665/6 "2026-09-28T14:15:49Z")
@mikedrums1205 yes I agree! I just got my first sponsor and so far that’s how I feel, like it’s just the right fit. I also agree with what you said about egos, there are plenty in sobriety but there’s a lot of good seasoned veterans ready to take newcomers under their wings, or even folks who have some solid sobriety. There are people that want to sponsor others because it protects their sobriety as well on top of it being the 12th step to carry the message to others, most people WANT to do that. I’m only almost at a month and even I feel a desire to help the next person ❤
I think it’s unfair to potentially judge a program that has helped/reached millions of people in the last nearly hundred years. I look at it like this, there’s problematic folks all around us in the world, but just because they’re around doesn’t mean we avoid the world 🤷♂️ that goes back to the starting point of pretty much every AA meeting, the serenity prayer in which we ask a higher power for the ability to understand the shit we can control and the shit we can’t and to actively control what is ours to control and leave the rest up to a higher power to deal with.
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### Author:  [@Lezourez](https://talkingsober.com/u/Lezourez)
#### Post date: [September 28, 2026, 2:40pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/defective-characters/210665/7 "2026-09-28T14:40:41Z")
It’s the whole point of the 5th step.
If your Sponsor doesn’t point them out who is, you?
It all depends on how it’s done, a gentle push in the right direction is usually all that’s needed for the Sponsee to realise what the defect is.
You don’t need come over heavy handed or dictatorial, that’s the wrong way to go about it.
I’ve been sponsoring for over 20 years and that’s the way I do it.
😇&😈
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### Author:  [@mikedrums1205](https://talkingsober.com/u/mikedrums1205)
#### Post date: [September 28, 2026, 3:16pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/defective-characters/210665/8 "2026-09-28T15:16:10Z")
Yeah and it’s more how it’s done. If you’re a sponsor and you just say this is what’s wrong with you I don’t think that’s the way to do it. You can give your opinions and a guide in the right direction appropriately without being a drill sergeant. I’ve been asked to my own sponsor about things and him just being honest helped me see where I could look at things or do them differently in a better way
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### Author:  [@Dolse71](https://talkingsober.com/u/Dolse71)
#### Post date: [September 28, 2026, 4:29pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/defective-characters/210665/9 "2026-09-28T16:29:48Z")
My sponsor gave me a list of my defects of character and I had to get a dictionary so I knew exactly what they meant and tbh I thought I was perfect so until someone on the outside could point me in the right direction how would I have known what I had to work on. In my recovery this was the most important step and I feel it is very underrated as most people worry about step four or nine. I look at my defects every day if things are not going to my liking and look at the part I play in certain situation. Most of the time it’s just a relief to be wrong, admit it and be able to apologise. And they all lived happily ever after 😉
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### Author:  [@Butterflymoonwoman](https://talkingsober.com/u/Butterflymoonwoman)
#### Post date: [September 28, 2026, 7:03pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/defective-characters/210665/10 "2026-09-28T19:03:54Z")
Welcome to the forum!! When I did my Step 4 and 5, it was really a team effort btwn my sponsor and I to see what character defects popped up. I wrote down the defects that were very obvious to me thru doing the steps, but then my sponsor helped me to see a couple more that I had missed. Sometimes I am unable to see them bcuz I have been living with them for sooo long. What helped me is going online and getting a list of ALL the defects of character that are possible to have. I went thru this list and picked out the ones that stood out to me. I then went and wrote down its opposite. This list here is just an example of what defects can come up. Theres lots of lists on the internet:
