I’m newly sober, got 27 days today. I’m experiencing holidays without drinking anything for the first time since my stint in rehab when I was 21, back in 2002. Strangely, it hasn’t been even remotely difficult. My daughter left almost a year ago when I was deep into my addiction. She left to escape me and the nightmare that I had created. I was drinking a half gallon of vodka every 3-4 days, as well as a few cider beers. I ended up losing not only her, but pretty much everything. Skipping ahead to New Year’s Day… I was feeling great. I spent the holiday watching reruns with my dogs and my good friend Dr. Pepper. I got a somewhat concerning message from my 14 year old daughter asking if I’d ever had a Yeager Bomb. Red flag. When she called yesterday she told me the story behind it. Her family fed her and her 16 year old sister alcohol. It wasn’t just one drink, not even just two. It sounds like they had 6-8 drinks. It wasn’t the first time they allowed this. She had a drink for her “mom’s” birthday, but said she didn’t like it. This time she had 6 drinks before she “felt it” and as she’s telling me all this alarms are going off left and right in my head. She’s never been drunk. Her and her sister started play fighting while the adults gathered around recording it with their cell phones and cheering them on. The older sister got a bliody nose and started crying. My daughter lost a new earring and locked herself in the bathroom, sobbing. Then the two of them both end up hanging out in the bath tub the rest of the night. Played in the water, both got soaked. The story goes on and on. I’m mortified. She’s only 14. I get sober and have a substance free evening, meanwhile in Oklahoma my beautiful, sweet teenage daughter got hammered. I feel like a failure all over again. It’s my fault she’s there. Now I am worried she’s going to end up just like me. She has witnessed firsthand the evils of alcoholism. There’s truly nothing I can do to save my kids from this awful disease. I warned her that she is playing with fire, that my entire immediate family are alcoholics and addicts. She laughed and told me that her dad’s side is the same way. Not comforting. I have a terrible, awful feeling about this. I haven’t found a meeting here yet so I thought I’d share here. Anyway, thanks for reading.
No, it’s not your fault she’s there, and if she “ends up like you” it won’t be you who put her there.
What you described is child abuse and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Doesn’t matter that it’s “family”. If anything it makes it MORE inexcusable.
Maybe think about having a frank talk with her. Point out that not only has she seen the negative impacts it’s had on your life, but hers as well, and now she’s experiencing it from the point of view of the one who’s drunk.
Then be the sober example she needs to see. Show her what the other choice is. Great to learn from mistakes. Better to avoid the mistakes altogether. This is the difference between being “wise” and being “experienced”.
Can you get child services involved over there? Report that they are getting minors intoxicated?
I don’t know your situation, if you’ve had child services called on you and reports filed, you may be able to get her back to your place. If you have had issues with DCS she’ll likely be placed in temporary foster care until you or the dad can show that you’ve followed their recommendations of treatment and are suitable to raise your own kids.
Foster care sounds terrible, but from my first hand experience it was a saving grace. I have 4 kids that were taken by DCS, and placed in 2 separate homes. The foster parents were some of best people I have ever met, and they gave them stability until the wife and I could get right. Our kids were taken in January last year and we were aggressive in our treatment and sobriety, got them back in August, case was closed in October.
This is just my initial thoughts on something that could be immediately done to remove the kids from a toxic environment.
Thank you for the feedback. I think I will talk to her but I also think it’s time to have a chat with her father. I don’t even know how he feels about it and think it would be wise to find out. He and I served together, we have a special bond. We don’t talk ever, seems it’s time we do.
I wouldn’t say it’s a toxic environment. I would say that it could easily go that way. It’s definitely time I grow a pair and get more involved. I appreciate your feedback, thank you. I hope it doesn’t come to DCS involvement.
Do you really not think it’s a toxic environment? Her mom fed her multiple alcoholic drinks then recorded to results like it was a funny game. That is abusive.
I understand how you are blaming yourself here but don’t. Hearing your story I’m tempted to call authorities for you (obviously I can’t since I don’t know details).
Yes, talk to her (and her sister). Find out how much of this is going on. Find out if they feel scared or concerned. Let her know that while you are not perfect you are trying to get better and will do anything for her. (I assume her sister is not your daughter??? But maybe the offer should be there for both of them.)
Hugs. I hope you can use this as incentive to keep working on your recovery. It sounds like those girls NEED you.
Trust me, I’m concerned. I also only know what my daughter told me. It was her uncle that gave it to them, their stepmom was against it but took care of them all night. I have no clue how her dad was involved but I intend to get to the bottom of it. I don’t want to assume anything. Worst case scenario she comes back to live with us. I’m sober now and am able to care for her. Unfortunately, I’m also still homeless and don’t have a place for her to land yet. I have a couple ideas for a worst case scenario, we aren’t there yet. I’m going to talk to her dad when she goes back to school next week. The last thing I want is for her to feel betrayed and shut me out. I appreciate the concern. Thank you.
I drank with my parents all the time, it’s not against the law in most states. Not condoning the behavior, but as long as it’s in the presence of a Guardian. I’ve let my kids have drinks in the past to show them the effects and, for them not to experiment unsupervised. Granted I understand the stigma, but 90-95% of the world do drink alcohol responsibly.
As for the parental exception, approximately 30 states allow it. Here’s how it generally works:
A minor under the age of 21 can legally drink alcohol if given the drink by his or her parent (or legal guardian), and in the presence of his or her parent. For example, a minor can legally drink alcohol in a restaurant, as long as the child’s parent orders the drink, and gives the drink to the minor without leaving the presence of the minor. However, if the parent gets up and goes to the bathroom and the minor takes a sip of alcohol without the parent being present, then the parent can be in violation of the law.
Some restaurants may say it is not their policy to allow anyone under the age of 21 to drink alcohol, even if the parent gives the alcohol to the child. A restaurant has the right to do this but the parent could just leave the restaurant and go somewhere else. Because of this, most restaurants would not say anything so as to not lose customers.
Therefore, all you parents out there should know that you might be able to legally buy a beer for your high school graduate in a restaurant if your state allows it.
In order to find out how you can tell that a friend or a loved is in need of help for alcoholics, you need to know the signs and symptoms of alcoholism.
Next, we’ll take a final look at why the legal drinking age is 21 in the United States.