Hi my sober fam, just needing to vent because I honestly feel like I am going crazy. I know a while ago I was on here with a dilemna I had with me being sober and being in a relationship with someone who isnt. Well here I am. Let me start by saying I stopped drinking Jul 9th 2021 because alcohol got me at my lowest point during covid so I made the conscious decision to stop for only 30 days to give my body a little break blah blah and Here I am 12 days from now will be the big ONE year. Now my issue is that I am in a relationship of 6 years. I am sober and he is not. At first I didnt let it bother me because once upon a time that was my drinking partner and we use to just vibe together. I now realize that he is a completely different person with alcohol consumption but then again is he all the sudden different or was I always just drinking with him and things just didnt bother me? Long story short he says things that is hurtful and I have a pretty bad past when I was subject to that with my ex husband and I feel like this is opening up old wounds. I have many friends that drinks but never experience these kinds of behaviors. I personally do not have an issue with people drinking but I do have an issue when alcohol takes over and someone turns like a complete jackass. SO here I am. I have accomplished so much sober. I am doing so good mentally yet I have occasions where my partner would drink and sometimes he’s on a good one and he’s in a great mood, and other times any little thing I say that doesnt sit well would start the biggest fight (i.e., last night) Last night was literally the worst day of my life in 6 yrs. I feel so stupid to be honest. We had date night and stopped at the store to get an energy drink and I asked him if he needed anything so he said a double shot of Jack Daniels. Remind you we have been doing very well no issues and its date night so I said fuck it why not right we’re having a good time things cant possible go wrong. They didnt have a double shot so I got a him a half pint, (mistake #1) so he took his shots whatever and night was going great. Honestly I dont even know what happened but something so minor turned into this big nasty argument all for nothing. I am mad because it really wasnt that serious to get escalated the way it did and I know it was because the alcohol kicked in and he was a complete asshole. I feel stuck in a way. I thought my alcohol free journey would inspire him also. He knows he has a problem because he tells me everytimes that he needs help yet we always go back to square 1. I feel like its a toxic cycle and I am losing my mind. The drunk vs the sober dilemna is real and its def a struggle. I am wondering if alcohol was the glue to our relationship, now that I have been sober I just see life differently. Yesterday I almost did something stupid I contemplated buying a bottle to just numb my emotions because our fight was pretty bad to the point I pushed him because he got in my face something I would never ever do, and first time ever he ever got in my face in 6 yrs so I panicked and I just lost it. I could have been the bigger person but he was drinking I had no clue what to think and we have never been in a situation like that before. I felt embarrased and crappy and just wanted to drink. I reached out to a girlfriend that I met on this forum to vent and thought how lucky I am to have great sober people in my life that I can reach out to when I am down. I thought twice and I didnt drink thank God but I am not going to lie the thought did cross my mind. So I am very receptive and appreciate any advice at the moment. I know better and I know I cannot make him stop drinking. It seems like he wants me to stay by his side so I dont leave and still wants to drink lol and I am at the point where I know that wont work. SOS
For myself, I had several co dependent relationships. But only in hindsight did I see this. When you are in it it just feels normal, like you and that person have fun. I haven’t had a co dependent relationship then got sober. But I do know that it is hard!! Sometimes friends or partners feel like you might think you are better than them, or judge them. But it’s all in their head. I know when I was trying to quit and relapsing over and over (mind you, nobody knew how bad things were) I did the same thing, responded with lies or defensive responses. If he wants to get help, you are a great resource for support. If it’s like this now, it’s not going to get better, only worse. Not even trying to be negative. If sobriety is really important to you, focus on it as a priority!! It’s not your drinking that is now ultimately affecting the relationship, it’s his. You should have an open conversation and keep cool and focused, see how he responds. It could go well and it could clarify he needs support. Alcoholics can respond in so many unpredictable ways it’s up to you to recognize a problem and offer support. Not aggressively, but compassionately. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make 'em drink it. Sorry no pun intended
When I got sober, my husband who’s also an alcoholic didn’t. My life was hell and I swore on my 1 year soberversary I was going to give him an ultimatum. He was verbally abusive to me and our daughter on a daily basis. That year came and I couldn’t do it. It was probably due to my codependency issues but I said it was because he had a disease (the same one I do…alcoholism). I attend AA and I was able to convince him to go with me to a friend’s celebration meeting. He liked it but still wasn’t ready to give up drinking. It took his health failing to finally convince him to get sober. That was almost 2 years into my sobriety. He’s been sober a year now and our marriage is completely transformed.
Only you can decide when enough is enough. In the meantime, keep living by example and make sobriety your top priority. Wishing you the best!
We repeat patterns in our relationships as adults, often the foundation is set in our childhood… It sounds odd but we can end up attracted to certain personalities because they remind us of the familiar from childhood, that familiarity is not necessarily healthy… For example you may find someone boring if they are loving and kind but someone else may seem interesting and exciting however deep down it’s because they have some of the traits of an invalidating mother from childhood.
