# Does anyone have experience with a loved one who leaves you because of your addiction? How do you deal with it?
**URL:** https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500
**Category:** Emotional Support
**Created:** [November 20, 2023, 9:40pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500 "2023-11-20T21:40:21Z")
**Posts on this page:** 11
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@TommieW](https://talkingsober.com/u/TommieW)
#### Post date: [November 20, 2023, 9:40pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500/1 "2023-11-20T21:40:21Z")
Hi everyone, my girlfriend left me because of my addiction with different kind of drugs. I’m 4 days sober now and missing her terribly… any of u guys have experiences with this issue? How did you deal with it?
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### Author:  [@anon68572606](https://talkingsober.com/u/anon68572606)
#### Post date: [November 20, 2023, 9:45pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500/2 "2023-11-20T21:45:27Z")
Hi @TommieW I’m sorry for your pain in this moment.
My wife and I separated because of my addiction.
All throughout my addictive life I lied, manipulated, and was a smooth talker (or so I thought).
I used every excuse and reason imaginable to try to convince her I was getting better or going to be better, until that day.
The length of time I did this made each and every alphabetical letter that formed a word that came out of my mouth an unbelievable lie. Like the boy who cried wolf.
I at that point learned I had to do this for me, because the only way I would get her back was by actions rather than words. It also helped me learn how to begin to love myself and not seek external validation.
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### Author:  [@TommieW](https://talkingsober.com/u/TommieW)
#### Post date: [November 20, 2023, 10:38pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500/3 "2023-11-20T22:38:49Z")
Thank you for your reply! @anon68572606 This really opens my eyes because somehow I still feel like I’m doing it for “us”. So I’m not the only one with this feeling.
I am told by friends and family that I should indeed do it for myself, but it is so difficult not to involve her. How did you finally manage to realize that you should do it for yourself and how long did it take to realize? Is it fine to keep hoping that we will get together again in the long term or should I forget about that? Really struggling with these question the last days…
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### Author:  [@anon68572606](https://talkingsober.com/u/anon68572606)
#### Post date: [November 20, 2023, 10:47pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500/4 "2023-11-20T22:47:06Z")
The best response I can give is that without your sobriety you’re risking losing everything, and you stand to gain everything with your sobriety.
I had to realize that my connection was like a co-dependency. I survived before I met her, and I’ll survive without her. It won’t be the same without her and unless I continue my journey in recovery than I’ll never know what it could be.
I really had to dive into my personal issues even the deepest darkest ones to move forward.
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### Author:  [@anon68572606](https://talkingsober.com/u/anon68572606)
#### Post date: [November 20, 2023, 11:06pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500/5 "2023-11-20T23:06:28Z")
> [@TommieW](#):
>
> Is it fine to keep hoping that we will get together again in the long term or should I forget about that?
Of course hoping is fine, that helps motivate you.
Expectations need to be carefully examined. The only thing in this life as an addict that we can be certain of is that the life of recovery is life long.
Someone once used a metaphor that explained addiction like a deep scratch on my body. If we ignore it that wound becomes infected and worsens. If we put a bandaid on it without cleaning it, there’s potential for it to worsen and also get infected. Now if you clean it daily, change the bandaid, and watch it closely, that wound will eventually just be a scar.
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### Author:  [@TommieW](https://talkingsober.com/u/TommieW)
#### Post date: [November 20, 2023, 11:47pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500/6 "2023-11-20T23:47:18Z")
This really gives me new insights, especially the sentences about how I will only find out if I continue the journey! I’m going to try to continue the process without to much expectations and trying to keep the focus on myself. And indeed, I also survived without her before so I will survive in the future. Thank you for your help, I’m going to let it sink in over the next few days. It gives me strength!
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### Author:  [@Moveforward](https://talkingsober.com/u/Moveforward)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2023, 4:43am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500/7 "2023-11-21T04:43:04Z")
I’m in the same boat with my loved one. I’m currently trying to find my way without him and I miss him so much.
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### Author:  [@TommieW](https://talkingsober.com/u/TommieW)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2023, 8:17am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500/8 "2023-11-21T08:17:42Z")
I understand… it’s hard, also because a hug of your loved one can really help your through the process. I find the nights without her the hardest… I hope the words of @anon68572606 help you get through the process. Really opend my eyes in some ways. What are your strategies for getting through it? @Moveforward
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### Author:  [@Moveforward](https://talkingsober.com/u/Moveforward)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2023, 7:03pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500/9 "2023-11-21T19:03:52Z")
I totally agree with the whole it’s harder at night and the only thing that will make you feel better is a hug.
Right now not a whole lot , just a lot of crying. And I keep reminding myself that this is why I need to get better.
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### Author:  [@SelfLove\_42](https://talkingsober.com/u/SelfLove_42)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2023, 7:14pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500/10 "2023-11-21T19:14:08Z")
> [@anon68572606](#):
>
> Someone once used a metaphor that explained addiction like a deep scratch on my body. If we ignore it that wound becomes infected and worsens. If we put a bandaid on it without cleaning it, there’s potential for it to worsen and also get infected. Now if you clean it daily, change the bandaid, and watch it closely, that wound will eventually just be a scar.
As a lifelong porn addict, This is an amazing Metaphor and so true. If you dont do the work daily, watch it closely, it will get worse. It’s a deeply entrenched issue. Everyone’s got something, but it’s how you handle that could determine how your life turns out.
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### Author:  [@anon68572606](https://talkingsober.com/u/anon68572606)
#### Post date: [November 21, 2023, 7:16pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/does-anyone-have-experience-with-a-loved-one-who-leaves-you-because-of-your-addiction-how-do-you-deal-with-it/174500/11 "2023-11-21T19:16:24Z")
I hope this isn’t misinterpreted… @Moveforward
It isn’t why you need it, it is why you want to fight for you so badly.
Doing it for you and recognizing that you do Infact deserve this and have it within you, you stand a better chance at getting him back.
My instructor once said to me that the greatest thing someone could say to their partner is “I don’t need you”.
I only say this because I once said these same words that you have, and I have come to learn in my recovery that without me being sober, I’d likely be dead in no time and be without my wife anyway. So my recovery had to come first. It is 100% more important.