Defragging and reprogramming

I randomly came across this (thank you synchronicity) and my external shell of denial literally crumbled. I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually, socially, (the ‘ly’ list goes on) at a very young age. VERY YOUNG. This carried on into adulthood and I was made to feel that my inherit strengths were actually defective weaknesses. I was raised to conform and serve others even at the expense of myself even if it goes against any level of my being. Drinking held me to numb.

At 16 I was already in so much pain from what people TOOK from me that I began to let alcohol program me into a false sense of self. Now as I try to get to know myself sober, I have to strip away layers and layers of what others have literally wired into my being. I am not who I am supposed to be, I was never allowed.

But I am going to give myself permission to be a person and not a product. It is my right as a spiritual and physical being to own my feelings and right now Im really lonely, isolated, and depressed… but thats good I guess because according to this, I’m half way there.

“Recovery” just took on a whole new depth and just got really “real”. I’ve been lying to myself and everyone else by extension. No more. I would normally say ‘sorry for the word vomit’, but I’m not sorry because you guys are the only ones who seem to care and believe in me even though you’ve never seen me. With all my broken heart, thank you.


It is truly the biggest challenge of maintaining sobriety (in my opinion) - facing, feeling, and actually sitting with our emotions. Especially the negative ones. The only way out is through. Healing begins as you move through your negative emotions.

I have a lot of reprogramming to do. But I remind myself that I don’t have to accomplish it all in one day.

Think of yourself as an acrylic painting in the works. There are many layers and one builds upon the other…even if it looks a mess for a while and isn’t quite right. If you keep adding layers of colors it will eventually all come together to form an exquisite masterpiece. It takes time and dedication. Keep your head up, girl. You are not alone. hugs :hugs:


Thank you so much for this! I’m going to deeply meditate on what I’m painting on my canvas

And when you said “go strait through” I thought of the labyrinth worm :joy:

1 Like

You are so brave! It sounds like you’re on your way to allowing yourself to be your true self. You are a huge inspiration to me, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I wish the world for you!

That’s how I feel when I’m giving advice haha.

“You don’t by any chance know a way through this labyrinth do you?”
“Who me? Nah, I’m just a worm.”

shrug :joy:

Your comment “I am not who I was supposed to be, I was never allowed” hit home with me. You summed up how I have felt for so long.

I was not allowed to be a kid. I had to grow up quickly in order to take care of others and was not treated tenderly as a young girl and young woman. It has taken me years to realize this.

But l am enjoying my life now as a person who is learning how to laugh and play hard and not be all things to all people at the expense of my emotional, spiritual and physical health.

Recovery is a journey of self discovery and you are stronger as you make these discoveries and learn who you are and who you want to be. So word vomit is good. As you continue your journey you are helping us as well as yourself along the way.