Absolutely, I definitely think there’s no singular “right way” to do recovery.
What works for some, won’t work for others.
Even within stuff like 12 step programs there are different ways to go about it, and people engage at different levels.
Do what works for you.
Everyone on here who tries to give advice and help you out has the best intentions and wants to see you succeed, but of course we can only really speak from our own experiences, which are different to yours so may not fit as well.
Congrats on hiring a coach, that sounds like a really positive step forward in tackling your addiction!
My #1 DOC is alcohol, but I have many years experience with kratom(and I don’t see it mentioned much around here). I was scared of alcohol withdrawal when I went on probation and someone told me it could help. Idk if that’s even true, but I tried it. While on probation, I got into opiates real bad. Basically everything besides heroin. The first time I went thru withdrawal, my (ex)bf told me kratom would help. It did. So then, when I didn’t have pills or subs, I used it to get by. Every 3-4 hours and even in the middle of the night to sleep. After a few years, I was able to quit opiates relatively easy bc of the drastic toll they took on my life…but not kratom. I was scared to fully withdraw, so I tapered down very very slowly. So kudos for going cold turkey Similar to alcohol, being so readily available makes it that much harder. I read that a huge percentage of those who quit eventually return to using, so stay vigilant
I think it’s great you’re considering going fully sober! Since I only used kratom to avoid withdrawal and feel ‘normal’, I didn’t notice a significant change to my personality to where I didn’t feel like myself, but I do relate to that from alcohol. All the anxiety over what life will be like without, fades away. The more comfortable you get with the real you, the easier it becomes to make those real connections. I wish you all the best on your journey
Kratom has some tough withdrawal testimonies especially long term heavy users like any drug. I was not a super heavy user and I would often go through a few days off here and there. Some days I only had one or two kratom drinks.
A big part of the equation was having other outlets for endorphins most notably training at the gym or in martial arts. Particularly a sparring session had the most powerful effect on my mood making me feel proud, accomplished and powerful. Not to mention the sweat and energy circulation that occurs during the process.
The new kratom extracts are particularly addictive and have stronger withdrawal symptoms IMO. It’s basically like the difference between some weed from the 70s and dabs or whatever its called, that oil concentrate stuff.
Withdrawal symptoms are not as acute as day 0 to 3. I can sleep now.
Last night was Friday and I have been somewhat of a Friday/Sat night social drug user so last night I felt the old familiar tinge of FOMO. However, I skated past it and went to sleep early. Plus I’m working this weekend so I didnt wanna stay out late.
Most of my friends although good people who have good habits are also social drug users as well some of the time so its tricky territory.
It’s going to take some time to really get used to this new me. I was never the fully sober guy before.
I’m grateful to be fortunate enough to hire a good coach that will be in my corner for a year. I’m also fortunate to have access to gyms, jiujitsu schools and other supportive structures/communities.
Obviously, drug use has been a major help when it comes to dating/sex but it’s also been a major source of disempowerment. When I was in my early 20s, I would challenge myself to meet women sober and use my analytical mind and emotional instincts to talk to them often having enthusiastic debriefs with friends afterwards but now, it seems like my friends and myself are more cynical, less keen on mastering social dynamics and use alcohol as a cope to go through the “tough” social landscape that we’ve grown to resent. Not the way I wanna navigate my life.
I did have an episode and almost relapsed last night where I browsed a bunch of escort sites at like 1AM.
I was just reading an inspiring autobiography too right before it happened so it’s noteworthy how strong the urge is. I mean usually an autobiography is not going to cure an addiction so not too surprising in the end.
Luckily I had a blocking software which reduced my options by 99% but the software is not perfect so there are loopholes although they’re not great and barely increase my options.
I did have one device that did not have the software installed but lets just say using the internet on it is not easy but last night I was motivated enough in my state of heavy craving.
I did end up trying to reach out to several escorts but luckily none picked up.
