I had my last drink on 3/28/19. It was the usual half bottle of wine with dinner that I meticulously split with my husband. I’d have my first glass while cooking and sneak some extra sips from the bottle to make sure I got my “fair share”. I hoarded it and it made me irritable and nasty if I felt like I didn’t get a decent pour. Sometimes I would have a bottle of liquor hidden in the house and take a shot before the nightly wine sharing and this helped to relieve the stress of not getting enough wine. But having a bottle of secret liquor always led me to decide it would be a good idea to have a couple of shots during the daytime on the weekends before pretty much any activity. It didn’t count if no one knew about it. My life still appeared in control but I lived with constant guilt and shame and had developed a variety of digestive problems.
I have gotten sober before and was amazed that all of the things I needed alcohol to do were possible sober. I realized the insanity of living in a constant state of dread and anxiety about my drinking when if I just stopped drinking, I suddenly had nothing to feel guilty about. It was very easy to get sober and stay that way for 9 months. I didn’t even consider drinking. I was pregnant. During my 9 months off, I was able to see pretty clearly how problematic my drinking was. I attended some meetings and said, “I am an alcoholic” I knew it was true when I said it. What I didn’t do was find a sponsor, admit to my husband, friends, or family that I problem, or work the steps. I had an easy explanation to my wine buddies why I couldn’t join then. I also convinced myself that maybe after I had the baby, I would have a drink now and then but never go back to my old ways of drinking daily, hiding liquor, or drinking before doing anything that made me slightly uncomfortable. It was going to be different when I became a mother. I remember hearing some line about when you quit drinking and start again, you pick up right where you left off. It took me about a week after giving birth to learn that the hard way. I struggled through my first two years of motherhood with guilt and hangovers. I cobbled together a few weeks at a time here and there. I found out I was pregnant again on 3/29/19. Luckily I was only 3.5 weeks along and the doctor has told me alcohol shouldn’t affect the embryo that early. One of the many emotions I felt was relief that now I wouldn’t have to drink. I realize how insane that sounds.
So this time around I know I can’t go back to drinking like a lady. I’m an alcoholic and cannot have just one drink now and then. I proved that to myself too many times. And I can’t stay pregnant for the rest of my life. That safety net will go away and bring so many new stressors. I need to do some real work if I’m going to stay sober. My life depends on it. And more importantly, my babies depend on me.
