So, my husband is drunk right now, for the third night in a row. He can’t cope with any stress or anxiety without getting something that will alter the chemicals in his brain. Our 2 oldest kids have special needs, and they can be tough to handle on a good day. They have insane melt downs, they don’t listen, they hurt each other, and in general it is tough to motivate them. My oldest basically feels unloved from the one parent, so he turns up the shit behaviours x1000 because he feels like any attention is good attention at this point. Today my husband told me he feels like he has nothing good in his life (job, me, house, kids included) and that he’s so depressed he’s not sure he can take it anymore. I offered him an out (while hiding my tears) and told him if he feels like separating for his own mental health, to have the kids half time then I would support that. At this point I feel like he is traumatizing our kids (they feel and hear every aspect of his discontent) so it might be the best for them in the long run. My husband is emotionally turned off, he’s not a warm individual, and we tried marriage/ family counselling and it hasn’t changed him one bit. He literally asked our therapist what it means to have a “connection” with someone because he genuinely doesn’t know. I’m starting to wonder if he is also somewhere on the autism spectrum and maybe I just didn’t realize it until now. Tonight he told our 6 year old to “go fuck yourself” because he was drinking and irritated. Now that I’m sober my heart is literally breaking for us all, him included. I really don’t know what to do 
I’m so sad and sorry to hear that. I don’t know exactly what your feeling, but from what you described I was there. I think I had stretches where I was on both sides of the situation. The disconnected depressed husband, and also the one trying to hold together a failing marriage.
I can tell you this… drinking didn’t solve anything for me, it made everything a thousand times worse. The only one that is responsible for your happiness is you! That was the toughest thing I had to take responsibility for. I couldn’t let anyone influence my happiness but me; including wife, kids or my job. I know that sounds difficult to comprehend and/or even process.
I can’t offer you advice, but I can tell you things will get better if you do what’s best for you.
my heart is breaking for you. Marriage is hard on anyone but it sounds like you have a few additional stressors. Hang in there and do what is best for yourself and your kids, whatever that is.
Hey there - I don’t have a magic answer, but I’m here. I hear the sadness, the heartbreak in your words. There is no isolation quite like being married and mired in loneliness.
As you know, kids with special needs require so much emotional and physical energy. It doesn’t sound like your husband is much of a help. What supports do you have? What do you need to go forward and stay sober?
He’s going to do nothing good tonight. Try to distance yourself and your kids from him. Will you be able to have a conversation about tonight when he is sober tomorrow?
Ultimately,your happiness and wellbeing - and that of your children - is paramount. Deciding on what that looks like and making it happen is hard. But know that you have friends here who support you and believe in you.
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I’m so sorry to hear that you are all going through this, I can’t tell you what to do, only you can really decide I can only give advice. With everything that your children are hearing and witnessing it really isn’t fair and damaging. It only takes them to say something in school and the state will be involved then the decision is out of your hands. Take me as an example, I was the drinker in my house, and because of the way I acted I unfortunately caught one of my children in the eye by accident, I called social services myself and now we are on a plan with them, I’m lucky I didn’t loose my children because of this, my saving grace is that I did not try and hide it, if your children say something and you haven’t it will appear that you are hiding it and not acting in a protective manner, I am sure that is not the case because you have come forward on here, but you have to understand it from the states point of view, you will burn yourself out trying to get your husband in a good place, he has drunk so often he’s probably in deep depression but he needs to sort himself out, putting a distance between you maybe for the better or he could get worse, you can’t really think about that you have to put the children and you first
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. My situation is a bit different, but I can relate. Separating what you need as a sober individual from your family unit is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But it was necessary for my sobriety and sanity. My now ex, is a severe binge drinker. Any kind of stress, anger, happiness or anxiety triggers him to drink. Our situation is different yet similar because of the kids. My step daughter felt no love from her father, and in turn took it out on me. I had to remove myself from the situation, even though it wasn’t what I wanted to do.
I am by no means telling you what to do, but working on yourself should come first. You can’t be the best you, you can be with all this going on. You can’t control him. You can only control yourself by doing what is best for those beautiful children of yours!
My heart breaks for you darling, please message me if you want to talk more!
Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me. I really didn’t have anyone to talk to/ talking to either of our families will just stress them out. I think I will give it a few weeks until he is done school (he’s so stressed right now) and see how things go. If they don’t get better then I will need to re evaluate. Thanks again for all of your wisdom and kind words ️