Drunk FB/social media might have just destroyed my relationship

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So…I was on here a couple years ago when I first started thinking that I’d had enough. Enough problems caused by drinking…ruined friendships, embarassing hazy memories, entire nights blacked out, dangerous drunk driving scenarios, headaches, drunk facebook/texts regrets… Enough bullshit. I got to like 60 days. I don’t even know what happened…I guess I’ve never really been able to stick to anything.

But back again now.
Because I think I might have just ruined my relationship with my bf beyond repair. And no, its not a “rock” bottom, but its certainly a bottom…hopefully enough of one to make me stick it out a little longer this time. And take the time to try to repair myself, single or not…
So, I have a private online journal. I only write on it sporadically when I’m drunk and feeling depressed and sorry for myself. I wrote in it yesterday about how I drunkenly messaged my 2 ex’s recently. One of which was last week. And asked him to meet up for sex…first of all, I would never have gone through with that. I’ve never cheated , I don’t think I could live with feeling even shittier about myself than I already do… I have no interest in him. I would never have even met up with him or anyone else or put myself into any social situation whatsoever where cheating would be possible if drunk/horny me takes over…I’m a home alone drinker. And the shit I write has mostly just been me drunk and depressed and complaining about my drinking problem and my boyfriend… &mostly the fact that we’ve never had sex. He has a smaller dick and it just doesn’t work like that. Or at least he just doesn’t have any interest in making it work. I’ve told him we need to work on the sexual part of our relationship but nothing changes… I really love him, I could see myself being with him indefinitely, we’ve talked about marriage, we take care of each other and we’re perfectly compatible… Except the no sex thing. And it might seem like I’m a total bitch for feeling that way, but sex is pretty important. When we got together there was this weird kinky d/s bdsm kinda dynamic and everything was great, made me O a bunch everyday…but now its boring and sexless… So I don’t think my feelings about it are disregardable or hurtful…they’re just honest. I want to live my life with this person who I love immensely, but honestly, I’m like 30, I’ve only had sex with 2 people, both 5 yr relationships…I don’t really like the idea of never getting it on again.
And the thing is, I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this, besides him obviously. But he doesn’t want to talk about it. And I only have the courage to talk about it with him when I’m drunk. The last thing I wanted to ever do was hurt his feelings. That’s why I kept it hidden…
So…the situation with drunk FBing the ex happened last week…when I messaged him I wasnt just like buzzed drunk…I was almost to the point of no return. I blacked out (which has been happening more and more, another reason I need to stop) and don’t really remember the conversation at all and then proceeded to wake up my sweetly sleeping bf and tell him I was going to cheat on him and had all these other guys I was seeing, etc… Woke up, my heart sank, i didn’t remember but had a terrible feeling I fucked up immensely…so my bf kept his cool, he kinda confronted me about it, then caught me in a lie when I denied it because he told me I guess I showed him these messages apparently…so I manipulated and played it down that, yeah I was drunk and an ex messaged me (not the other way around) and I was wasted and was absolutely not cheating on him…
So that was last week, we moved past it…My bf has been gone all week on business, just got back tonight…so what does he see on the computer tonight but my open journal that I guess I never signed out of…that I wrote in yesterday before waking up hungover to pick him up in a hurry from the airport…and I’ve never seen the man cry or raise his voice really, but he read some of the “truer version” stuff I wrote about that, and him, and other entries where I was complaining about us…and he kept switching between breakdown bawling and going ballistic on me. He’s pretty convinced I cheated on him and have been and that I’m a liar and I’m an evil bitch and how can he ever trust me…etc…idk maybe I am an evil bitch…but really, in my defense,…if I wasnt fuckin drunk that day this wouldn’t have happened…and That’s my personal “drunk diary” I guess…everyone has thoughts they wouldn’t tell another person…but DRUNK-ME doesn’t have a problem telling HERself in a “private/pw protected” setting so she can review it later and compare… He wanted to read the whole thing with me sentence by sentence for the past few years, I said no, which I felt like he meant our whole relationship going forward depended on my saying ok…but that was private inner mostly exclusively drunken ramblings…monstrous and irrational…no…I was not going to do that even if it meant the end of us. I just can’t…if I was a sober person or able to not drink to the point of all logic going out the window…then this wouldn’t have happened.

