So a few months ago me and my husband moved to a new state. Luckily I was able to keep my job and so I remotely work from home. I don’t know anyone except my husbands family but they are about an hr away so I can’t go over every day. Sometimes I don’t leave the house for days on end and even if I did leave most things are shut down. I workout everyday virtually so I do have some people contact. I think my issue I’m trying to get around to is that I’m trying to talk to my husband about my feelings (about just life and feeling lonely) and I just don’t feel validated. He says I’m being needy and all I want to do is talk and he has nothing to talk about.
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These are really worth buying and reading. My SO and I have been reading a chapter or part of a chapter a week then discussing on Sundays how it applies to us specifically. We finished the book about women and were on the men one now.
I think every guy could benefit from reading the book on women. I think it could help him get why you need to talk about things. The best book on women that I own, to be honest.
If you’re a reader, I recommend buying and reading both yourself. You can get them used on Amazon. Not sure if you were looking for advice or not, but figured I’d throw this out there just in case.
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When we first got married almost 7 years ago I bought The five love languages and he read the first chapter and never picked it up again. I’m not really sure what I’m looking for with this post either. Just trying to do something other than go get a bottle
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Hi Jennifer, I work from home too… Recently because of COVID, but previously I worked from home for 5 years. It was really isolating. And I recently moved about an hour from my main contact with IRL people. I’m worried about it too…
What do you do for exercise? I need to get back into a routine of movement.
What do you do for your sobriety?
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Truthfully on sobriety I’m just trying to make it day to day. I read, started the adult coloring thing (it’s more stressful than one would think) and workout.
I workout with a company called Camp Gladiator. It’s a virtual zoom meeting. I did their program IRL when I lived in Texas
That’s fair and definitely a better option. I’ve read the five love languages too, it’s good, but this one is much more about the ways women work specifically. It’s hard to explain. Like, for example, men have everything in boxes mentally, so they have a ‘love room’, for example; where as women have a whole ‘love house’. It is part of everything they do. It’s not the same for men. Not saying they don’t love at all times, but things are less intertwined like for women.
Anyway, they’re pretty good. I don’t recommend very many relationship books, but these I recommend to everyone. Even if a dude is gay, he can benefit because he’s still going to have sisters, mother, etc., and it gives great insight into why women do certain things.
Anyway, regardless, I hope you’re able to work things out so that you can get what you need to feel validated.
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Speaking as a husband who has a lot of in depth conversations with his wife about her emotions and his emotions and their relationship’s status as a whole - and who’s been attending marriage counselling with his wife as needed of and on for years, because we’re both pretty stubborn and a professional outside perspective helps -
I’d say he needs to learn concrete strategies of communication. He needs to understand these are measurable and that he needs to learn them the same way he needs to learn to stickhandle if he plays hockey (or whatever sport he likes, assuming he’s a sports guy).
Communication in a marriage is a skill. It is essential for a healthy marriage. Learning it is not optional.
Many men are raised (and often trained) in transactional communication: this is what you get, this is what I get. Done? Good.
Men are in general not expected to use, or trained in, the non-transactional, empathetic, validating communication that is important for committed, intimate relationships. These skills include:
- empathetic listening (“It sounds like you feel ____. Is that right?”)
- I-statements (“When I see [measurable behaviour, non-debatable thing] I feel [statement of emotion].”)
There are many others. These are the kinds of things you learn in marriage counselling.
First: I hear you and support you. Whatever the content of your discussion, the fact you’re feeling unheard and unseen means something is off.
I would say approach this the same way an athlete approaches training for a match: find a coach (or at least a mentor) - a marriage counsellor is ideal - and get to work. You’re both on the same team and need to be ready to play the game of life, successfully.
If he resists, communicate calmly, clearly, and assertively: I have objectively valid, research-supported needs that are not being met by the current norms in this relationship. This is a problem that affects both of us. Our marriage is important to you, and I am important to you. This is what I need from you: ___.
Then state some measurable thing.
I’m sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. Marriage takes work - lord do I know that! - but there is joy in the work, for both partners. You’ll both get something out of it 
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When I started working my sobriety by attending a group in my city last year, I said to my wife that I needed her, needed her to attend a group for spouses of addicts in recovery. She did not see a need for it at the time. She does appreciate it very much now, and sees our relationship in new ways.
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I really wish everyone could communicate like this… Great advice Matt!
