Sounds like you’ve got addicted and you need to get clean. It’s a hard space to be in and it is scary. It feels like your life is out of your control.
You need help my friend. You say you want to fight on, but there’s no soldier who can fight alone. No battle is won alone. You can only win this by asking for help and by learning.
You need to get clean. You can learn to do that here:
You also should speak with a medical doctor about your peripheral neuropathy. Give your full history and ask for the doctor’s opinion.
The recovery part is absolutely fundamental. The medical part will work if you work the recovery part as your foundation.