Yeah that’s the hardest part. Know exactly what you mean. It feels very isolating at times but I’m glad I have you guys
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I’m brand new to board but I know how you feel. I’ve gone 3-4 weeks staying sober during the week, only to fail on weekend despite wanting NOT to start over again. For me, the problem is I kinda get away with it (no tragedies- yet!) but it’s so stressful the mental anguish. I should get back to meetings but too embarrassed to pick up the white chip again. I have no choice but to try again. 
I’ve almost got day one in the books. Best of luck to both of us.
Yes the beating yourself up after falling off track is the worst for me. Takes days to get my mind right again. You’d think that would be enough sometimes to make someone stop drinking or whatever the case is but nope! Unfortunately that’s not how it works I guess. Usually once I feel better the bad feelings and guilt I felt the weekend before are long forgotten about and I’m back to square one but not this time!! This is the first time I’ve felt TRULY at peace with my decision to quit. We can do this!! 
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I relate to this. I work hard; I “deserve” a reward, don’t I? But I’ve got to get beyond the moment and realize I’m only causing myself harm. My problem is my kids kept me sober for years and now they are older and don’t need me around so it’s part out of loneliness. It’s weird how mentally entertained a few drinks can make me. But reality is a bitch when I have to face world again. Argh.
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I had the opposite problem. I started drinking way more once I had kids to cope with the stress and anxiety and pressure of home life. I thought that it made me a more “relaxed parent” but it ended up causing negligence and a very hungover me the next morning- then I still had to parent! It was a vicious cycle.
Everytime I use my doc “mom guilt” is all i have… Even while using. Now I use that feeling as a reminder of why I dont use. Its to the point i dont even enjoy it… So why do it right? Head up. Day by day. Thats all I tell myself. You are not alone on this feeling.
You haven’t failed if you keep trying 