Either the anxiety or the depression from opiate withdrawal is gonna win

With an attitude like that, you’re going to relapse. Doesn’t sound like you wanna be sober. You have to be positive and dig deep. Are you working any type of program or do you just plan to white knuckle it? You’re worthy of a happy sober life, we all are.

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Maybe you can try alternative anxiety treatments? EMDR, neurofeedback, transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS.) Breathing exercises, ASMR. I’ve been having a TON of trouble sleeping but ASMR helps me fall asleep, especially this video. As far as venting goes, we’re all here for you. We have zoom meetings every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Maybe you can check it out with your video and sound off and just listen? & maybe talk and even use video if you get used to it & feel inclined to.

Careful with the gabapentin… Remember anything not natural that your inducing will have its own side affects when stopped. Detox is just one of those things you cant rush or cheat on. Like any relationship or test taken in life will never end well. Your message to your ex wasnt an apology you had motive to hopefully rekindle something thats lost. Your just creating stress on yourself and relationships are a bad bad idea until you detox and stabilize. You can search for help without her and no one can help you but yourself. Only your will,courage and perserverence will get you through this. Messing with any kind of mood stabilizers, benzos, or medication not prescribed will cause more harm then good. Trying to use meds to sleep is not getting natural sleep and will cause insomnia later on when you stop taking it. Detox is always hell and many of us have been through it between the sweats,chills, loose stools, hot flashes its all a part of detox. I feel with the doubt and your approach to this isnt going to fare well and you should check into a monitored detox facility instead of making cocktails. Plenty of people there to chat with and going through the same things you are. Tapers only work if your diciplined and follow strict guidelines. there is no room for error or you will just be kicking the can down the road more extending this out even more. Do you wanna get it over with now or keep stretching this out? Remember that choice is yours and your determination to make it happen with no excuses … we all know how excuses go. its always just a slap on the wrist and justifies our poor behavior.

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Wise words

@Lisa07 some days I’m very positive about sobering up. In fact you’ll hear me scream about sobering up and pushing thru it. But when I’m on here it’s because my mood is way down.

Tapering this antidepressant opiate has my moods swinging all over the place. Like last night that’s why I was on here. Depressed me during this taper is on here. Normal me is just trying to play video games right now. Anxiety me is fast pace walking around the house trying to do something to rid of it. Even if I take my clonazepam for anxiety or panic, I still need to do something for an hour to really calm down.

I’m outside walking down the street with an umbrella in the rain because my anxiety is spiking to the point of panic. Anxiety with this feeling I can’t breathe.

Just trying to play video games on my laptop watching ghost adventures and BAM panic and anxiety.

For years docs, therapists, my parents, etc try to determine where my anxiety comes from. Nobody knows. It comes out of nowhere. It’s not like I’m about to go on a date with someone I’ve never met, that is explainable anxiety. But just watching TV, playing video games at the same time, and I get a panic attack. Well, what a mystery.

Where’s the info on these meetings? I’ve never used zoom but since I’m a computer nerd I’m sure I can figure it out.

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Gabapentin has never given me withdrawal issues or sicknesses. Lyrica will that’s for sure. Lyrica will basically put me in a state of panic all day. It’s prescribed to help with my anxiety, nerve pain (gabapentin rx’d for nerve pain too), and possibly to prevent seizures. I possibly had a seizure few years ago from a migraine but nobody witnessed it and it was in my sleep. Only evidence was I bit my tongue very hard and it swelled up I couldn’t talk or eat. I could only eat apple sauce for a week.

I’m pretty sure she’s gone again anyways. I have certainly dated a lot but only 3 girls in my life I have considered “a drug” like no matter what that spark never dies for me and, imo, would be marriage material. But life gets in the way. She ended the first time we were together and she technically was still figuring out what a relationship is made of cause she hadn’t really been in any. Years later she came around for a second chance, in fact she was very much interested in a 2nd chance well before she reached out. But I was going thru my 2016 opiate binge and my addiction problems messed up any chance. And that was that…

If she was any of the other girls I dated or was in a relationship with that were not any of my “main 3” I wouldn’t care much.

Please save the “well maybe life will come back around” or any of that stuff. No need for those words. I’d just get more pissed at myself if someone says that.

And I get what you’re saying about the things that are part of detox. Just gotta get thru it. No meds other than opiates will truly stop all the sweating and chills. But I certainly want to try to minimize them.

There’s no decent detox facility in this state. I did research it. Tapering it with help from my mom who is a retired ER doc. Due to how evil tianeptine is for 2hr half life, wanting to redose every 2 hours is basically what I want. So I can’t trust myself to hold on to the stuff. So we got this.

Not sure where you are getting cocktails from what I’m using. I’m pretty much following my prescriptions as prescribed. Well except gabapentin and Lyrica. But I’m not exceeding my instructions. Take Lyrica x3 a day. I might skip a dose and take 2 when I go to bed to help with my night sweats and other issues with opiate taper. But I’m not taking 9 of them at once like others will say on reddit. I did take a chunk of gabapentin tho that one day last week. I had brutal withdrawal symptoms. I’ve never EVER had gabapentin help with withdrawal. Others do and praise it. But for first time ever it helped. But now things are more in control. I’m not dose hopping from like 900mg to 400mg. We are dropping 25mg each dose right now.

We got this

Here’s the link to it. :slight_smile:

I really don’t know how to put this but YOU have to stop hunting out these medication… You say your geek savie block those sites… Let you mum enter a password that will block you from getting on to these damn sites that your getting all your drugs from.

I’m sorry to ask but have you even told your doctors of your drug abuse, you are abusing the drugs and little by little your making it harder on your body and your mind.

