I don’t know why I continually choose to drink. Every time I drink I spiral myself into a hole of self-hatred, self-loathing, and self-harm. I know the numbers to call, I just choose not to call them. I hate myself even when I am sober. So why do I choose to drink knowing I’ll hate myself even more than I already do?
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I totally understand what you’re saying. I too hate that feeling but as of late when I think about a drink, I think of all the times I messed up and yes it makes me feel bad and want to drink more but I think that’s part of the recovery. We drink to take our pain away but if we dont feel those things how can we get better. I’m a week sober. Thursdays are the start of my drinking days. Today was ruff but I came here to read, comment and occupy my mind with others who feel the same way. We are not alone! One day at a time. Good luck on your journey!!
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Nah, there’s no poi t in hating on yourself. You have to be the best friend you have, this is one of the reasons why I’m trying to be a sober person. I want to be able to rely on myself. To be there when I need it most. The chances that we even made it here in to first place are phenomenal something like 1 chance in 400 trillion, and even more out there than that is the fact we are made from Stardust, we are part of something so much bigger than our tiny world. We hold the Universe within us 
. All you have to do is justgetthrough each moment. That’s all. It will be ok 
I think we choose short term above long term. Short term satisfying: that drink (rush)
Long term satisfying: a sober life.
What helped me is to write down how I feel down the day after the drinking: the self hating, shame, sickness, etc. and on the other side of that paper what I want for myself: a sober life, a healthy life, being a good mom, etc.
When I have cravings I tend to romantize my drinking so I need a reminder of how it was.
So then I start reading why I quit.
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Because you are an alcoholic, as am I. If we had managed a healthy relationship with alcohol, it never would have gotten the upper hand, and become the dominant partner in the relationship. We hate ourselves for not being stronger, or being able to admit that as we choose to abuse alcohol, alcohol abuses us right back.
I can affirm and attest to the fact that it doesn’t have to be this way. You can break free. Like trying to push a stalled car, it’s tough in the beginning. You have to dig in and push with all you have, and the car moves a little, feels like it’s actually pushing back (because it is…physics). You have to exert stronger force, and constant force, building momentum until the car is rolling, and it’s just a matter of continuing to push, but you don’t have to push nearly as hard as you once did.
Instead of hating, which accomplishes nothing, start pushing. Live on this forum. Hit a meeting. Connect with other addicts. Exercise. Meditate. Eat right. Pray. Soon your life will start to move forward. Slowly at first, but faster as time goes by.
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You know I once felt the exact same way, like to a fucking T.
Then I got into AA, made a bunch of meetings, got a sponsor and started working steps.
Now I’m 19+ months sober and I no longer hate myself, have thoughts of the world being better off without me and I can find joy in life.
The world is a better place with a sober you in it friend.
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Hi Matthew…
I drank to try to shut down the negative loop of self-talk. Sobering up meant I had to deal with those thoughts. At first it was very hard, especially since I am alone a great deal.
I watched a lot of TV, other people’s made up lives, to quiet down my negative life narrative.
Further in, (6 months now) that voice that told me I was pointless, is very, very quiet. Each day I don’t drink is a day I feel better and better about myself.
You need to trudge through, as difficult as it seems, and you will get to a better place. Not perfect, but definitely better.
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This is the disease of alcoholism. When you are absolutely sick and tired of being sick and tired you will choose to call those numbers. In a strange way I think that the self hatred is a good thing…it shows you are at the fork in the road…it is time for you to choose the direction you want to go. It isn’t going to be the nice straight and smooth road but if you want it, sobriety is the road to true love and happiness.
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There was a time I hated everyone in the room but I hated myself the most.
That hatred and self loathing is gone along with my obsession over alchohol.
I once felt completely like you.
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Aboslutely. I realized that I didn’t hate everyone else afterall…it was ONLY hatred of myself and I projected it on to them
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Sounds a bit like my philosophy of hard path leading to easy life, and the easy path leading to ruin, which I learned/took/stole from Musashi.