Well, Christmas is only a few days away and I can’t help but feel this certain sense of dread. While the holidays are a time for coming together, counting our blessings and whatnot, there’s just this loom for me. In my family, it means drinking. A lot of drinking. And the be merry part is usually more like guilt trips, fighting and a wonderfully tense atmosphere.
As you can imagine, I’m a little nervous. Partly due to this shit show tradition (pardon my language), but because I have not come out about my fight for sobriety to my family. The last time I opened up about it (early this year), I was not met with compassion and encouragement, but with an almost indifference laced with judgement. I felt like I wasn’t rooted for and supported by them, and felt pressure to imbibe or risk being the black sheep. So I shut down. And relapsed. Sigh. I’m not quite sure how to address it this time around - part of me is feeling guarded because I feel fragile while I try to do this without them. Its not that I want to hide my sobriety by any means, but I frankly don’t see the point in opening up about it in fear of judgement again (“Ok Kristin, we’ll see how long this lasts”)…especially during the holidays, where everyone has amassed…sounds like being under a magnifying glass. Fun, right?
I want to stand my ground in this trigger central. Feeling a little overwhelmed and defensive. What are you guys planning to do in your holiday situations? Do I play the dodge game of questions, refrain from explaining myself? Have a cup full of a mocktail? Its like walking into a battleground blind, lol! Any insights are appreciated!
I take it that the “I’m on antibiotics” routine won’t work? I do feel for you and wish I could come up with a good suggestion. You don’t want people who don’t support you (and indeed put you down for your attempts) to ruin your sobriety but how you get through a difficult period when we are usually all fighting at the best of times, I wish I had the magic answer for you. My husband knows about my issues so he is playing the role of “mean husband” by making me drive everywhere. We also picked up non alcoholic wine and lager for me for when we have guests over ours. How about you are doing a challenge with colleagues in the office to raise money for a charity to abstain for the whole of December… Whatever happens, don’t beat yourself up, it’s a really difficult position to stand up by yourself or give in to them when you clearly don’t want to.
I think if you decide to go you should have a mocktail. It really isnt any of their business if you decide to drink or not even if they are family.They probably didnt support you because it makes them feel guilty about their drinking. People will always try to explain their drinking habits because they don’t want to be an "alcoholic"
To be honest though self awareness is way better than denial. Working towards a better self is nothing to be ashamed of, you choose how you want to live and dont let anyone pressure you into how they choose.
Sounds like the people who aren’t supporting your decision have their own addiction issues…
I would do either one of two things.
Play sick and avoid the holidays. This way I wouldn’t have to explain anything.
Or, just flat out tell them your not comfortable, you don’t have a problem if they drink, you just have a problem if you drink. If they can’t accept it, then don’t go.
If you are afraid of being alone, I’m sure there will be AA meetings to go to, go see a movie, or go volunteer at a soup kitchen.
Regardless, you hold the power, not the people around you.
Also,If you start to feel uncomfortable or pressured it is okay to walk away. Especially since its christmas people should be kind and if they’re not then, bye.
Everyone her is right. Dont go if that is possible and perhaps start your own tradition of helping out at homeless sheltets or soup kitchens, especially if they are going to be unsuppoetive in your sobriety. If you must go you can just carry on as you would anyother time, just without the drink. If they ask its just because you dont want any alcohol. Which you dont and then its not a lie. You dont even have to get into the fact that your an alcoholic and are early in your recovery. If they badger you about it you can be the bigger person and ignore them or just leave. I’m sure you wouldn’t let strangers or friends talk to you negative about something very important to you like your sobriety im sure is. Stay strong my Colorado friend!!!
@Mckristin Your family sounds like my family. Haven’t told them yet, nor am I ready too, but I imagine their response won’t be supportive. Personally I’m going the mocktail route, and if asked I’m going to lie. I’m not proud of it, but I’m also not ready to share with them. I need more days of sobriety before the onslaught of family telling me I don’t have a problem or its just a phase.
These are all great ideas. In early sobriety, avoiding the situation and possible triggers all-together is the best idea. Doesn’t mean you have to avoid family events forever, just not now. Replace it with going to do something fun with a sober friend or quality time alone. As for future events, your sobriety is no one’s business but yours. Enjoy that mock tail to avoid the questions and keep your hand occupied.
Yeah, there’s definitely no one answer. Its just a tough time of year, and to be this early on in sobriety is a little shaky, but it’ll be ok. Intrigued by the non alcoholic wine - is it good?? Is it just grape juice then?
I definitely thing that their drinking is a part of it - misery loves company, right? Going against the grain is going to have its challenges, but its worth more than worrying about anyone else’s comfort other than my own. Thank you for the reminder!
I wish I could avoid the holidays! lol! I am unfortunately staying under the same roof, so escape plans aren’t as easy, though not impossible. But you make a valid point and I think its important to walk away when we need to. And I love that - I hold the power, damn it! Totally needed to hear that, thank you!
Thank you, Boulder buddy! I think I just feel so defensive right now because I’m trying to find my footing, you know? Standing up for myself hasn’t always been my strongest suit and to do it with the people you learned your drinking habits from? OOF. I will be having lots of humble pie this Christmas, that’s for sure. It just comes down to, this is about me. That’s all there is to it, and I have to let go of other people’s expectations.
Exactly. Isn’t it kind of funny (and moreso sad) that the people we seek comfort and acceptance from are the ones that don’t seem to give it? Its frustrating that they don’t take this struggle to heart and just brush it off. Good thing we have this online family while we try to gain more momentum and strength. Hope things go smoothly for you on Christmas, and cheers (mocktail version) from afar!
I’ve not actually tried the wine yet, I love the lager though. I’m assuming they will be the same thing, either heated to remove the alcohol from it or a chemical added to remove. Will let you know on the 29th if not before