Ive since permanently deleted facebook, phone numbers, and my 10yrold journal…

So that’s kinda the long story main reason of why I’m back here and why I want to try again. Cuz really alcohol has never made anything better ever, only worse. I just can’t seem to remember that.

I have no idea what will happen. I know he will want to make it work, after a couple hours of yelling and crying we agreed to talk in the morning. I just don’t know how to go forward…

“Hi, I’m Danielle and alcohol is (I am) ruining my life”

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Girl, you (as any of us alcoholics) are trying to fill up the voids from your life with alcohol. Try to read about Minesotta program, go to an A.A.meeting and try to get the therapeutic help in order to discover yourself. I find myself a little bit in what you wrote…and for me accepting a sexless life with my husband was not due to love…what i first thought it was but because of emotional addiction. Everything is starting from you, even the shitty things you may do when you are drunk, are already there inside you…the alcohol, by distorting your judgment, just helps you put it out more easily. The anger, frustration, fear, gelousy, pride, need of validation…are all there and after you will quit drinking you should work on those in order to be able to stay away from alcohol and find serenity.

All the best!

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First…thank you for replying. I read on another new “your story” this is kinda like a diary that replies…I like that idea a lot so thanx…
Yeah…I’ve done the therapy thing. I am emo-codependent through and through. Absolutely. I don’t know myself at all. I’ve been part of an “other” being in LTRs since I was 17, I have no idea who I actually am…I know and recognize that. I just don’t know. It would be just be so easy to just not put up with anything at all ever again. VS like putting all this work and effort into something that statistically probably won’t even happen.

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I dib’t know if you have this feelings but i used to feel like nobody understands me, like i’m not fit into this world, like the way i was feeling and seeing the world it’s deep and the people around me are just superficial and don’t get the real essence of the human being for example. I used to feel diffrent and the alcohol was a good companion that understood me…I searched for help only when i hit the rock bottom, when i realized i put my life in danger and when i started to be affraid of a mental illness ( like dementia). What i found…people just like me, that used to feel in the same way like i did, with similar experiences, people full of hope. Better, i found myself…and this is not an easy path, at 6,5 months since i stopped drinking i still discover new things about me, i still annalyze myself, my emotions, my choices…and discovering i’m a complex and interesting person (to put out the positive part ;)) It is a beautiful journey and for this i’m kind of happy i’m an alcoholic, otherwise i wouldn’t get here. Take it easy and search for help, alone it’s impossible. The first step would be to join an AA meeting, see how you feel, read about your condition (alcoholism it’s a disease), try to find your Higher Power ( Universe, God, nature…whatever you feel) and get connected to it. Now i know, a lot of pressure (you put) on yourself, chaotic thoughts, remorses, shame, fear, anger…i’ve been there. Just let it all, clear your mind and do something nice for you (get a coffee outside, a walk in a park, etc), breathe deeply and relax. Think about the rest after you calm down and be aware that there are solutions and you are not alone. Sending you a big hug :wink:

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Today is the best day to start. Get to some meetings. 90 in 90 days if you can. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. One little step at a time!

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I’ve never been a big drinker, I guess growing up with 2 alcoholic parents taught me what not to do but in reading this story I have to say that your cost is too great to pay and I don’t know how to get you to realize that.
I will also say that each and every one of us will take shit to the grave meaning there are things we simply won’t say to other people…maybe it’s fear of being judged or being felt sorry for or whatever. I don’t care how close of a friend you are I might not tell you everything…this is simple human nature. Reading that you deleted your journal of the last 10 years kind of made me sad. Cuz that’s the shit you need to go to when you have the urge to go drinking again…that hour so is your cost…it’s there to help you remember all the shit you did while drinking.
I also think though that somewhere in your current relationship you aren’t happy and that is what causes you to reach out to exes. Exes are comfortable territory they know you and you know them but I can’t help but think there is an unconcious you are reaching out and I think by you drinking it’s blocking you from figuring it out.

