A colleague of mine is defending her dissertation tomorrow and I was invited out for drinks after her (presumptive) successful defense. This person knows I quit drinking recently (today is day 30). I politely said thank you for the invite, but that I was trying to stay on the sober train and that I was avoiding alcohol altogether for at least the time being. She suggested I “could just drink coffee”, as if that was a better solution than just not going to the bar. Again, I politely declined and got a dose of passive agressive silence. Someone back me up here…
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It’s your sobriety and you just defended it, congrats.
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Hey it’s your sobriety, you have to do what you feel is right. If you don’t feel comfortable then you’ve made the right decision.
Can you be there to here her defense then say you polite farewell?
Just a thought, happy medium.
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Nice play on words…I see what you did there. And thank you!
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Yeah I’m going to attend the defense, which I told her, but that I wouldn’t be going to the bar to celebrate. Don’t see anything wrong with that.
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Sounds good to me! At least you’re there for her, then she has to understand that you have to look out for yourself as well.
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And there IS nothing wrong with it. You do not need to defend your choices, especially when it it something like this. I’m sure she’ll come around. Maybe bring her a small gift the next day to congratulate her. She’ll see that the bat is not the only way to celebrate her.
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Don’t think too much of it. People tend to get caught up in themselves. She is giving you the silent treatment not because you wont go drinking but because you wont be there for her own validation.
Good choice by the way, good on you!
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Absolutely you’re doing the right thing. It’s day 30 for you. Early days. You’d be justified if you’d spent the last 30 days holed up in a bunker watching box sets on TV, living off freezer food and accepting no visitors. You’d be justified if you spent the NEXT 30 days the same way.
Out of control addiction can lose you everything. Everything. At the moment sober is more important than anything else as without it you could lose everything else.
I hope this friend can accept and understand your decision. But you know what, if they can’t you’re better off losing a friend than losing your sobriety.
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Since you guys responded, I tagged you here because i have an update on this. The same colleague I mentioned before, who sits at the desk next to me in a larger office area, did something really weird and I don’t know how to interpret it. I guess to motivate herself while she was finishing her writing, she taped a little picture of a platypus on the wall in front of her desk with the saying “stop fucking about and finish the thing”. Not exactly how I motivate myself, but to each his/her own, right? I come into the office today and she has taped it to MY desk. I didn’t ask for that shit…I can motivate myself and I’ve been really fucking good at it since I quit drinking. Do I take this as the actions of a friend, foe, or frienemy?
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Maybe she thinks you can use it as motivation for not drinking? I would say something along the lines to her of. “Aww, I see you left me your motivation picture. Can I ask why you decided to share with me?” And see what she says. I give people the benefit of the doubt but if I am not clear on something, I ask questions. That may help you clear it up!
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Spot on. I’m witnessing this right now with someone who is spiraling and it’s terrible. It’s so important to defend and protect our Sobriety at all costs.
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Reading this, I think about when I (re) married. My best friends all met me post-divorce. We served together in the Marines. We were wild “back in the day”. Drinking and chasing women, and catching more than our share.
So, we’d get together every now and again. None of them had married yet. They wanted to relive the good old days. This inolved drinking, and strip clubs, and dance clubs and bars and women. I would decline.
“I’m married to the love of my life. I’ll meet you at a pub, have a few laughs, and send you on your mission. My hellraiser days are done”
“Aw, comeon brother, you don’t have to talk to the girls. You can just look. You’re married, not dead”
“I hope you meet that someone worth giving up all that “fun” for. I have. I knew it when I met her, and married her straight away.”
So now I’m sober. I’ve found something worth giving up alcohol for. I love my life, and where it’s headed. Those who are still drinking won’t understand what I have, and why I’m “married to sobriety. For better or worse, till death do us part”.
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Damn, this woman IS passive aggressive. I would stop thinking about it as fast as possible because wow that’s something else. If you want you could act oblivious and be like “awww cute picture” and hand it back to her.
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Get one of those big foam “#1” hands. Every time she makes a good point with the examination board, shout “Woooo! In your face!” while waiving the foam hand.
She’ll think you nuts. Then tell her, “if you think that’s crazy, you should see me after one drink”
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Well, honestly, the best way to know what that is all about is to ask her. We can speculate as to her motives and what it means, but we’ll probably be wrong. So, my advice is to simply ask what the meaning is, and if that’s difficult and you choose not to, then you should forget about and keep your side of the street clean.
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I don’t know what to make of this. If I were you I’d stay away from this woman.
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Ok, don’t know what the setup is but is it possible that it fell on the floor and a passerby picked it up and put on yours by mistake.
Otherwise could just be her way of passing on her motivation
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Passive aggressive communication is toxic to a relationship. I would either shoo it into the open, or walk away from it, whatever that entails. Which of those two is better for your scenario, I don’t know.
Edit: If there’s a chance this wasn’t passive aggressive communication, I’d find out before doing anything drastic. If you ask her what she meant by it, you’ll get an answer or you won’t, which will be an answer in itself.
Food for thought: she hasn’t walked away from communication with you, so there’s something she’s looking for from you. Maybe it’s something to feed her ego, or maybe she’s scared she’s losing you and isn’t brave enough to say so.
I’ve been friends with this person for a long time (even did field work on the same project a few years ago), so I have a pretty good idea of her intentions and they are almost always nefarious. She dated several good friends of mine and none of them can stand her. She’s burned bridge after bridge in our department to the point that I’m one of her few friends left in academia. However, I’m of the mind to put toxic shit behind me with this new found clarity in sobriety and just let it go and move on.
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