Feeling depressed

So when I was using, I started to use to numb myself. See I have been with my husband for almost 12 years. We are high school sweethearts. But he started to get angry and was verbally and emotionally abusive. So I cheated on him. I tried leaving him and he kept saying no. I knew if I cheated he would leave. Well he found out and it was bad of course but we agreed to work it out and we both we could help. I went to rehab for 37 days and while I was there I had to deal with him being emotional and stuff and angry. I tried focusing on me and the program as much as I can. He went to counseling. So when I got home things were good for a little while. Now that he isn’t yelling and stuff at me. But I am depressed because I can’t Have my old best friends. They were involved in me cheating and he is mad they didn’t stop me even tho they tried it told him. They didn’t want to get involved. So now I miss them all the time. Their kids call me auntie. Well when he asks me what is wrong or why I am depressed it’s mostly because of that and I have stress about my job, meetings, my relationship. I am always on the go. I have a hard time making new friends like he wants me to. But he gets mad when I tell him what’s wrong. I just isolate myself to my bedroom except for work and meetings. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to use to numb myself I can’t tho. I feel like I am just fucking everything up.