OK, so this is my first time on here. And I’m gonna talk about something that we all know about Drug dreams. No, I’ve been clean since September 2005. No relapse had many before that but when I got cleaned in 2005 it was the last time, quit smoking. I still have intense drug dreams to this day. I don’t wanna scare people because this is something that may only be happening to a few people this far into recovery who actually are not using drugs. I use drugs in a dream really two things happen when I go to use drugs in a dream and I usually have drug dreams four times out of the week , even if I fall asleep for a nap I could have one. Now what usually happens is, I’ll be looking for drugs and I can’t find something that will allow me to use the Drug like you know anything I’m not gonna put any words on here that would trigger somebody but you know what I’m talking about about. I can’t find some sort of paraphernalia. And then I feverishly search my dream and sometimes I won’t find it and I’ll wake up and I will be triggered and I have to reach into my toolbox and kinda wind down from that now I actually do I do you do something and it’s not fun. I feel like I’m suffocating, literally suffocating and dying and it doesn’t matter what drug I do. They all have the same outcome feeling every time each time it’s awful for somebody early recovery. This could be catastrophic now that your ground before you started using drugs also plays a part and a very big role , in the reason why this is happening if you have more trauma in your life before you started using drugs then you’re gonna have these drug longer than you anticipate like I said I’ve had them for 20 years and I don’t think they’re gonna go anywhere I don’t think during the day I’m thinking about it right now because I’m talking to you guys about it. The more you relapse and by the way, relapse doesn’t mean that you’re using you can be in relapse long before you use so new people be on your toes about that because a lot of people think that a relapse is using, but you can stop a relapse before you use you get what I’m saying? Relapse is getting away from the things that you normally do to maintain a healthy recovery so if you have a big circle, your recovery is the most important thing so it should be in the centre of your circle now when you start pulling out pieces of your recovery from the centre of your circle and putting other things in there you’re spending less time focussed on your recovery And I can lead to catastrophic events. There’s a little thing I go by it’s called hungry angry, lonely tired if you are any one of those things you are in relapse because it’s called halt like nanogram or whatever they call it but it stands for angry, angry, lonely, tired and if you those things you’re in danger You need to learn how to recognize these things and and honest with yourself because who’s the biggest liars that we know ourselves I’ve lied to myself more than I’ve ever lied to anybody else please judges. I have screwed myself over more than anybody has screwed me over and I’ve been screwed over by a lot of people. So if you’re having drug dreams chances are they will go away you know like from having them all the time like I am. I think my situation may be that’s why I’m on here asking if there’s anybody else who’s having this after two decades of not doing drugs so anyways, I had to learn a whole brand new set of tools to do this because it was swearing me down, I didn’t wanna go to sleep. I’m tired. I was very tired. I wasn’t eating because I was stressed out and I was sick almost withdrawal so now I’m relax. I’m in now so I had to do something about it. Relapse before use relapse slip, and then going back to active Slip is like 30 days or less once you go over the 30 day mark you’re back to active again and you are a junkie again unfortunately that’s the bottom line. I think I would even count my time after that if I use for longer than 30 days, that would be it. I’d start over I would be like yeah I did , but I screwed it up and now I’m on here whatever but you can do wrong recovery ways. I’m just throwing some stuff out there so if I can help some people. Now I know newcomers are gonna probably think that quitting drugs is the hardest thing but it’s not quitting drugs is the easiest thing in recovery to do you think I’m you changing who you are that is hard mind you when you’re doing drugs that does seem like the hardest thing in the world it did to me too. I’m not saying that I had times where I was right on the edge right on the edge , you need to stop a relapse before you begin your going out to get your stuff because once you started that it’s hard to put the brakes on. You already have the drugs. It’s hard to not do them before you begin your ritual. You start your ritual chances are not gonna stop , that’s the matter like I said I’ve been drug addicted. My whole life pretty much I quit when I was five so I guess September it’ll be 20 years before I was still doing drugs and I was in and out of Detox Rehab all that good stuff and I had a lot of slips relapses going back to active using. I mean you name it. No one ever gets it on their first chance was too much to learn. I have been Detox once and the person that worked there and I didn’t like this at the time because I don’t think that the person in Detox should ever say that most people don’t get it on the first time because that’s not true 98% people might not get it on the first time but some people do it the first time it’s rare, but it happens and you don’t ever let anybody tell you what you can do with your recovery. Don’t ever let anybody say what this is your first chance of recovery not gonna let you down who cares what person thinks that who cares what people think you need to get rid of all the friends that you use used even during the time of your recovery one of your old friends gets clean as well you still can’t hang out with them because you used together you bought drugs from anything that you associate with drugs unless you were married and you were both on drugs the same time but chances are that would’ve taken care of itself with the divorce because marriages don’t last long actually any kind of relationship with drugs doesn’t last long. And on that note in your recovery you should not be dating anyone you should only be focussed on recovery and that is all and there’s a reason for it that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a little alone time but I’m saying get a girlfriend or a boyfriend and this is why when you quit doing drugs your whole life when you quit you have a big hole in your