I put this under emotional support instead of relapse because IM not the one who relapsed. My mom did. I mean….she’s never really been sober. She’s always on something. She said she started speed in high school and ever since she will switch from one thing to the other for a while she avoided “real” drugs. Used head shop and gas station stuff. Then she had an accident. She was WAY over prescribed on opioids. It took years for her to get clean. I helped her, watched her almost die more than once before my freshman year of high school ended.
I’ve talked about my mom on here a lot. She’s not a bad person. She wasn’t a HORRIBLE mother like I know some people experience when their parents are addicts. But this time it’s different. She’s broken. She’s become someone else entirely. She’s on what was marketed as Kratom. It isn’t. We’ve been told it’s probably Tianeptine which is commonly referred to as gas station heroin here in the states. But honestly we don’t acrually know what it isn she took it for 3 years. Very high dose. The first time she couldn’t afford it anymore and stopped she had 7 seizures and went into cardiac arrest. I didn’t even have that happen when I quit heroin. I don’t know what it is but….she’s lost everything. Job, cars, house. I spoke with her the other day after 4 months of no contact. She seemed to be doing better. I guess it’s not really a relapse bc I don’t think she ever stopped.
This morning her 2 year old dog died from liver failure. Very sudden. That dog helped her through the last 4 years when she felt abandoned (and yes she’s an addict that’s on her but her abandonment issues come from long before she was an addict. My mom’s birth family sucks. They’re horrible people so I understand why this little dog meant so much to her).
She fully crashed out. I’m really worried. She’s agreed to rehab but I personally never went to rehab. I was too poor and too embarrassed and I grew up being put in psych units for self harm and went through detox a few times that way it’s scary. I was too scared to hand my life to a facility. Especially the state funded ones I could afford or would take me with no insurance. I’ve done a taper or “medical detox” type thing myself before because of that fear. It worked for me because I’m stubborn was stupid and honestly got lucky.
So now I’m trying to find her help and everything is $13k, a horribly rated facility where people have died, or just deemed unsafe to detox in.
I’m exhausted. It’s been really bad for like 4 years now. Growing up….my mom was an addict but like….she never stopped fighting. My mom went through some horrific things before I was born and we went through horrible things together. She never stopped. She never quit. She moved mountains. I don’t know who she is anymore. This isn’t the first time I’ve been by her side, but its the first time for my younger sisters. One is a teenager the other is 7.
I just feel so empty. Then throwing in the death of a really sweet loving dog on top of it and how the vet clinic handled everything that triggered this breakdown…… idk. The last 6 months have been hellish for me. I’m tired.
It’s probably 7-OH. It’s one of the chemicals that are in Kratom, but it’s that super refined or synthetically made. and it’s pretty much gas station heroin depending on what you get it can be 5 to 25 times stronger than morphine itself. I’ve been through treatment with a guy that came off of it and it took him 3 1/2 weeks to actually feel halfway normal and start eating again. The stuff is horrible. I’m sorry for what you’re going through with your mom. I grew up with parents that were addicts and alcoholics. I say support her but she has to want it for her to stop and you have to make sure your sobriety comes first so if something does happen you can be there for your sisters.
So I do know it isn’t 7OH. I had to go through 7Oh wd and you’re right is fuckin HORRID. It took me 3 weeks to be able to sleep through the night and not be sick and for my nervous system to even function again but honestly it took 2 months for me to feel normal again. But I’ve also taken one of what she’s taking. It was like 4 years ago. But it was very distinctly different. I was the kind of addict that’s tried a little bit of everything. I don’t say this proudly. But… I know so much……
The best guess at what it is would be Tianeptine. It’s a lot stronger and is a little closer to heroin than pills. Which is horrifying. $35 at a headshop worse withdrawls than pills, just as addictive, and fires with your opioid receptors.
When I took 7OH it felt closer to pills. This felt dangerously close to H. She gave me one and I never ever took another one again Because i worked really hard years ago to quit that and i wasnt messing with anything like it again too slippery of a slope. But she takes 10 of them a day now. She stopped once. She had no heartbeat for a full minute. In front of my sisters. I’ve seen my mom in withdrawal before, never that bad, but I have and I’ve seen it with others bc of the company I kept. But they have never known this part of her. They’re just seeing it these last 4 years. They’re scared.
She’s agreed to rehab but finding a facility is a nightmare bc I love her even though I’m angry and hurt and managing my own feelings I don’t want her somewhere she may be over medicated or hurt.
But thank you! It’s nice just to voice it somewhere that I don’t feel ashamed or like I’m being judged for who my parents are.
I went through kratom withdrawal as well. The main issue is 7OH. It really was awful. It is JUST like going through opioid withdrawal. There’s no reason it should be legal. I’ve gone through several wd from several different things kratom/7OH after prolonged exposure is in the top 3.
I think what she’s on is marketed as kratom and is actually Tianeptine. Same family but stronger and dirtier. But honestly who knows what it actually is. I’ve taken what she takes once before about 4 years ago. Kratom feels closer to a pain killer. This feels closer to H. I never touched it again. It was too similar and a slippery slope for me. She almost died when she tried to stop and so she just never tried again. I just want her to get help. I miss her
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. My mom was an addict until she was 63ish and almost died of liver failure.
I’ll say this about treatment centers. They’re like a psych ward, not really gonna get great reviews. I bet she’d be safer in almost any treatment facility than she is on her own though. Wishing you and your mom the best.
Wow so sorry you’re going through all of this… There is a post on here called Are you affected by a loved one who is an addict. I really like it. You might want to check it out.
Ya know I think I really needed to hear this. I was struggling with the guilt. I’ve never been to rehab but I have been to a psych unit before. Once when I was 10, another time when I was 16, and again in my 20s for suicide attempts. The way I was treated, misdiagnosed and over medicated…. It still haunts me. It did more damage to my mental health than good. I don’t want that for her. But …. At least she can’t get high if she’s there
Thank you! I’ve never really thought to look at things like that. I mean my parents have always been addicts. But I was the “bad” kind of addict and my mom was sober (or sober passing) when I was a teen….. I never thought that I’d be the one needing support for loving an addict…. I was always the reason the people I loved needed support.
I apologize I’ve been away on vacation for a while, but I hope everything is on the up and up. I hope you find a treatment center that fits her. I’ll say a prayer for yall tonight. Keep your chin up and stay after it. Please check back in I would love to see how your doing.
There is a post on here called Are you affected by a loved one who is an addict. I really like it. You might want to check it out.