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So much of this hits home. You basically explained how I’m feeling better than I did lol. I know it’s work especially as people change and grow through life. I’m just not even sure some of the things you mentioned he would be down to do. Like counseling
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Yeah - tell that son of a bitch he’d better get his head in the game or he’s gonna be benched.
All kidding aside: I’m not kidding when I say you need to make it crystal clear what the stakes are. This is essential for your marriage. Is our marriage important? Yes? Then we need to do ____. (Give it another name if it helps. Doesn’t make one goddamn bit of difference. Call it “coaching” if it helps.
If you do not stand up and steer the ship a bit in your marriage here, it will be death by a thousand cuts for you. It will erode your sense of connection and eventually 10-20 years from now you’ll still feel hollow and isolated - and you’ll be drained. (These are the type of circumstances that create the conditions for affairs, whether they’re physical, or emotional.) That doesn’t have to happen.
Women in general have a much better sense for these things. This is what men need to see and appreciate about women. There is nothing wrong with you standing up and taking the space you deserve, when you know what the score is: I know this shit, this is what’s off, and this is what we need to do.
(This ties into a broader challenge facing many women: the hesitation to rock the boat. Rock that boat sister. It’s your life, and it’s 50% your marriage. Make your voice heard. It’s important for your health.)
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I let myself get a little forceful with my language there. I hope I haven’t gone too far. The language I used is more in line with the kind of language I use in my working environment, which can be a little unrefined at times.
I don’t know your husband as well as you do, but if he’s the kind of guy who can handle a bit of punchy language, I would (myself) say the same thing to his face.
It won’t be me doing the talking though. I didn’t want to be unhelpful above, and if it was, I apologize - and please let me know what I could do that would be more helpful. Thanks!
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Yea I need to be comfortable with the boat rocking. I think it’s just hard because I’m not avoiding my feelings by pushing them down with whiskey. Thank you for your advice
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Nothing like sobriety to make life crystal clear right? 
This is one of those significant learning experiences you would have missed if you were still in the bottle. In a way this is actually something good: whatever happens as a result of you taking action here, will be better than you avoiding your life. So the only outcome that would be a failure would be doing nothing.
Have faith in that. You know something needs to happen. Take some action, no matter how seemingly small. The universe will guide you & you’ll see results if you stick with it
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Hi again Jennifer, I was thinking about your situation this morning. You know - you can ask him to do it for you. There are things he does for you already, which he doesn’t see a need for and wouldn’t do otherwise (I certainly do some things for my wife I don’t myself see a need for. Sometimes I only understand it after I start. Sometimes I still don’t understand it. But if it isn’t harmful to me, I keep doing it, just for her.)
Even if he does things like buy you chocolates or flowers - that’s a good simple example. Does he need to do that? Of course not! He chooses to go out of his way to buy those things and spend money he could be spending on other things, because he sees it brings a smile to your eyes. Or if he helps one of your friends out when they’re in a jam. If you didn’t ask him, he wouldn’t know, and he wouldn’t have done anything.
Many men do things for their spouse just because their spouse looks at them and says: Do this for me. (This is a wife’s superpower. Please, for the sake of all husbands, don’t abuse it. It’s our Kryptonite.)
He may not see a need for anything like counseling or therapy or some other “softie relationship communication” stuff. But you would be totally fine saying, “Honey, I know you don’t want to do it. I hear you. I’m asking you to do it anyway, for me. It’s important for me. I found ____. It’s 10 sessions. I’d like to attend with you.” It may be easier for him to attend if it’s a group event - many clinics offer group marriage training, etc; he may find it easier to accept when he sees the other husbands that are there.
You can ask him to do it for you. Do you think he’d be more receptive in that way?
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Thank you for continuing to think on this. I shall say it like this. We had a short conversation last night but it was basically me saying we need to work on communication because most of the time when I’m just talking he says I’m complaining or nagging. Granted I do that also but most of the time I’m just talking whether it’s about the weather or my feelings I just want to be listened to. I did bring up counseling but he thinks it will be too expensive, so it wasn’t a no.
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Also I feel like it should be noted that in the 10 years we have been together (dating and married) I’ve been a drunk. So this is new area for both of us. Me have to actually feel my feelings and learning to deal with them and him along for the new ride lol
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I hear you Yeah things change for our significant others when we start taking sobriety seriously. For us too. We start exploring who we are and what our lives are without running away from them. It’s exhilarating but also intimidating.
I’m happy to hear you spoke with him. That took courage and even if he didn’t say it directly, I’m sure he felt it too and will remember it.
Take care and never give up. You’re a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where she can be her full self. Wishing you progress in this part of your journey
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