Hi all, this is my first post. I’m a 54 year old single female living in Barossa Valley, South Australia. A major wine region, I work in a winery, ha. Since my early twenties I’ve been an alcoholic/binge drinker/alcohol abuser. I’ve lost countless friends, family have very little to do with me, been demoted, ruined my reputation and lost all my self worth. I haven’t had a drink in over 14 months. Before this I had only had one sober episode, in 2002-2003 for 15 months, this came to a halt when I thought I could have just one glass of wine with dinner. Next day it was one bottle of wine and from there on it was full blown drinking. I’m feeling like failure is about to happen, again. My mind has been telling me I’m “cured”, ‘you can have just one’, ‘you won’t go back to where you were’ etc. I struggle with social anxiety in fact anxiety over everything. During these sober months I have avoided all social interactions because I just can’t do it sober. I truly hate myself. I often think about ending my life, every day a track plays through my mind of what a horrible loser I am. I have no one to talk to, I trust no one, and I’ve been doing this sober thing on my own with no support. In the past I have seen psychologists, doctors, councellors but have felt it was a waste of time and money. What I miss most about drinking is that it numbs my feelings, makes me relax and stops the non stop play list of self loathing. I am surrounded by alcohol all day at work and the temptation to sneak a drink was so overwhelming yesterday I almost did. Leaving my job is not really an option. It’s almost impossible to find full-time employment for someone my age and I do not have a partner to financially assist if I were to leave and start again in a different industry. I am currently on anti-anxiety medication, I exercise a lot, eat healthy, am very fit, yet I still feel lower and lower every day. I often feel this is all too painful. Thanks for reading.
Hey there. Fellow aussie here, I’m up in Qld. Wow you’ve got an awful lot, emotionally, going on that you’re dealing with every day. Must be exhausting for you 
. 14mths is absolutely astounding though. Awesome work! I unfortunately just reset after 5wks and the longest I’ve ever gone,so far, is 3mths so in my eyes you’re pretty much a superhero 
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God Day 14 months thats great well done ,dont know if there is a meeting near you give you back up help you through rough times get phone numbers not for everyone but they might help , was out in Aus couple years ago round most of the cities , think my name sake has a wee winery out there lol wish you well
Hi there I have gone through all the emotions that you are feeling even thoughs of ending it all I know it not easy to keep fighting but it is worth the energy to continue good luck.
Congratulations on 14 month. I know its hard im Struggling as you . Deeling with hard emotìons amd feelings and when i drank all was nom but we have to look on the pain that alcohol brings and good things sobriety brings .
I had those same thoughts and gave in. By far the hardest thing in the world is getting back on a sober path. Don’t test the water!!!
Sounds to me like you need to be treated for anxiety and depression. Alcohol will give you a fake sense of social confidence, but like you said, if you have lost friends and your reputation over it, is it really worth it? I would seek professional help from a psychcologist, family doctor, counsellor, etc and see what they think. Maybe you need to be on medication for anxiety. I was on it for a year, and could eventually wean myself off of them. The reason you might be feeling so low is because of the legacy alcohol has left behind in your life. Basically like trauma! I find it helpful taking to a professional, but that’s just me 