Do you act out of love or out of fear

In recent times, I feel that I have always acted out of fear instead of love. My actions have been driven by fear instead of love. Do you feel the same? When was the last time your actions have been driven by love? I honestly cannot remember.

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This might not be 100% what you’re looking for but: today my boyfriend had one of his freakout/shutdown emotional episodes, where he just withdraws and everything is bad for him. In the past, this would have scared me and out of fear, that our relationship would fall apart and fear to be alone with him not emotionally available to me, I would have pressured him and made him feel worse. Instead, recently and today I strive to make him feel safe and that it’s ok to be going through stuff. I don’t know if that counts, cos of course it does annoy me to no end how whiney he can get but there you go! :joy::hugs:


Also, I’m sure if you look a little harder you find something selfless you’ve done recently! Cut yourself some slack! :heart:


I second this!!! Look at little harder :pray:t2::two_hearts:

My whole life I was scared. I always thought people were disappointed in me. I related disappointment with abuse and yelling(thx dad).
I also thought everyone hated me so I had a lot of masks out of fear. Now I act because I want to act that way. Neither love nor fear. Or maybe occasionally love, but not mainly

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I think (hope) I act out of love in some respects as I hate upsetting people, but fear as I don’t like confrontation and can become very shy which leads to being misjudged. When drinking, I usually looked out for people in my group, they had to be safe and happy or I couldn’t relax, but whilst I was going through my ‘dark period’, I was angry, I suppose this was me acting out of fear from the reality I was facing at that time (or was this me being brave?). It is very much a flight or fight scenario with me. I used drinking to give me confidence as I have low self esteem, but its your character that gives you confidence, not the vices, this I am building towards :blue_heart:

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When fear knocks on that door send hope to answer it . learn to love yourself which will bring confidence and with a program of recovery help to start working on those character defects we all have , facing the future is a daunting experience but when you have faith and desire and make the effort it becomes easier , face the world with a new mindset keep on trucking


For Goat, it has been important to look at why I am doing something, my motivations. The same actions can often be taken in fear but also out of love and compassion. The difference? How it makes me feel, even where the outcome is the same. Sometimes examining my motivations can be a rabbit hole for Goat, so for a short cut and to borrow from Hunter… What I want to know is… are you kind? Kind carries with it so much, honesty, genuiness, love, compassion, empathy, and lack of self centeredness. It allows me to take a real gut spot check with out getting all caught up in my head.

As to my feelings on love and how one finds love… This has always summed up my experience and the slogan that we will love you until you can love yourself.


I agree with others here. For me in the ruff times it’s easy for me to think of all the negative things I am all the ways I dont act or react out of fear or shame or defensive and all the other ones that keep me sick. I’ve now learned that if I feed those thoughts I’ll keep acting out of the same place of a negative mind space now I remind my self that I’m supportive kind caring and brave and you are too reaching out is difficult. Be kind to your self and it will make it eazyer to be kind to those you love

The reason I asked this question is because I have acted out of fear too long. I am a human cockroach, I live for myself, for my pleasures, for only me. I have been an alcoholic, an addict. I am lost. People tell me that I need to fing my way. But what is my way, my future, what do I follow. I do not know. I am just a fuck up. I am just a cockroach who does everything for himself. I am the most evil and selfish person I know. What do I want? I do not know. But yes I act out of fear, not out of love. I have forgotten love. I don’t know what I love. I am confused. So good people of the internet, do you have answers for me. Or do we carry on. The way we are.

You’re sober now. Even though you might not realize it, that’s done out of love for yourself. Even if it is fear for the consequences of continuing using, it’s still an act of love for yourself in the first place. And there might not be a bigger cliche but loving yourself is the most important love there is because if we don’t love ourselves we’re not able to really love anybody else too. You’re not a cockroach, you’re a human being like all of us Manish. With flaws included yes. And he who is without sin casts the first stone, to use another cliche. We are who we are but we can work on the flaws. One day at a time. I’m glad you are here friend.


I am glad I am here too. I have come back to this place many times, I was totally lost. I am lost. I am trying to find my way back. I have evil in me. I am diseased, cursed, alone. I find peace in this place. Thank you for having me here.


I love this, it’s so true and such a good point. The fact that you are even trying to stay sober is enough to show that you have love for yourself and those around you.

Another great principle…I live by this.

@manishc You are not a human cockroach. You are working to better yourself and that’s so admirable. No one is perfect and we are all in this journey for sobriety together. One sober day at a time :+1:

Also, I saw in the other thread that your wife is doing better now. I’m so glad! Cheers.

I get caught up in thus all the time. I want to do everything the right way and be seen as a good person. So im vigilant in my self monitoring. Constantly thinking of what I look like to other folk or how I’ll be perceived. Most of the time this just tosses me into freeze mode and ill miss out on taking action or being proactive.

I first realized this was a problem when I was too scared to talk to my wife about a home refinancing decision worth over $25k. I try to just be honest with myself, check in with myself to figure out what i am actually feeling, and having honest conversations.

The great thing is you get to decide to make changes for your future. Let the past lay, focus on building a brighter future. You might not know what that future is, but being sober will allow for a clear mind for you to figure some stuff out. Love and care for yourself and the rest will fall into place. Hang in there.

PS you are not a cockroach :grin: always a good practice to turn around the things you say to yourself and what you would feel or do if someone said them to you. Self love is key.

Future? Changes? Willpower? Destiny? Wtf? Who am i? What do I want? What do I love. I don’t know. I am here, a stranger among internet strangers, looking for a way out of my life. A way out of myself. I have been a cockroach too long. I need to get back. For good or for worse. I need to live. To survive. I am here. I did not want to be here. Too many people telling me to be the best version of myself. But I am so confused. I don’t even know what I want.

Your inner critic is being very loud right now. Please, don’t be so hard on yourself. You are here. You are worthy of love, joy, sobriety and happiness. You really are. What we focus on and tell ourselves amplifies; when those unkind, negative thoughts come into mind, recognise them for what they are, and choose not to believe them; question them instead and offer yourself some loving kindness :bouquet: it is time to be your own best friend :blush: then, you can use this loving awareness and kindness you offer yourself to help others too :blush: the words we speak have such power, choose your words lovingly and wisely when you think and speak of yourself and you will notice everything starts to change … for the better :heart::sparkles: here’s to your strength and happiness @manishc, I wish you well :sunflower:

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