I hope things get better for you.

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I also found that when I would did things drunk like reach out to exes it wasn’t necessarily because I wanted to be with them… I didn’t… Or that I wasn’t happy with my relationship …my relationship was perfect. I found that I was unhappy with myself. I didn’t believe I was worthy of being treated well and of really being loved. I didn’t feel like I deserved my partner so surely I need to fuck it u. By reaching out to exes I was just being self destructive.

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Sounds like you are already aware that alcohol is the symptom.

Find an AA meeting. Go as much as you can 2-3 times a day if possible. Seriously… even if you don’t feel it day 1. Keep going, fake it till you make it!!

That’s what I did, and it worked. Only took about 6 meetings in three days for me to take my last drink. And by day 20, I had read the big books, and knew those guys were always trying to go to the hospitals. So I started to volunteer when my home group sent speakers to the rehab hospital on thursdays.

Sometime around 35 days a guy from the hospital showed up and told the group he had listen to visiting group’s all week and hated it.
But when Michael, Dominique and Chris showed up, he changed his mind and decided to check out the group.

For me the key to this thing is being honest and open about it. Available to answer questions, make suggestions by sharing my own experience.
Spreading the message of hope. That there is a solution!! A freedom from this ugliness.

Find a meeting, the promises are waiting for you!!

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The hardest part of the deal is being honest with yourself. I meant no disrespect so I hope you didn’t take it that way.

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It’s very hard to deal with a sexless relationship. It’s very hard to talk about as a woman because everyone thinks that all men want sex. If your man doesn’t want it then everyone assumes it must be something wrong with us. You might find some support here: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/. You will see that your situation is not uncommon. Half of the posters are women.

As you said you don’t want to do something that isn’t compatible with your morals. When drunk you are acting out to try to get attention and to get your needs met but you are not going about it in a good way. As @BlackdogWhitedog put it the drinking is stopping you from dealing with it.

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Definitely not! And sorry I just realized I responded directly to you instead of the original thread.

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Update…I’ve not really done anything to change anything. I was all about being sober, for awhile. I think I actually need to do it 100%…but I think I also need to absolutely break it off. I don’t know how to do that.

There is so much fucked up BS about this…from the fact that I’ve never been in a sober relationship. The fact that I’m turning 30 this month and I have a great career/income, but a sexless relationship/no friends. I’m pretty attractive but I dont know how to relate to new people outside of attraction/romance/sexuality…Idk what to do…keep it up and hope maybe one day we can talk it out. Or break it off and throw everything up in the air and leave it to fate.
I’m kind of (especially) fucked up now…cuz…I messaged this lady I used to work with, she just came back to work at our facility, she’s weird and people make fun of her personality…I like her. Plus she used to be my future mother-in-law. Plus she’s in the program for the past however long years…ever since she was a teen/addict and fucked up my ex (the only love of my life…too dysfunctional).
Plus i messaged her randomly after she left work the last time, supposedly for good; only to be coming back a year later.
I want to avoid the fact I ever asked her about meetings and staying sober. Different shifts but I’m terrified of having to have a conversation now. I want to just wipe it away.

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Ive always found people to tell alotta truth when drunk on the “truth serum” … i think you may be in alil denial and do get these thoughts. although u say u wont act on them sober. Alot of how aclcoholics feel normally.comes out when thier drunk wiether it hurts someone or not… you definetly dug yourself a grave because no one ever wants to hear they talk to thier ex still…

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The Programs are Anonymous for just this reason. If she is in the program she would not judge you. And she most likely would not say anything to anyone at work because that would also expose her, ya know.

Try talking to her. Ask her If she is uncomfortable with it then could she point you toward a person you could talk to. Or a meeting to go to.

It’s what we do man. If she is like most in the program then she has a sense of duty to help people still suffering. We pass on the expirience, strength and hope that was so freely given to us. It’s just how it works.

I get it too. As alcoholics we cook up all these fears in our heads. Most of those fears are just in our heads. It couldn’t hurt to have a chat with her😉

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