As I was painfully self aware during the process, I couldn’t help but note how thrilling and transgressive the whole thing felt to me. Even trying to outsmart my own blocking software had an element of thrill to it. This is why I’m adding thrill/transgression to my list of what this addiction does for me. There’s something thrilling about hearing an escort’s voice at 1AM, someone you’ve never met who you might be doing something with like that. It’s just very thrilling and taboo.
My username is Earning Relationships so I want to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with some transgression or thrill but those must be earned as well. They must be at least somewhat aligned with your values, otherwise you end up taking stupid risks, wasting too much money and feeling like krap in the end so it’s not worth that whole cycle.
I must find another outlet for my chaotic impulses and not every impulse needs to be acted on nor is it a signal of your true identity. It’s very difficult to discern the depth and wisdom of an impulse and I’ve experienced this countless times: the dopamine adrenaline rush followed by the dump and the shame. Never again.
In the morning, I made adjustments to my blocking software so now again, I am in a stronger position with less probability of being able to reach websites during an episode.
The Sexaholics Anonymous text (also called the “white book”; it’s the main text for Sexaholics Anonymous) describes exactly this - “we were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden” - in the chapter “The Problem”, where the problem of sexaholism, and how it shows up for us, is described:
We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after. We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. “Please connect with me and make me whole!” we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.
I often have this fantasy of being in prison or somewhere where technology just isn’t an option. Often at night, I feel this burden of being alone. It’s true that I can call someone, I even have a roommate, I could go out to the city and try to meet people but in those moments, I just don’t feel grateful for it, I don’t feel happy about the city I’m in, the people around me bore me, etc. In my mind, the opportunities I do have don’t even come up as options and are quickly dismissed resulting in a feeling of emptiness and resent. This is often a precursor to an episode because I feel like I’m unlucky and I worry that all of these lonely times are damaging me somehow, making me increasingly less human in some weird way. The thrill of an episode sucks up my focus and imagination and gives me a feeling of pleasure, fun and thrill. It’s almost a twisted way of taking back control of my joy and happiness in the face of what seems like darkness and misfortune.
I appreciate the honesty @EarningRelationships . When I went to my first SAA meeting, I was given instruction on the importance of setting boundaries. And defining what acting out is for me.
Setting boundaries for myself has been a process of refining. For instance, I understand for myself thag going on escort sites and contacting them is an automatic reset. My brain fix would have been so hot and toxic. And it would have been highly likely for me to actually do the deed. I no longer consider crossing such boundaries as trilling. After me doing such things, I recognized how it led to more obsessing, craving, and feeling deprived. Such behaviors didn’t fill a void as I once thought. They actually created one.
Yesterday was HEAVY in terms of pros temptation. I even spoke to my coach about it and still I was craving the entire time. I spent some time trying to outsmart my software again. The truth is I could have just hopped in my car and left to go see one but for some reason I was more drawn to just browsing. This is almost exposure to pornography, I mean technically it is but it’s somewhat unavoidable when you’re trying to find pros. Very dangerous waters. Plus I’m teasing my reward circuitry.
I did not cave in the end but I gotta stop this browsing KRAP bc it is starting to enter heavy gray area especially since I consider myself sober from porn/masturbation for almost 2 years.
I have a call with my coach today at noon so that will be good.
Also Im proud of how I navigated work yesterday. It was a frustrating day but I really practiced slowing things down and not being in a rush. The result was that I enjoyed working more. This is going to be a key practice moving forward because if I can avoid rushing, I’ll simply have more fun and be less tempted to act out later.
Day #9 Sober: Heavy craving in the evening, mostly the pros. It’s easier to abstain from kratom and pros than that. Although man IT IS SUCH AN EXPENSIVE addiction.
Felt fine earlier in the day.
Was kind of weary towards end of day as usual when I do almost anything.
If you are feeling any of those it is a higher risk for relapse. Being caring and careful with yourself (including not letting yourself go too long without food; communicating with appropriate people about resentment; finding healthy socializing with people in recovery; and getting lots of sleep) - being careful this way will help you.