Once you realise this it gives you power to address it, look for patterns in personalities from your previous relationships. If there is name calling, belittling, physical violence, gas lighting, then my advice is give yourself a fresh start, you don’t need that in your life.
Thank you Dylan I appreciate the honest feedback. I just feel like it’s a cycle been down this road before a few times. We have the big talk blah blah. He admits he has a problem apologies and what not, goes days not drinking then every so often we’re back to the same thing. At this point talk is cheap I just feel numb like fuck it but I’m still here because I know he needs help. You’re right you can’t force anything on someone but it’s like damn you see its causing problems yet you’re not getting help. When I stopped drinking it was hard because I fear I would be boring lol but turns out I’m just as goofy crazy fun person sober or drunk lol. I was never an angry drunk just in lala land I guess. I feel like he thinks having a great time has to be drinking. I remember around easter I challenged him during lent to go alcohol free for 40 days. He did it with no problem I’m sure he didn’t want to but he accepted the challenge. Best 40 days in our relationship. Of course we have our natural bicker that’s life but none of that drunk shit arguing. Day 41 boom got shots and that night was a disaster. So I know this thing is going to destroy us it’s just a matter of time and it’s unfortunate. You think I got sober got my life back on track got back to my fitness etc just literally living life. One would think that’s Inspiring to get on board but nope. I guess I know the truth it’s just hard accepting it 
Thank you, absolutely agree. I’m a pretty laid back person and energy driven I just can’t tolerate Insults or verbal abuse regardless iof it’s origin. I feel like all these red flag I avoided 6 yrs ago was my 1st mistake.
Thank you Lisa. Its definitely challenging. I have self control honestly I wouldn’t mind the casual drinking like normal people who drinks casually and have a great time. I understand my journey is my journey. I also would love having a partner who partakes in the same activities or be Inspired you know. He’s a great guy with an alcohol problem. He doesn’t drink on weekdays just weekends so I don’t even know what to call that…weekend alcoholic? But when he starts drinking he doesn’t seem to want to stop. If the mood is good then we’re good. In the midst of it if I’m annoyed then it’s a wrap then everything goes downhill. I just don’t know which person I’m gonna get and that’s hard. When I tell him I’m leaving he tells me wow you’re gonna leave me because I have a problem? And that’s pure manipulation. When I hit Rock bottom before I got sober yes he was there for me when I didn’t even know what Dat it was. I appreciate him being my side during my hostile days. HOWEVER…I noticed what it was doing so I decided one day to pause drinking for a bit I did a 30 Dat Alcohol free experiment to start with he would always ask did you quit forever and honestly till this day I can’t even answer that. I know it stole alot from me and I needed to walk away. And I’m 11.5 months sober as of now. I honestly don’t know what to do. Like I said I’ve never had this issue until I became sober and now I am really looking at the overall picture
At some point after I stopped drinking I looked around my apartment and realized how broken down and crappy everything in it looked. I had not been able to see it when I was drinking. I feel like I needed time for the alcohol to wash out of my system and vision and mind before I was able to see things as they really were.
You’ve grown during sobriety. You are beginning to see your world as it is not washed in alcohol.
For me alcohol blurred the edges and muted the negative consequences of the things I did while drunk. Alcohol helped keep me loyal to it that way.
Some relationships do not survive sobriety. For me it was good to be able to identify what were good and meaningful friendships in my life and what were alcohol fueled relationships. There was a big difference. My relationships that survived my sobriety were with people who respected my journey and did not pressure me to keep drinking and with people who were not themselves dependent on alcohol.
In order for me to get sober and stay sober I needed a hard change in how I socialized and with whom I socialized otherwise I would still be at the bar.
At seven years and ten months sober, I do not put my sobriety at risk and I don’t test it. It is too valuable to me to risk losing it.
When you go swimming and hold onto someone who is drowning, you risk drowning with them.
When I read your posts in this thread I think you realize how dangerous and damaging parts of your current relationship are for you right now. I don’t doubt that you love your partner and that they love you. Alcohol is a nasty force that is, at least for me, not something I could navigate or control and it takes everything in its path.
I hope that you won’t try to start drinking again to make your relationship “easier”.
You wrote:
For me and for many of us who have successfully stopped drinking, moderation is one of the most dangerous lies out there. Most of the relapses I read about on this site began with the idea that now that they had managed some time being sober, they would be able to “drink normally”. It does not work that way.
Change and growth are good even though it’s uncomfortable.
I hope you are able to find some clarity and peace,
This is borderline abusive relationship IMO. How many stories do we hear of men and women going through physically or emotional abuse only to come back after an apology or the “it won’t happen again” talk?
You’re absolutely right, talk is cheap! An apology is merely words. A genuine apology is actions showing you mean it. After a while it’s the boy who cried wolf. In AA I’ve learned so much about selfish, self serving behavior, the lies and manipulative behavior of addicts. You have set a precedent for forgiveness and he will exploit that until you can’t take it anymore. I wish you the best of luck. Please don’t lose sight of the progress you have made 
. Sometimes when people continue to grow and evolve people you love don’t. Only you know what the right thing to do is.
