Difficult Family Relationships

[Faugxh]

thank you. it gives me energy to hear that that is what emanates from my post. exactly what I need.

make that coffee and count me in. motherless daughters on zoom virtual knit circle.

have a great day, Mel.

[anon9289869]

@Faugxh

this is intensely over the line. I feel so much hostility in your mother’s behaviour (mine too has a lot of aggression and especially towards me when I was growing up). what do you think is up with that?

Unfortunately this is not new behavior for her. It is a reoccurring theme of her seeking validation from younger men to soothe her own insecurities. I had repressed the memories of it until this started again with D now. My high school bf she used to convince to sit on her bum and give her back massages. My first bf in college she called her son for many years after we broke up really until only a few years ago when he got busy pursuing a new career and stopped responding to her.

@Faugxh

she immediately straightened up, the tone of voice completely changed to softness, the entire aggro demeanor fell off her and she was sweet to him

My mum does this nonsense also. Back when I had first started dating D I dragged him around to more family gatherings than I otherwise would a new bf just to get her to be nice.

@RosaCanDo

my Mami had to deal with her father who expected her as the oldest daughter in a Mexican household to care for her parents as they aged but on HIS terms, promising to move to our house but then never moving, putting the blame wherever he could. Causing strife in our home. I just saw the problems people created in their relationships and as a kid I was so confused.

I am glad you brought this up Rosa! Knowing I would have that kind of separation and healing work happening in my family is a big reason I have so far chosen to not have children. My mum is the oldest of her siblings that was still speaking to my abuelo last year and he pulled the same thing pushing to move up here to be cared for and putting a bunch of stress on us to make arrangements for the move until he just cut off communication and plans fell through this past spring.

I know a lot of my mums own issues stem from her absent father. He would always make promises to her and get close to her only to disappear or become abusive again. I can see her fear of abandonment and the way she pushes people away before they leave - or she clings to the people that are easiest for her to manipulate into staying around. She has a lot of siblings with different mothers and she was able to bond with her own mother over her father’s betrayals.

How I wish she would choose to try therapy and work to release herself from the heartache that plagues her.

[anon9289869]

@mx_elle

I’d love to drink tea and just chat up a storm about these dynamics with you, all!

@Faugxh

make that coffee and count me in. motherless daughters on zoom virtual knit circle.

Love this
There’s just so dang much on this thread already that I want to reply to

[anon9289869]

@Zara84

when she falls out with my sister she then dotes on me, and I get a sense of hope, as I do still love her dearly, but as soon as they make up I’m discarded again

@LevelUpLo

My mother has decided shes done being a mom and is my sister and I’s friend now

Really relate to these! Thank you both for sharing. Luckily my sister and I have become a united front and no longer give in to the shit talking when my mother is back and forth between us but she still tries to pit us against each other. She v much acts more like a friend than a mother — asking to borrow clothes & shoes, asking for way too in depth info about our love lives, etc

@Mno

There’s a difference in how daughters relate to their mom as to how sons do. But I don’t understand what that difference is. More stuff to talk to my sis about I guess. If we ever get there.

Thanks for sharing your rantings Menno! I would be very interested to hear more about that difference and your experience/perspective. my sister and I have always related differently to our mum even as both of us being daughters. I’m sure there’s a lot more that factors into that as well though.

[Zara84]

Hey… thank you for sharing… I’m sorry to hear that your mum does this too. And yes, that sounds very similar to my situation. I just don’t get how a mother could behave in this way. I hope that one day I can have children and start my own family. I’d treat my children differently…

Stay strong. Let’s keep in touch

[Starlight14]

My mother guilt trips me, im very emotional a person and cry easily…she sees this as weakness and has always told me from being young how soft/stupid i am…unfortunately i believed her until recently…now i know its not weakness its just my way of dealing with things…i cry it out then i move on…id rather be like this than bottle things up. What helps me with how my mother treats me is ive looked at her life and and tried to decipher how and why she is the way she is and the conclusion ive come to mostly is that shes lacks emotional intelligence and cannot empathise very well with other peoples struggles mainly because shes never really had many hardships to deal with herself, im pleased shes had an easier life than the one i got cos thats just life, i love her but ironically many of my hardships have been because of her but because she didnt experience it she doesnt understand it or want to, i often wonder if at times her treatment of me is also tinged with guilt on her part…i treat my own daughter with the upmost respect as her own person and will never tell her not to cry

[Stephanie78]

My mom and I have a total dysfunctional relationship that has been discussed in my therapy visits for years. From her gaslighting me, to trying to turn my kids away from me, I still stay in her life like her puppet. Getting sober has made me stronger and I now have boundaries where there weren’t any before.

[Zara84]

Hey, I’m glad you’ve found peace with how you are. I cry when I’m sad too. Better to be sensitive and care than be cold/unfeeling. You sound like a great mum. I hope I can meet someone nice one day and have children of my own. I’d treat mine differently to how my mum treats me too lol! xxx

[anon9289869]

After a few months of not talking, out of the blue my mum texts me this morning an “I love you.” and it made me feel ill. I didn’t respond - couldn’t bring myself to respond - but it felt wrong to not respond. I wanted to vomit.

I heard a song later today about the sorrow of losing a mother from od and I cried. It was an odd feeling listening to this as if I had already lost my mother a long time ago.

[emc2018]

I came to this thread because I feel like I need to release and let go of some thoughts and feelings about my family that are clogging up my mental space right now. First, though, just want to ask how you’re doing @anon9289869 ? That must’ve been difficult receiving that text and knowing what to do (or not do).

I too have difficult family relationships. It’s hard because, on the one hand, I have a loving and wonderful family, and I’m so grateful to have them. On the other hand, I feel like the green sheep and they’re a bunch of pink-sheep nutters, set on being miserable and argumentative, and selfish, and absolutely terrible at communicating. Don’t get me wrong, I’m by NO MEANS perfect and I have my fair share of problems and poor personality traits. They, too, put up with me. And that’s what makes it so difficult. It’s like we’re always on a different page (actually…we’re in a different book altogether )
Despite the constant frustration, uncomfortable-ness and wishing I could run away, I seem to always be drawn right back. The cognitive dissonance is sht sht fkng sh*t.
I’ve never been good at setting boundaries; I don’t really know how. I always feel bad and like I’m the one in the wrong and always forgive and forget, only to regret it and then follow around the loop. I want some space from my parents. But I rely on them a lot. I think because I’m single, I rely on my family a lot for connection. But, it’s not the type of relationship and connection that is always good for me. I need to let go a little. Give us some space. But I don’t know how to do that it a way that is received well and that I don’t just change my mind or feel bad or feel lonely (mum’s go to is making everyone feel bad). Anyway, I will try. I’m going to give us some space. I’ll try lean on my friendships a little more in the meantime. Hopefully this can ease some anxiety and bring a bit more peace. I’m going to let go of my expectations. If I can.

[anon74766472]

@emc2018

But I don’t know how to do that it a way that is received wel

Sorry, if I add my thoughts here. Can be flagged. But this strikes me as this was a huuuuuuge point in my last therapy. How will my mother receive it. Can she handle it. Guilt is and was a leading feeling. This might not be your situation, though. But my therapist always said: each time you think about your mother’s feelings you leave yourself, you let go of what is good for you and try to make it well received for your mother still, I almost immediately jump into this position. It’s constant work and it involves unpleasant feelings on both sides. Sometimes it feels a bit like what I have read in another thread, being all accepting with myself in my body. This might be true today and I believe it will hold on from now on as it clicked. Well, it’s more of a wave or sigmoid curve.