I’ve been on and off sober for over a year, the longest period of sobriety was last year for almost 4 months. I’m trying again but really seriously this time and am on my 5th day of sobriety. It’s sort of easier during a pandemic, I can cut everyone out and disappear no one would notice.
I have some severe mental health issues all of which are unmedicated and undiagnosed. Drinking and using makes a lot of things worse in my head, I’ll get so fucked up that suicide is the only thing I can think about for days on end. But when I’m sober I can hear absolutely everything in my head and it’s way worse than I could ever imagine.
So what’s worse, alcohol induced severe depression and the chaos that it brings my life; or the violently unstable and disturbing chaos that is my brain to begin with?
To make it worse my friends are suggesting such bullshit like since I quit drinking I have to quit sugar because the sugar is why I feel so shit. If I brushed my teeth more my depression would disappear over night. I just can’t take it but being alone is so hard
Welcome to the forum T… I think that this forum is the right place for you as it has helped incredible amounts of addicts.
I am no expert on mental health. I can’t experience exactly what your brain is like when sober, I actually don’t have a clue. I don’t think I should give any advice on your mental illnesses. What I do know is that many mental issues can be manageable with the right help, so please find a way to get that help.
Now to answer your question.
Drinking won’t be manageable. I’ve read many stories about people who lost everything before they could stop. But what scares me even more are all those stories you don’t read, because the writers aren’t with us anymore because of the abuse. The people who had years of sobriety an disappeared because they decided drinking would be manageable by now.
So I’d say, those thoughts that have a chance of becoming manageable are the better solution, no matter how hard it is. And know that eventhough we are complete and total strangers, we’re here for you. And don’t listen to your friends. It may be good advice, but the reasoning is probably ignorant. And I don’t recommend quitting two substances at once as that often turns out to be too much.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey. I think that you stand a very good change, because most addicts never realise they’re addicts until it’s too late. But you did. To put it simply, that’s fucking awesome. Keep up the good work.
I too had grave mental and emotional disorders beside alcholism and drug addiction. Suicidal, many suicide attemps, severe depression and frankly “the violently unstable and disturbing chaos that is my brain to begin wit” exactly.
I’ve eventually ended up in a psychiatrist office , got diagnosed with a bunch of codes after harming myself (my gf said something like “oh now youre done” God bless her). Got prescribed some serious pills for that. Eventually i got so sick ,even with pills that i started drinking and doing drugs again. Complete mess and pretty terrible situation at home. Couldn’t work anymore cuz of the depression… the pits maan !!
My fam got me into an institution , stayed there for about four months … It was ok man but eventually i got a feeling that its not gonna cut it. So i left dude. Started going to NA meetings and just couldn’t connect there. So i drank again.
Went to an AA meeting online. I was offered some numbers , i reached out to the first guy from the list. That dude is my sponsor since that day and that group became my homegroup. We started working the Steps, i kept going to meetings daily ( had the time dude and i still do) , got invopved in my homegroup, in service. Im practicing the Program on a daily basis (im not perfect ) It wasnt and it is not easy all the time. Got trough some really rough patches…
Today im alcohol,drug and pills free. Im feeling right. Having an amazing time, hanging out, going out, things at home are pretty good. Aplied for a job recently. And im having regular visits with my psychiatrist whos happy to see me well.
i think often our friends, although they mean well; unless they are also addicts or have had similar experiences, can’t understand on the same level what we are going through.
from their perspective it may be a solution to point out other things to cut out, but i don’t think that is going to help you much right now.
it sounds to me like you are dealing with some very heavy, deep rooted issues. and that’s totally fine and normal - this is why we’re addicts lol.
definitely this forum will be a helpful place to get things off your chest, but finding a therapist i would 100% recommend. i have been seeing one every week since i quit.
if it’s a struggle to find one i’m sure people here have resources to share!
Hey T. I got sober in May 2018 and have been struggling with my mental health since September of that year.
I think it’s better to be sober and to experience emotions. This is reality. If we don’t understand reality we can never face it. I know when we are in the depths of the despair it feels like it will never end, but it does. The only certainty is change and all that.
You say your mental health problems are undiagnosed - what is stopping you seeking a diagnosis and professional support? Although even that isn’t a quick fix, getting the right mix of therapy and medication can take time.
In the meantime, this community and other recovery networks are excellent places to build connections with other people who understand. Welcome!
Keep checking in and reach out whenever you need to
Hi T, I’m glad you’re reaching out. You do need others, like we all do. These battles are tough.
I’m sorry you’re having such hard time. I can’t fathom your pain but I have mine and I understand suicidal ideation. That was my preferable solution for most of 2018, depression sucked all life out of me. Hitting rock bottom so hard and deep I really saw no reason why I should exist. The world had nothing left to offer and in my world there was only mental pain.
I chose to get help. I didn’t know if I’d make it, if the pain would ever stop, if I’d find a reason to live. I’m doing better but it’s an ongoing battle. Years of therapy, medication, not crying at all, screaming, howling, being numb, being hopeful and then losing all hope again. But pain is gradually lessening and allowing space for other things, like gratitude.
Life is not black and white, but allow me to give you a “simple” answer.
Not easy but I’m certain there is hope for you. There are many survivor stories here, how people have pulled thru by different means. You’re no exception, it is possible for you too.
There is no hope here. This will kill you, 100% Alcohol and suicidal depression is a path that ends in death unless you stop and 180 turn.
Hey there. I recognize some similarities between us. I struggle a lot on the mental health end myself, before and after I got sober.
The mental health issues don’t go away because you get sober, of course. It helps, for sure, but isn’t the whole picture. Quitting sugar and brushing your teeth more ain’t gonna cut it. Your friends mean well but they are not mental health experts/professionals. If you can contact such a person, it would go a long way. Undiagnosed, you are flying blind. It’s like the scene in the movie The Emperor’s New Groove where the protagonist tries one potion after another offered by his friend, with unhelpful results, hoping that one of them solves the problem. Once diagnosed you can be treated, which offers you a chance to get better. Treatment doesn’t necessarily have to involve medication, but it could. Can you make an appointment with your doctor to discuss this?
I’m still a long ways from feeling “better”, but the progress I have made with my mental health issues since getting sober in the last two years is significant and meaningful. It’s worth trying to get a handle on this.