life that needs filling so it’s easy to go out and get a girlfriend or boyfriend and fill that void with it but the freaking problem with that is you don’t love yourself yet. Your self-esteem is on the floor. If you’re being honest with yourself self-confidence on the floor the drugs are coming out of your system, you’re emotions are all over the right someone can spell a glass of milk and you have a meltdown like I know I understand it I know, your recovery make sure you get a social worker on addiction counsellor a sponsor from NA all of the above and if somebody knew coming out of Detox, you have a 33% chance of staying clean past if you go to the daily detox not the day after not the next week that day and then you’re supposed to go to meetings in 90 days for life and your first year should only be recovery not work not school recovery recovery recovery and then you start making yourself your first small girl should be gonna get through this day without doing drugs say it to yourself I’m gonna get through this day without doing drugs and if you do that have successfully reached your goal and that’s a great thing. It may be a minor role but you gotta keep your balls grounded. You’re not gonna get everything back in stock. You’ve hurt too many people I always say is a very easy thing to demolish , but it’s extremely hard for some of you and myself included. You won’t get everybody back and that’s just the way it is and that’s why working this fall steps is extremely important. Why not dating in the first year is extremely important because you wanna fill that void with stuff that you like to find new friends find new stuff that you like to do because you’re not gonna be the same person OK you’re gonna feel like you’re somebody else , you’re gonna be like OK I don’t like doing this anymore because that was The old you the new you needs new things because the old way didn’t work or you wouldn’t be on here reading this if the old way worked we wouldn’t be on here. She have to find a new way and the first year recovery is the best time to do it because you need to be filling your head with as much recovery knowledge as possible now don’t get me wrong, you decide which stuff you wanna keep and putting in your toolbox and what stuff you want just discard because not everything works for everybody. That’s why it’s good to talk to lots of people Who has been there before like at NA. But don’t ever close yourself off to people like social workers people who’ve never really been addicted and chances are they’ve been addicted to something too like cigarettes or caffeine right so they have a rudimentary understanding of what addiction is, but the biggest thing you’ll get from who only know booksmart and they don’t know anything about addiction really at all, except for what they were taught They know how to live life the people that give you lots of recovery advice and you might find the odd one there that has their stuff together, but I find that for life advice I like to go to somebody who’s been living life a lot longer than I have now When I said I was 44 yeah I am but psychologically. I’m pretty much still 25 because you know my stinted by drugs. Plus me, my parents went through a divorce. My dad was smoking hash with me when I was eight years old, giving me bruises when I was eight years old sending me back home to my mothers like that because that was the only way that she could hurt me he could hurt her because she didn’t want nothing to do with him, but she loves me so my dad hurt me to hurt her and screwed me up when you give drugs to children developing brain and I’m talking up until the age of 21 in the United States. They don’t allow people to drink until 21 because their brain has fully developed at 19 your brain isn’t developed yet and it definitely is not developed at the age of eight! So my dad is a dirt ball but I forgive him. I never called him to tell him I forgive him but I forgive him for him for me Thing forgiveness I wanna talk to you guys about that because this is a tough one too. Forgiveness is hard. OK asking for forgiveness is not easy. Why you need to work the steps with the sponsor sometimes when you go to ask for forgiveness from the people that you’ve harmed, they may not want to give it to you and you need to be able to handle that. And it’s OK if they don’t wanna forgive you that’s fine. It’s OK. You had the nerve to go and ask for forgiveness right not to give it to you but I find that usually if you go with a heartfelt apology and I mean you need to humble yourself as the thing that you did, you’ll have to do it. Your way is one of the most challenging steps to do not gonna lie. It’s a tough one it is but it’s necessary because it teaches you about forgiveness. It teaches you about how to react when you receive forgiveness you get a second chance. How great that is and you also have to learn that it may not always go well and there may be some places where you just shouldn’t go at all because you did something so horrendous to that person that they would never forgive you and I’m not gonna say anything you no, what these kind of things are the things that cut deep but you still can if you want to go and ask that person for forgiveness I find it to go with your sponsor in case you get attacked by the person like I said the person you’re going to see might not want to see you so you have to take a moral inventory and only go to the ones you know you haven’t fun the bridge completely. As far as other people who have harmed you I’m not gonna tell you forget about it. I was abused by my father physically and mentally and I hate when someone of my family tells me I should be over by now you don’t ever really get over it live with it and that’s all. You can still forgive them and you don’t need to call them up on the phone and be like hey I forgive you. He just forgives them in your heart and you’re not doing it for them. You’re doing it for you so you can release that from your shoulders, let the hate out of your heart. 
