So, I had managed to stay sober for very close to 5 years, with the exception of pills. I always had alcohol as my DOC. I did “slip” if you will twice , but in AA never picked up a white chip. I kept going to meetings as if nothing happened. I swept it under the rug and just tried to forget about it. And I was never REALLY sober as I would use pills on and off as my “vice” like a lot of “sober “ people would smoke pot (it makes me super paranoid that’s why I don’t smoke it ) the good old marijuana Maintence bs. Well, about a year ago I went and sought out a Dr who I knew would prescribe me a decent amount of Benzo’s , and have been on 4 mg of Xanax , 2 mg kolodopin and he also prescribed me adderall as well (but I didn’t really like that crap as it gave me even more anxiety) so I spent more then a month doped out of my mind bc I would run out of my benzos with in a week and would buy more off the street. Well then about 9 months ago I added in opioids (blues/D’s) and now to the point where I am doing between 6-10 blues a day. I literally have blown thru all my savings. And idk how I am still paying my bills . I’ve been trying to quit for about 5 mo the now , and just can’t do it this time for some reason. I know a lot of you are going to say “go pick up a white chip, or detox , or rehab” blah blah blah , but none of those things I am able to do. I’ve detoxed myself many times in the past off pills and this go around I am struggling incredibly. I decided to start a tapering off my benzos so I can be off those. Now the opioids pills I am so Effien mad at myself for letting myself go this long and I am having the hardest time getting off of them. I have 4 blues left , I am going to use tomorrow. That is my last day. I have 2 8mg Suboxone, as well as a few different types of kratom. Also Imodium and otc pain meds etc. I still have to work (my job is very psychical) and I have 3 children, and a very unsupportive not understanding bf , he doesn’t know about the pain pills , but knows about my script that I’m tapering off of. I feel alone and I cannot go to a meeting and surrender if u will, so I am doing so here. I’m looking at excuses as well as the 9th step “admitting we are wrong except when to do so would injure those or others” my “coming out” in my meetings as well as to the only family I have here (my mother) would or could potentially cause a lot of damage! So I need to do this and I NEED prayers please. Or any other support all of you can offer on here. I am really ready to be completely sober off ALL mind altering substances. And plan on finding a sponsor (I haven’t spoke to my old one in over a year) and starting the steps over. I want this so badly. Please pray for myself and my family that I can do this !! Again I’ve been trying to quit for months and just can’t seem to get off… I keep doing more “one last time” . 
I’m sick and suffering and doing it alone and no one understands why around me I am the way I am . If I admitted what I was doing again it would seriously hurt me and my family tremendously. Love to all and again I’m open to advice as well as support and lots of prayers. Thank you .
Kratom has been a good tool for me getting off opiates. Tomorrow is my day 20 off pills and I’m tapering the kratom, I’m about a 1/5 of what I started at when I quit the oxys. There was still some stomach stuff -otc anti nausea liquid helped a bit with that. Restless leg/shitty sleep. But I’ve detoxed without kratom and could tell a huge difference. But it also apparently has addictive qualities which is why I’m tapering that instead of just stopping it outright. But I don’t “crave” kratom like I did the pills. Still want pills right now but I feel like I can fight that.
Anyway. I know it’s hard! But you got this! Have a plan to get straight and stick with it. Be more stubborn then the “junkie brain” saying “just ones fine”. There’s a lot of cool people here that can help. Search through some old threads and hopefully something will resonate with you. You’re not alone!
Can you possibly get your hands on anymore Suboxone? Because that really helps so much! I am still tapering on Subutex so I couldn’t say how it is coming off of the Suboxone, but it’s worth a shot if you can get anymore. I wish I had more advice for you because your story sounds SO similar to mine minus the drinking. I do really feel for you and will pray for you and your family. There are a lot of helpful and knowledgeable people on here who have been on here WAY longer than me. I definitely still consider myself a semi-newbie to this platform. I’m sure they will give their advice and suggestions as we have all felt like this at least once. I truly wish the best for you, and if you ever need to talk you can private message me anytime!
I unfortunately am not able to get anymore Suboxone, I figured I’d save them for the worst of the worst with the WD’s like day 2,3,4 … idk I actually did make it to day 3 like a week ago and gave in , to the stupid junkie brain as previously mentioned. It’s true . I was going to use kratom, then the subs , getting the subs is difficult.