You obs have not hit your rock bottom because if you had you would be telling here the reasons why your so motivated on getting clean not on when your next fix is and your proud to get through to them couple of hours.

I can whole heartily put my hand on my heart and say I know every thought, every sensation you are having I’ve been through.

I want you to know you are worth the change, you deserve to be more than the drugs your putting in yourself.
Sure an overdose MIGHT seem the right path but is it really, I know now I would rather have failed my overdose to beable to tell someone who has those feelings I did that it can get better if you choose to!

Addiction is fucking hard but you know what if only you could see you are better without the drugs in you, those sweats and pain go away but the more you bump up your nose or decide to pop down you, well only hinder you… When you can’t function for work or your mum and dad have to care for you as the damage is too far…

I say this all not with hate but with kindness and love. you deserve to be loved and you have to start loving yourself first.

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I’ve lost track of time have you done your talk yet?

I can’t make any of them :frowning: @joy_speaks_too

I work Tues to Sat.

6pm UTC is 1pm my time and I work 7am to 4pm. So I’d be working during all those.

That sucks. I mean, they usually run all day. Saturday is more popular. There’s one on Thursday, as well

So just misread that…
My talk is today… :grimacing:
I have the song downloaded and think its damn beautiful!

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Good luck and remember, You know who you are :grin:

You should check out survivor and lipstick and cocaine by the same artist, she is a recovered addict herself.

@Tokigurl88 (I started typing this days ago and forgot all I wanted to say) I still need to show my mom how to print things on a computer. Or how to use the android Play store to find apps on her phone. She’s not tech savvy.

Besides putting a password on them is not going to slow me down.

I haven’t gotten any drugs from dark web since i detoxed heroin back in… July?.. Awhile ago. Maybe early August. I could easily go back and find a new market and get real opiates. Not this awful legal shit. Have I gone on to dark web looking for a new market (the one I used exit scammed shortly after I withdrew from H)? No.

I should have knew it was bad to try tianeptine because legal drugs always suck and do plenty of evil shit to the body. I learned how awful tianeptine is so I’ll never touch that shit again. I know an addict saying they’ll never touch a drug again is impossible to believe but the hell of withdrawal from this stuff is like none I’ve ever seen. It’s awful. Like this is a drug I just want to be gone of. I can’t wait to be done with this taper.

I’m so dedicated on never touching this stuff ever again that I have attempted to reach out to anyone in my state legislature to help ban this drug. Get it on scheduled 1 state level list. I’m trying to protect myself and other addicts from every touching this stuff. Michigan has it banned. Minnesota and Alabama are expected at the start of next year. I have never hated a drug so much that I am trying to get it banned. I hope this proves as evidence that I will never seek out tianeptine ever again. (trying to get ahold of someone in state health dept is tough right now with Covid, most of their emails are no longer monitored and just spam me about covid. I put stuff on reddit for my state, maybe someone that knows someone will see it)

Does my doctor know? No. I have a document I signed and agreed to that they can drug test me any time they want and require me to bring in my medications to count any time they want. Not sure if all primary docs have that but mine does. And this document is signed for each specialty doctor I see with them. Have they drug tested me since I signed it? No. Have they counted my meds? Yes, few times.

I had been perfectly fine until covid isolation.

2016 I was with a different doctor and that was the year of dark web opiate use. I came clean with him towards the end and immediately he looked at me like a criminal. I was not happy. It took a lot out of me to admit all of that, I was literally crying about how I wanted help. What did he do? Changed his demeanor to look at me as a criminal. This doc even knows my mom from working together in a hospital. But after I told him my drug abuse he turned stone cold, no bed side manner. I went thru aoda and anxiety therapy thru that doctor’s medical “group” or whatever that is called with all the medical facilities belonging to the same group. After I finished my mental therapies I switched medical “groups” and went to the next big one where I’ve been since. Only 2 big medical groups in this area so not risking my current doc changing his bedside manner.

Again. I was fine until covid isolation. Once my taper is done and I’m past all this hellish withdrawal, I should be fine. My mom will be down here for awhile to watch me. And everyone says… “well your mom won’t be there to watch you forever”… Yes your right… I was left alone from 2018 to covid isolation. So I was doing pretty good until a once in a life time world event happened.

I’m sure I had more to say but again this was originally typed days ago but this should summarize things.

I might be able to just listen with my laptop next to me since I work from home. But work has been hellish lately. I do transportation logistics with one of the biggest trucking companies and covid has certainly kept us busy.

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Totally, some people do just pop on and listen. Whatever works for you.

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I’m still hanging in on the taper. It had some small back track. We are in the lower range now where I am really feeling it. The antidepressant side of it so far has been strong as well.

My stomach is just never ending. No amount of immodium helps. All night last night.

My emotions range drastically. Other day my mom left in the evening to visit my brother and I felt so depressed like she was never coming back and I would never get my next dose. Then it switched to anxiety.

Restless leg is very noticeable at night.

The taper is likely going to slow a bit more than planned. The folks on reddit were right when you get down to the lower amounts.

Due to short half life and dosing every 4 hours, I had been fine at night until morning without a mid night dose. We are thinking that may change. So far tho negative.

But last night was just so wicked. I had a panic attack around 7pm. My mom just drove me around town and it calmed me down without benzo use. Then when I went to bed… Every 60 minutes it felt like I had to run to the bathroom. I never looked at the time. It’s just a thing I do during opiate withdrawal… Never look at the time at night. Night is my favorite peaceful time. If I look at a clock then I’m going to get frustrated if it’s near daylight…

Just because I’m quiet on here how doesn’t mean much. I’m just hanging on.

Since my interest in pc gaming is gone… I try to draw those silly adult coloring books instead !

20201004_191014|375x500

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My latest upadate