Feel like I don't have enough support. *warning: lots of mentions of 3rd party drunkenness*

A close friend of my partner’s, let’s call him P, is potentially going to prison for a very very long time. Yesterday was P’s pre-trial and my partner went to court with a couple other friends, and I guess the pre-trial didn’t go well. I’m fairly close with P as well, but I couldn’t get the time off work, so I went to meet my partner and P’s friends at a bar when I got off work. I knew full well my partner was going to be very upset and very drunk, and I was going to be DD/babysitter. That’s totally fine for me. It was a very terrible day for him to sit next to P’s mom and teenage daughter while P left in handcuffs, as one of his best friends, so I completely empathize with wanted to get wasted with friends after. It was a really long night, and my partner got so drunk he could barely walk. I stayed up with him later than Id like. He and I are on opposite schedules, so I have to get up very early for school, and he doesn’t work until evening.
When I woke up for school this morning I slept in later than usual so I didn’t have time to make breakfast, or any of my usual morning routine. Then when I went to leave I realized I had forgotten my backpack at one of the bars we were at last night, so I couldn’t go to class. So instead I drove around my neighborhood in circles, waiting for the party store to open so I could get my partner some Gatorade. I got home and I was just hungry, exhausted, upset about my friend P, and upset about my backpack, and it just all hit me at once.
I called my mom to try to talk to someone, but she was too preoccupied with her own drama to want to hear about mine. I tried waking my partner up, but it is way too early in the morning for him. I just feel like I have so many people I try to take care of, but when I go to call someone I don’t come up with many options. I have a lot of friends that I hang out with, but I guess none that I’d feel comfortable being emotionally vulnerable with. I just wish some days I could get baby-sat still, even without being drunk. I feel like more people took care of me and worried about me when I was drunk, and sometimes I miss that because I feel really alone now.

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You deserve what you’re asking for. You are not obligated to care for people who won’t care for themselves. It is not your responsibility to sacrifice to make sure the effects of their poor choices are minimized.

The question is fairly simple, “Can these people give me the relationship I need?” If they can, that’s a starting point. If they can’t, can you remain in that relationship without having your needs met?

Sobriety is just the start, the cleaning up of the mess we’ve created after the fog has cleared is when the hard work begins.

I wish you the best on your journey!:v:

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This isn’t meant to be cold, it’s just that the truth is often cold: Unless you have a long time in recovery, you are in no position to be giving to all these people. You can’t save someone from drowning if you are still in the process of learning how to swim. Sure, maybe you’ve mastered the survival float, but to provide buoyancy and movement for two, especially if they are actively resisting is too much for you.

You didn’t mention why “P” is going to prison, and this really doesn’t matter. What matters is “P” hasn’t made the best life choices. Not saying “P” is beyond redemption, but in this moment of sowing and reaping, perhaps you might want to distance yourself going forward.

I’m not suggesting you leave your partner either, but it does appear that he lacks appropriate coping mechanisms to deal with drama. So how would he react if he were the one jammed up? How would you react.

These people cannot give you the support you need, and if anything they are draining your ability to support yourself.

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It’s hard to always be the strong one and I’m sorry you feel this way. We’re here for you! Even if it’s not the same not being in person, we are here.

I’m a healer, a fixer, a lover, a problem solver by nature. I have often been the person helping to clean up lots of messes I never had a hand in making so I totally understand! Sometimes it is good to help, other times it’s actually not at all, even when I thought it was. Something I’ve learned this year becoming sober that I wanted to share in the event it may help you is that I needed to learn how to be my own best friend and my own strength too. I didn’t see it that way before but the reality is people aren’t often there for me the same way I am for them and I am ok with it now because it’s actually a really valuable (and hard) lesson that I needed. When I got sober, I fully realized I am the only one I can really rely on to know what I need and make it happen so I stopped emptying myself out as much to everyone else while I’ve gained my bearings. It’s been a different but also freeing new way to live!

However, that being said I also understand and really appreciate the desire to be vulnerable and open with others. It’s a beautiful thing when it happens, it’s how we connect with others but it has to be a two way street for it to really work. You can’t easily open up to someone who shuts you out emotionally while you continue to pour yourself into helping them. All that does is leave bigger and emptier holes in yourself. Holes I didn’t really realize I had until I became sober but they were certainly there.

So, long story not short at all I’m sorry about your friend and all that’s gone down-it is nice you can be there for them but don’t forget your needs are important in the process too. :heart:

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I can related to your story. I mean, not the details but the feelings of being alone. In so many ways we make ourselves martyrs. And I know that sounds negative because I have often referred to others as being martyrs and not meaning it in a kind way. But it is what I do. I’m always there for other people but I never ask for anything for myself. Why? Because I don’t want to be a burden. They have their own problems, why would I add mine to them. It’s just completely insane though because we help others without saying “they are such a burden”.

So, I think what we need to do is to just speak up and say “this is what I need”. Maybe they won’t be there for us, and that is their choice to make and we can move on to someone else until we do find someone who will help us. But NO ONE will help us if we never ask for it.

HUGS.

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Sometimes the burden we carry on our shoulders isnt our burden. No one’s tomb stone epitaph says, “I wish I worried more”. This place can be here for you to a certain extent. Nothing beats face to face contact. A program like AA might be a tremendous support system to you. Not into AA, maybe SMARt

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My mom always told me that you have to take care of yourself because nobody else will. I will add that we also have to ask for support when we need it, because others can’t read our minds. You need to take care of yourself first right now and give yourself permission to be a little “self centered.” You’re worth it! Best wishes to you, dear!