Yesterday, I was heavily craving in the evening as I have already mentioned.
Now that I’m making a bit more money, I can afford escorts more frequently which is a major test for me. For a long time, porn filled the gap especially when I was broke. Now I can afford sex so this is a major test of my character and I’m grateful that I get to calibrate my behavior and mindset while I’m still young because when I get older and start making even more money, I would have already went through this experience and I’ll be able to control myself with skill and resolve.
I have some ways to lock up my technology so I did that when I had a few moments of clarity.
In the evening, my attention gets so narrow. I can’t seem to see much beyond the immediate negative emotions. This is a bit of an overstatement but still.
My coach and I are working on figuring out something for me that can allow me to have more “fun”. It’s true that currently, I don’t have the best habits for just having fun. I’ve developed a bit of a negative association with most activities and an obsession with productivity that is a double edged sword.
I wish I was one of those guys that can just go “escape” and play music or something but currently I don’t have that skill. So until recently, my escape was sex and drugs like many of us here.
I feel so much better though than I did on days 1-4. I feel like I’m getting used to this new way of being and that I’ll be fine whereas before I felt so depressed and dark that it destroyed any sense of hope at the most acute points.
I’m becoming more sensitive to the beauty and power within me and around me.
Do you notice you have a pattern of feeling almost overwhelmed and/or negative and lonely or craving in the evening?
You can find meetings to join in the evening where you will be safe:
You can’t afford escorts at all. It has nothing to do with money. You choosing to spend your time in that way is you choosing to jump overboard in the middle of a storm, and hoping you can swim back to the safety of the sober ship. Maybe you can swim back? Maybe you can’t? Why roll the dice? There’s nothing to win, and everything to lose.
I decided to post somewhere else about my sex addiction. Part of it is because I see it as a much more complex issue and I already have a forum where I post about sexual stuff and addiction so Im going to relegate there. Plus that way I dont stir up too much controversy here and get banned. So win/win.
Honestly I have not craved the alcohol or kratom after the 4 day mark. Part of this is because I’ve been avoiding social gatherings that make it tempting. I usually use that stuff for social anxiety and I have not really felt the social pressure as of late. Been doing a lot of soul searching about other things so my focus has been elsewhere. I’m definitely preparing for the moment when the temptations start coming in.
The sex addiction is the toughest one and quitting kratom/alcohol seem much easier in comparison for now anyway. I’m sure as external factors change, that could change too.
I’m going strong with the new lifestyle though so hell yeah.
We have a private message thread for people in recovery from sex addiction here. It’s not going to be easy for you - it isn’t easy for anyone to recover from sex or lust addictions; taking real responsibility for sober, accountable living, and making the necessary changes to mindset and behaviours takes time; the process of learning to see clearly what we are and what we have done takes time - and the same Talking Sober policies and expectations apply to the private message thread, but at least on the private thread you can post without your learning being derailed by conflict mining on the public threads. (I say that not to be dismissive of the legitimate problems identified in conflict mining events here on TS, but instead to note that conflict mining, like geological mining, is extractive - it seeks one thing in a mountain of other things - and when mining is done only for extraction, without proactive investment in cleaning up and education, then the mining is exploitative; it’s about exploiting people and places and situations, and not about doing the messy work of walking a path of change with the people. Readers don’t have an obligation to invest in doing that messy work, but if they’re not willing to invest in doing the work that’s required to make real changes happen, then basically what’s happening when they do conflict-mining posts is they’re performing a spectator role, pointing out pollution - extracting, like mining - but not doing the healthy-but-vulnerable work required to stop the pollution from that specific source in the first place.)
By which I mean to say, if anything I or others have said above here has been helpful for you, and you’d like to dive into that more deeply and sustain the change and growth, there is a space where you can do that. If you’d like to message me about it, feel free to send me a PM.
Similar to alcohol, being so readily available makes it that much harder. I read that a huge percentage of those who quit eventually return to using, so stay vigilant 
