I just feel more broken than usual, I think I have like episodes from my depression? I don’t really know if that’s anything like I have a few days maybe up to a week where I feel better or normal I guess but then I have my depressed feeling which is normal for me because that’s most of what I’m feeling all the time. I feel relief crying to songs I can relate to while cutting or just crying in general but I know I’m not able to do that in front of people unless I breakdown which I try my best not to do that because it makes me feel weak and I always feel weak in a way but when someone sees me like that, I’m at my weak point when I’m crying so anything they say that is not what I need or is bad will change my plans and make things worse in a lot of ways. Which is kinda understandable if I use anger ot whatever as a way to hide everything. What if I snap again where I go crazy and start yelling, swearing and punching or whatever because it has happened before and it does happen more than I wish.
It sounds u have a lot of pent up emotions. Letting out emotions gradually, appropriately, means they don’t build up so u snap or cut. When u hurt others, emotionally or physically, then u stop connecting to them, and connection to others is totally essential to us. They also say connection is the opposite of addiction.