I like to stay busy in the evenings so that I do not drink. My husband likes to relax and drink, or hang out with friends and drink. We used to drink a lot together. The problem is, He is a fun drunk. So no one sees it as an issue. Even though he can’t go one day without drinking.
When I get drunk, I sometimes blackout and do dumb shit, or get mad for dumb reasons. He will stay mad at me for being a dumb drunk for weeks, but he can’t even take one day off. He sees stopping drinking as the same as giving up candy or something. It is really fucking hard for me.
I know I should not judge. Maybe it is misplaced anger or I am just jealous of him or maybe I just need to vent.
I had to get out of the house. I am just sitting in a parking lot looking at my phone. I just cannot be around it right now. I there are some old threads on this, but they are 3 or 4 years old. Can anyone else relate?
First of all, you came to the right place. Welcome!
Secondly, I’m on day 21 and I am in your exact shoes. My husband and I have been drinking buddies for YEARS. But I knew it was becoming too much for me. He drinks basically every night, but the difference between he and I is he knows his limits. I don’t. So I decided to stop.
Originally, I was putting pressure on him to stop too. But I came here and I heard the best advice I could -
Your sobriety is up to YOU.
Is it hard being around it? Absolutely! It’s one of the most difficult things imaginable!
But at the end of the day, this is your path and your choice. You chose to get sober, and you take it one day at a time. Don’t focus on your partner until it becomes something that’s genuinely and truly a problem. Focus on you. Your needs, what you have to work on. Let him be a fun drunk - he’s in charge of his own self too!
But if you know if your heart of hearts that you are not that way, it’s okay. You’re really not alone. I check in here almost every day and I can tell you, it really does get better. I feel better everyday choosing to be present!
Thanks for reaching out! I have been on and off the sober train for a few years. Trying to get right again. I have to focus on one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. I think the longest I went was 6 months.
Well, my wife has drank for the for the 638 days I’ve been sober. Every single one of them. We drank together for 36 years. I can’t drink anymore because I can never stop drinking when I get started. She’s harmless and passes out on the couch. It’s sad. And I’m lonely most evenings but I’m learning to be grateful for the time I have with her when she is not drinking. It’s not always easy but this is my sobriety and I don’t miss the merry go round of drinking.
I’ve also learned when I’m focused on my wife’s drinking, I’m not focusing on my sobriety. And I need that reminder all the time. So I pull out this reading that I will leave here with you.
I’m always around here because I get great support. And I start my day on the gratitude thread. It’s my best tool. Daily Gratitude List #3
I’m Always happy to help. This shit is hard.
Feel free to vent on here. It always helps me.
As much as I hate that you were/are out sitting in your car, I am glad you realized you needed a “time out” and took one. My sober life continued to have drinkers in it with subtle repercussions to more obvious ones. If he can’t or won’t not drink for a day, especially if that is something that you would like or request… then… in my mind he does have a problem past being a fun drunk. Doesnt matter what I think, it matters what he thinks and we know that answer. When it is hard for you, excuse yourself and take that “time out”. Keep your sobriety strong and your sanity too. If he asks you what you are doing, be honest and tell him. Suggest a few nights a week he abstain just to make you happy and yall can interact without alcohol involved.
Ok, so I am what you would called a happy drunk and people get weird when I stopped drinking cause its as if I’m the life of the party. And no one can see it as a problem because it hasn’t really effected me financially or relationship wise, my family is well looked after.
It’s just something I have decided to do for me and to not pass down to my son as drinking as a good pass time.
I have noticed in life homeless people who drink on the street are alcoholics, but a man that owns a buisness or works hard for a living sitting at a bar with a glass of wine and a pint of beer is fun or acceptable because that person has money and is functioning.
In my eyes there is no difference from the homeless man or the wealthy man they both have a drinking problem.
I dunno the world is so fucked up. If you earn a living drink every night wake up go to work your doing no harm, if you can’t function with alcohol your a fuck up.
My wife still drinks. It is hard and frustrating sometimes but she doesn’t have the issues I do with alcohol. It didn’t seem fair to me to ask her not to drink. She fully supports my decision to quit drinking.
Welcome @Daphnecat
Great choice choosing sobriety and Great choice getting in our boat! We’re all in the same one! Stay here, we will help you and you can help us. I also live with a problem drinker who hasn’t got a problem! What’s hard for me and also for you is doing our sobriety while they do whatever they do. I don’t know the answer…all I know is how awful my life is when I drink. I’m not going to drink again. Period. How my relationship with my wife will pan out/change/develop…thats a wait n see thing…but I can’t and won’t drink anymore. Challenges are ahead, for me and you. One thing is sure…we’ll face them stronger, deal with them more effectively, get better outcomes by being sober. Stay here, reach out, listen, talk. There is so much experience and support here. Grab it, use it, cherish it.
Like so many of us on here we have to learn ourselves what a substance is doing to us.
You can’t change anyone else’s view only yours…
Alcohol is one of those drugs that seems harmless… Helps you unwind on the evening, aids you to sleep when you can’t, masks the anxiety and insecurities you have, it slowly becomes a silent friend and when you have the insight like so many of us recovery addicts have we wish we could just pass that knowledge on so easily but like the many addicts before us and after us… ‘I know best’ is always present.
I am glad your voice is here mister and I’m sorry that your recovery hasn’t rubbed off on your wife but your voice here means alot to many.
It may never be an issue for your wife in her eyes… She is not doing any harm… Maybe it will take her being pulled and not reliasing she might have drank the night before but she is still over the limit… All you can be is you and keep going in your recovery as your growth may just one day be needed for your wife and you’ll be there armoured with the skills that you can easily share with her…
Thanks everyone. He called and asked if I was at the bar. It was nice to say no, I was not.
I think he could tell I was annoyed so he cleaned the kitchen. Lol. So now I feel like an asshole.
I made some art when I got home and felt much better. This morning waking up fresh, I am glad I just took a break and not a drink. Looking forward to a good day.
Right there with ya sister. My husband is a fun drunk and our neighbors next door are as well. Im odd man out, which is fine. But it sure makes our sobriety harder, not easier, and it is more than okay to say that. For me, this is a path my husband isnt supporting or going along with me and it is what it is. Like you, this is something I have to do. How much of a fork in the road it is for our relationships is secondary. Good luck!
Because of my wonderful addicted children, who put me, and themselves, through hell, I did a lot of
Al-Anon work to keep my sanity. And it’s coming in handy once again.