From my own old experiences, it is best to talk with a partner when we are both clear headed, sober, not hungover and relaxed…otherwise, things can spiral quickly…especially if we are in a verbally or physically abusive situation. You likely know this, but just wanted to support you in talking with him…when you are both in a good space.
I also wholeheartedly agree with everything @Alliecat said…especially about putting yourself first, caring for your sobriety and not drinking to avoid the reality of the tough situation you are in.
My husband does still drink, but he is never a nasty drunk or picking fights. He is very aware of his drinking and what he does with that…well, that is up to him. I certainly wish he would stop, I lead by example (which he is a big cheerleader for me)…but yeah, it is hard sometimes.
Only you know the truth of your relationship and whether he can be the partner you need and deserve. I know I was not for my husband for many years.
It is hard leaving a relationship, but it is also hard leaving parts of ourselves on the floor in a relationship that is stunted or stuck. 
My heart goes out to you for sure.
Please don’t give up and give in and drink. Life really does continue to get better in our heads and hearts the longer we are sober.
Sending many hugs your way.
I appreciate your honest feedback. Regarding me saying I have self control and can handle the casual drinking was not referring to myself.
I was referring to those around me like friends my partner etc. I have been around alcohol since day 1 of my sobriety it was pretty awful seeing it and not touching it but I stayed sober now honestly it really doesn’t affect me. I meant that maybe if he drank casually I would care as much but it’s the not case. He over does it then drama starts. I have come along way in my sobriety. My mind is clear in ways I didn’t think was possible. I was so blind when I was drinking I failed to see so much. Now I worry about my relationship which I never worried about it before. I see where he is headed. I thought I was so strong and I would never have a drinking problem myself until I got sucked in. I just hope he realizes how much chaos him being drunk is causing and I’m hoping he makes the conscious choice to stop like I did. Wishful thinking. I just know this cannot be the end of my story. Life is too beautiful and I don’t want to spend my days fighting a drunk person every weekend. Maybe I have to face the hard truth it’s either alcohol or me and that’s the scary part.
Thank you Dylan. That was deep and I’m taking it all in because I’m here for positive honest advice so thank you for your opinion and advice. My biggest fear of becoming sober was exactly this. Me evolving and him not. Anyone who knows me would tell you I’m a completely different woman. My mindset is so different now that I’m not sucked in alcohol. I went back to fitness, signed up to compete in body building. I’m currently working on my fitness and nutrition certification through ACE. Trying to go back to school for my PHD next year. Like you name I’m all over it. I feel like he’s stuck in this rut of complacency in life and it’s just an ugly cycle. I have so much to really think about. Sometimes you gotta make those tough decisions in life. I just wish we were on the same journey.
That kind you. Sounds like when your hubby drink it’s not bad. If I was in thar situation I wouldn’t mind. I have many friends that drink that acts normal and civilized and I have no issues. I realize when he’s around his cousin and drinking it’s a different energy like he’s just enjoying himself never go off the ramp in any heated argument. With me he feels like he has to be on egg shells and the whole thing just gets bad. I had a heart to heart yesterday and he admits he needs help but it’s not the 1st time I heard that. I’m just over the talking. I need to see actions. I don’t have a desire to drink I thought about it wondering if I can ever have a glass of wine and moderation again before it became a problem. I thought hard but got scared that I would lose control. I dunno it’s just not in my plans as of now and hopefully not ever. I do enjoy my sobriety I’m a better person sober and I don’t want to risk that for anyone
This is very wise!! Take care of yourself for sure.
One more comment 
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I was with my ex wife for 7 years, plans for kids etc… We did not get divorced because I drank. But, in hindsight drinking caused problems with the relationship. I think back in times I wasn’t present, not physically but mentally and spiritually. Alcohol blurred the sharp edges of seemingly small problems that turned to actual problems. Wasted days fighting a hangover, not wanting to go to brunch because it was a huge day drinking session, and becoming just complacent. She had an undiagnosed mental health issue that actually was triggered because she was smoking weed all the time! When we got through it after several months she stopped smoking and for the most part quit drinking. As time went on a kept drinking and it changed a lot of things. Like I mentioned, it wasn’t the reason but it was a huge contributing factor. We just got into a routine and that included me drinking and not being 100% my authentic self. Of course she has her own set of issues I won’t mention but we definitely have to look at ourselves and realize our role in a conflict. Some people learn with hardship and loss, it’s unfortunate but that’s how it can be. If he loses you because he is unwilling to change then you just keep moving, keep growing. You are doing absolutely awesome and your responses show incredible fortitude and desire to live the life you deserve. The world is full of so many possibilities when you are free of alcohol. If you have Instagram there is a great page called sober celebrities that has some great stuff. Random recommendation but I really like it
Thank you so much for all the advice. I do have IG and I’m going to check it out. I agree with you, life without alcohol is a life worth living and embracing and I plan on doing just that. We all have choices and I’m choosing sobriety. If he doesn’t want to change for him then sometimes we just have to keep moving forward. I’m counting the days for my big one year. Jul 9 will be a very special day for me. I appreciate all the honesty again thank you