Facing Fear

Life in Recovery
, , , ,
1

“Do the thing we fear, and death of fear is certain”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have 71 days sober and clean today, and am leading my first AA meeting tonight. I’ve had a really difficult week, my most difficult yet since entering sobriety. Marital issues as well as having had many close friends go out and relapse in the last two weeks, in glorious fashion as we addicts and alcoholics usually do.

I saw a show last night and the topic of Fear and Shame was brought up. It made me think about my fears and what is holding me back, and I wanted to lead the meeting with the topic of Fear. As the leader I get to pick a topic.

I picked this quote to read by Ralph Waldo Emerson, I love Emerson and named my 3 year old Daughter Emerson after him.

“Do the thing we fear, and death of fear is certain”

It made me think about my own fears, and how I get stuck in fear, unable to move ahead and too scared to turn back. But resisting our fears doesn’t make them go away, and avoiding our troubles often adds up to stress and anxiety.

Can you visualize the life you will be leading in ten years if you were able to take action towards your dreams? Can you visualize your life if you don’t do anything and you let fear hold you back? Can you handle the outcome even if it isn’t the result you wanted? What would you do if you had absolutely no fear?

How much is your fear costing you in terms of happiness & health?

For me, fear has driven most of my life decisions. And it has been my biggest roadblock in life. It’s tough to conceptualize that fear is only in my head and not even a real thing. I see people chasing after their dreams and motivated day after day, pushing onward like a mountaineer. And I envy them. I’m able to tackle fear in a literal sense, I backcountry snowboard and we have to walk through and ride through quite a bit of fear. In fact, in some situations the fear can be lethal. If I’m in a couloir trying to hammer a piton in to rappel through a cliff section, and I get gripped by fear, I am frozen in place and unable to regulate my breathing. Panic sets in and my body begins to be unable to perform properly. When I feel that first twinge of fear creep in, it’s important to regulate my breathing then. To remind myself that logically I am safe and to maintain a positive center. That I’ve studied the line or the mountain and made good decisions to get to where I am, and if I can maintain a clear state of mind I can get through the difficult sections.

But in the real world, my fear is much more powerful. It grips me and I can’t move past it. I make career choices surrounding it. I stay in an unhealthy marriage because I’m afraid of being alone more than I’m afraid of living an entire lifetime in an unhappy and toxic relationship that fills me with anxiety, sadness, and hurt. I’m afraid that raising my children in a split household will damage them and they will resent me for it.

But then I’m also afraid if I stay, I’ll live a life of sadness and hurt, I’m afraid my children might resent me for staying in a marriage just for them. That my children will become damaged from witnessing the constant arguments, fights, disagreements, and that my weariness and anxiety and fear will rub off on them. Or they will grow up with deep rooted childhood traumas like both my wife and I did, affecting them for the rest of their lives and affecting their life choices, who they choose in a partner, and what career paths they decide to go down.

I’m afraid I’m going to die having regretted not doing more. Afraid that when I’m old and tired I’ll regret not chasing after my dreams with everything I had when I was younger. But I’m also afraid that if I chase after those dreams, I’ll realize I wasn’t as smart or as strong as I thought that I was, that the world will break me and I will be a failure and a shame.

“When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

16 Likes
2

Fear is a wonderful topic. Let us know how the meeting goes. And thank you for sharing your raw emotions.

Keep putting in the work my friend

5 Likes
3

Fear is not always a block to doing a thing, it is always a block to thinking. Fear is not accepting things as they actually are, it is painting those things with the colors of catastrophe.

In my marriage, I struggled with the stay or go decision for years. It was a conscious decision, arrived at after some years sober, to be happy where I was. Just like when I was drinking and trying to control the people and situations around me to suit my drinking, in sobriety I was trying to manipulate my way to being happy. When I arrived at the complete embrace of ‘Everything is gonna be alright’ that I was able to be happy in myself and to radiate that outward to those around me.

6 Likes
4

That is a beautiful and provoking message. I’ve taken what you said to heart and agree with your perception very much. My wife and I have been working on our issues and trying to keep the marriage together.

I don’t know why but I have this need or expectation that everything should be amazing and great all the time, and it’s just not the way life works really. That way of thinking was a big contributor to my alcoholism and drug use. -I feel great when I take this drug. -I should feel this great all the time. -now I’m physically dependent on these chemicals and I do not feel great except the first or second time I use of the day, other than that I am just trying to take it to feel okay. Or not sick. Or able to get out of bed. Or able to go out and be a normal person. Or work.

It’s a vicious and insidious way of looking at life, the expectation things should be great all of the time. I really appreciate your thoughts and on just “accepting things as they are and being okay with it”, and have been trying to live that in other areas outside of my marriage. -accepting my anxiety as just a normal emotion and to feel it through to its root and sitting in it until a solution arises or I move on. -accepting my sadness as a normal emotion and sitting in it until I feel a solution or I feel better or just going out and doing something fun instead of getting high or having a drink. -accepting my anger as a normal emotion and trying to dig down to the core emotion, whether that’s hurt or sadness or fear.

Thank you.

6 Likes
5

Learning to live life on life’s terms is one of the many benefits of recovery. AA has specifically taught me how to do this. Expectations breed resentments. You are doing a lot of growing. Glad you are here.

2 Likes
6

This way of accepting and being in the present and with what is very helpful to me as well…especially when I remember to come back to it when I am getting caught in a spiral (fear). The only moment I have is the present moment. Finding the peace there, finding the gratitude there helps me. I also find comfort in knowing life is not always easy or comfortable or flowing…sometimes it is incredibly challenging and painful. Being okay with life and my self and feelings not being okay is something I work on. I think you really got to the important part

Sobriety and recovery are a process and journey. Uncovering all these layers along the way…seems to be a big part of recovery and healing…and life itself.

And it is normal as we age and heal to ask the big questions and to question our choices and to realize that doors do close. All part of life.

Like @SinceIAwoke, I find peace in letting go of the struggle and being where I am.

Of course that isn’t necessarily what is best for you and your life. We all need to look honestly and with grace into our own lives and hearts and the hearts of our marriage/partnership and decide for ourselves where to make a stand.

Enjoying the conversation and thread. Thank you.

4 Likes
7

100% described me.

1 Like
8

This is worthy of publication. You are a gem, Sassy. Appreciate you.

Pema Chodron’s book “When things fall apart” will always be so helpful to me.

1 Like