I’ve stopped cannabis a few times over the past decade-plus I’ve been using. Sometimes for doctors, sometimes because of finances, and always to see “if I could.” Turns out I can stop…kinda. Just never long-term like I usually want. If I can get past the first 7-14 days, I’m generally fine. But the internal understanding that I want to stop makes it so much harder somehow. It’s so much pressure! It makes it really hard for me to begin just the first 1-2 days.
Knowing I’m setting a sobriety goal makes me want to spend my time using up every bit of everything I have “so I won’t be tempted” while going sober. But that always makes it so much harder to quit cold-turkey. I’ll have an awful first day and then buy more to manage it and then feel like I need to use up everything before I can stop again…on and on it goes.
By the time I reach the 30 or 60 day mark I always think I can start using again “but it will be different this time.” I tell myself won’t use daily, I’ll save it for the weekends. But I immediately start using morning, noon, and night. Eventually it gets to a point where no matter how heavily I use I barely feel a thing, then I get anxious about that and feel like I need to quit but then get caught in the “I’ll quit after I use up my supply” cycle.
I haven’t brought any of this up with my therapist yet because I’m really embarrassed. I’m also afraid he’ll make everything going forward about my sobriety which, yes it is relevant, but I don’t think focusing on the self medication cannabis-bandage I slapped on my traumatized brain will be that helpful. It makes me feel embarrassed and upset even thinking about it.
Anyway, I’m here now. 14 hours sober. I’m bored and want to give up, but I won’t. Even though I don’t want to bring it up to my therapist, I will. I hate this all so much, I’m so mad at myself for getting myself into a situation where I feel at least partially dependant on a substance for relaxation and permission to relax. It’s hard because if it weren’t for cannabis I would not be alive right now, it saved me from severe depression and trauma holes and kept me from hurting myself. I am so thankful for this plant and the fact that I’m now using it as a crutch in a way that’s harming me has me feeling angry and betrayed by my own mind.
Anyway, rant is over. I’m 14 hours sober. I’m going to really center my sobriety this time. Lets do this
Hi
Welcome to the community.
And congratulations on your 14 hours, that is great as you mention you would smoke from early.
I used to smoke alot everyday all day for mny years i quit about 5-6 yrs ago now and i smoked for like 15 years.
You can do this, your already doing it
Its great to have you join us this community is full of support so keep checking in.
Your doing so well already.
Your story resonates with me. Like you i’ve quit many times cannabis (after finishing my stash, I would never even dare trying to stop with cannabis in my house). And get back at it, with the idea of managing my consumption. And I failed every single time…Until I quit for good. Too late unfortunately.
I wish you strength, you can do it!
“Turns out I can stop…kinda. Just never long-term like I want. If I can get past the first 7-14 days, I’m generally fine. But the internal understanding that I want to stop makes it so much harder somehow. It’s so much pressure! It makes it really hard for me to begin just the first 1-2 days.”
This part really resonated with me. Congratulations on your resolve to start today. I quit 14 days ago and feel like im and now coming through the other side with the withdrawals.
I also would get high and have this feeling of regret and start having this internal conversation with myself about why this had to be the last time. Next day I would be high and have the same conversation again.
I’ve been in therapy for over a decade and dealing slowly with the actual cause of my trauma. What I was saying was that focusing all of my energy in therapy on my cannabis use as opposed to my extensive childhood as well as adult trauma and SA is not something I’m interested in at the moment. My therapist knows about my use and how heavy it is, it’s not like I keep that from him. I will definitely bring up that I’m stopping, why, and all that jazz, I just need to get the words out, which isn’t easy for me.
Everyone goes at their own pace. This is where I am at the moment
I have a pretty decent rapport with my therapist. Definitely not the best I’ve had, but he’s the only trans/queer therapist in my area and I’m not giving him up for anything. My biggest issue is that he rarely asks me leading questions, he just waits for me to bring up every topic. I have a feeling it’s because he doesn’t want to be pushy, but it’s so hard for me to bring up difficult subjects on my own and when I finally feel comfortable to it only in the last 15-20 mins of my session after we’ve chatted and “warmed up.”
I’ve been in therapy for 10+ years, so I’m familiar with how the process works. I know talking about my cannabis use will be important, I’m just healing from so many other huge, life altering traumas (death of both parents, a huge move, long covid, unemployment) and need some stable emotional footing before diving head first into cannabis use as well.
I have the feeling that if he’s a good therapist he’s doing this to give you the chance to realise that this is YOUR therapy and if you want to change YOUR life then it is on you to bring up the things that are important. That’s what my lady does. Make me realise it’s all me. How I am defines the session.
it’s absolutely more complex than that and it absolutely goes integrally through the therapist and the relationship what happens in there.
I was trying to stress another point though, that is that therapy is not like medicine: go there and you’ll get better as in take the meds and you’ll get better, but it’s a space that we inscribe with what we bring and how we are there. it’s not a treatment done to us by the therapist. it’s kind of the other myth about therapy. one is: it’s all in your control, you gotta do the heavy work and you’ll harvest the goods. not true. the other is: your therapist/therapy will fix you. neither are true. neither are complex enough. I was just highlighting the one I found more beneficial for OP to have hightlighted. not trying to explain how therapy works.
I also get sick like this. currently second “emotional” cold in a row. fun times! wish you well!