next thing I wanna talk to you guys about his guilt guilt will wear you down in the beginning, especially in the beginning when your emotions are all over the place you’re gonna feel a lot of guilt not gonna lie to you. That’s what’s gonna happen. A lot of guilt you’re gonna feel because before that you were suppressing all your feelings with drugs but now you don’t have drugs so you have to deal with your feelings but unfortunately we haven’t been for a long time lol but I know it’s not gonna happen easily. I get that I’m not gonna tell you guys to just let go of it because that’s not really something that you can do you have to work through it, but don’t something that will cause trouble in your recovery so enclosing the best thing I found for my recovery. This is what works for me aside from. My intense drug dreams that I should not be having anymore and I don’t wanna scare people because this is not normal to have really bad drug dreams still said what works for me is I usually get up in the morning at the same time I work getting a job. It’s important but not in the first year recovery but you shouldn’t be sitting at home doing nothing in your first year recovery because the old us go back to drugs, I promise you that if you sit at home and change, nothing nothing will change and you’ll be back on drugs probably I don’t know. I was never able to White knuckle it for longer than 30 days so you need to not be sitting on your rear end yet social worker all the things I said you should do meetings going to see social workers making sure you’re not doing drugs making sure you’re not hanging around with people who are doing drugs, making sure you’re not hanging around with people who aren’t doing drugs, but you did drugs with in the past, you can’t hang around with anyone you used drugs with in the past that is a set up for failure. I’ll tell you a little thing you know if you’re sitting in the barbershop long enough you will get a haircut and there’s no floor for addiction you know once you’re. A pickle you can’t go back and be a cucumber again. Today is a couple little funny Tbits. You can say to your peoples anyways if anybody has any questions if anybody is in extreme need of help, get a hold of your closest treatment centre the average craving even in recovery last 20 minutes, so just call Detox or call the nursing hotline or call anybody and talk to them just for 20 minutes and chances are that will have gone by having a craving is not an excuse these drugs just like my drug dreams which caused me to be triggered every morning or no excuse for me to go out and do drugs there’s no excuse to do that. Nobody could ever explain to me even if they did it 1 million different ways that many old drug addicts that you know old ones I’m not talking about who they were talking about when they were in the late teens and early 20s those ones don’t live to the old. My grandfather lived to be 95 years old. I already have more dead friends than he did and I’m 44. I had more dead friends at 25 than he did and he was still alive then, but still he was like I don’t know something I don’t know I can’t remember anyways. I go when I see my friends and it’s not fun. You know friends dying when they’re so young and I’m so lucky and if you’re reading this, so are you you may not think it right now you may not feel lucky but you are lucky to be alive most people, live through addiction if they live to get clean just for reality of being clean for a little while and then being dirty for a little while what kind of life is that? After your first year recovery, you can begin to do some other things because now if you have been doing your first year recovery the proper way in the proper way is your way unless your way is just sitting at home doing nothing to change yourself. That’s the wrong way, but you’ve been doing things you’re doing well going to the gym you’re doing this you’re doing that you’re doing whatever you know you got new friends so now you might want to venture out and get a girlfriend or a job or if you think you’re ready you need to take more inventory of yourself Because if you wanna go out and get a girlfriend or boyfriend who never done drugs before because really that’s what you wanna aim for someone who can keep you grounded. Keep you in the right now and that’s gonna be a special person and you know we’re getting married soon , she keeps me grounded and keeps me in the present. Let me get too much into myself because that is bad for me. She helps me a lot that kind of thing. She’s a very wonderful woman and she’s awesome. My love her right and we’ve been together for a long time now, but I never went out and saw a girlfriend until I was clean for five years . I had a sponsor and he told me he said you can have as much sex as you want and your first year in recovery and then after that, you can do it somewhere else lol. I had an awesome sponsor. He would be like you want to go to the meeting and I’d be like no no when you don’t wanna go to a meeting that is the time when you should go to a meeting when you want to when you don’t want to if you have a good Sponsor at the door and ready to drag you sponsor I had. And even if you don’t get what’s going on all at first, you will. Also, don’t ever go home with anybody from Detox or from Rehab because you think you have the same problems and you can help each other. Trust me that will blow up your chances are you won’t even make it home. You’ll just go right to the supplier. I don’t know if you guys have made that mistake, but I have definitely made that mistake twice because I’m an addict Addict can only make a mistake. Just we have to touch that burner twice many many more times. Anyways, I hope that you guys all find sobriety and enclosing I will recite the sobriety prayer and obviously I am not someone who praise to God I am I pray to Lucifer for the pup the serenity prayer. I will say it verbatim. God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage, the change, the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Memorize this prayer, extremely important one and you can take the word out and put it in whatever you pray to if it’s nature, if it’s Lucifer, it doesn’t matter, the serenity if you’re an atheist or something like that, I want clothes with the serenity prayer the way it actually is put on paper but you can make little differences to it fit your recovery. I’m not sure if you can get a hold of people on here to ask questions to just talk you through something if there is drop it in my mailbox on here and I’ll check back regularly and if you need a nice calming word or just a nice chat or Anything man and you know it’s is what it is male female. I don’t care it’s I want people to be clean. Everybody deserves happiness even if people tell you you don’t deserve it. You deserve it. OK you deserve it. You deserve it. Everybody who read this everybody who doesn’t read it , I say that you’re worth it and you deserve it, but you have to fight for it and you have to fight harder and stronger and faster than you’ve ever thought in your life but you can do it. I know you can do it and if there is a messaging thing on here that you can drop a message by all means go ahead and do that