How is the withdrawal off the subs?
I’ve heard wd off subs is worse then wd off opites so I don’t really want to have too much of that for too long . It does help but I really only plan on taking kratom and the subs (if absolutely needed) for a week to two at most.
I woke up one day and quit suboxone.
It was that easy for me. I knew i would be sick and feel like shit for awhile but I also knew what to expect after being addicted for years and going without drugs. You can do it, you don’t need a sponsor or a rehab facility. Dig deep down inside of yourself and get tough!
It’ll be worth it once the fog lifts.
Best of luck to you.
Its always best to detox cold turkey on natural supplements. You have a long road of detoxing yet. They say it peaks at day 4-5 but withdrawl continues to be rough until you get through a month. Sounds to me rehab may be a good idea. You brought in opiates on top of benzos which both detoxes are prob the worse. This way u can be monitored n tapered off.
Tell ya the truth id say its the same. Everyone claims its worse. I feel like addicts like to think wd is a brag right. Symptoms may last alil longer as the half life of the drug is longer but same withdrawl symptoms nothing different they are both opiates.
Wish I could go to rehab , not an option for me . The tapering off benzos I am in the last few days of week 3 of a 4 week taper , it sucks . But the other stuff I’ve been doing for 9 months now , got to day 3 twice , and went out . This time no tho I won’t I will stick this one out
When using subs dont use them to feel completely comfortable but just to keep some wd at bay. I did a rapid taper and stuck to not buying anymore subs . I got off a heavy iv habit with one 8mg sub and only started at 2mg. By day ten i jumped. It wasnt easy only wd symptom i kept at bay was the hot/cold chills n skin crawls. Make sure to drink loads of water ,get a multi vitamin to get nutrients til u can get an appetite again.
So u only took one sub starting on day 10? Just curious.
Or u made an 8mg last 10 days ?
Made it last 10 days … I started skipping days at the end …
Got that ! Well I’m regretting not taking a 1/2 this morning @ work , taking kratom, although I haven’t even made it a full 24 hours quite yet since my last blue 
this too shall pass I guess .
Takes 3 days for suboxone to stabilize the body… It will get better…
Well… I sought out pills last night. Although my dd was out, I ended up going to my aunts house to get some perks and morphs… this is disgusting. I almost made it through to a complete 48 hours and I messed up. I have about 20-30 perks & 3 morphs … maybe use them this week as a “taper” ? Bc I was doin 8-10 blues a day and snorting them…, now these I can’t blow back so maybe it’ll help 
idk I keep regretting I’m losing so much time keep messing up . It sucks .
Your addict thinking is just excusing it all to taper. That taper will never stick with no dicipline and your impulsive decision to relapse and seek farther is just u prolonging this issue. You have subs and u choose to use. Maybe your not ready yet… I can tell you this … Life never got better while relapsing over n over… It never made a full turn til i was desperate to fix my life that i destroyed and had enough of running from wd every 12 hrs or less. I had to pass through hell before i could come to the life i was promised. To be alive and free!
And remember the relapse starts as soon as you start romancing it and just feeds the relapse. You need to find other ways to spend time and building a new life style…
You’re right. I’m so pissed , I want to be ready.
Might I add, I have been on benzos for a year now , I’m on a 4 week taper plan, on week 3 of it and it also makes it harder and harder . I am miserable and making everyone around me miserable. I took one perk this morning, stupid . Not wanting to take anything anymore. But literally clammy from the benzos , I’ve been sticking to that taper plan , just scared out of my mind to feel opiote wd along w the wd from the benzos , trying to quit too many things @ one time has me all over the place in my head. Everyone around me hates me w the taper off benzos already. I’m bi polar (not really but right now w coming off meds) I keep going back and fourth in my head w if I should just quit one then the other or get it all over @ once. The benzos I have a script for , and I’m all around a mess: and I’m scared of the wd . I’m already in the middle of the wd from benzos so the opiotes is really messy me up . Should I flush these pills?! Benzos I know I can’t cold turkey, but the pain pills I’ve cold turkey b4. Idk what to do. My mind is fucked