Familiar story here. The key is to accept that you can never drink like a “normal person”, bad things will eventually happen if you drink, and you will only end up with regrets. Commit to never again giving yourself permission to take that first drink. I have complete control over the first drink. I can take it, or I can refuse to take it. Once I’ve had the first one, I no longer have control over my drinking…I am controlled by it.