So I’m 10 days sober and I’m feeling hopeless. I’m not sure if it’s being sober or if it is just my reality catching up to me. I’m not happy in my life right now, I feel like I have a monotonous routine. I have been married for 5 years, and we have 3 kids together. I’m always busy, whether it is at home or work. My husband told me recently that I stopped “taking care” of him. When we first met I used to cook, clean, take his clothes off after work, and pretty much make sure he was comfortable. After the kids I just don’t have the energy to do it, and it really made me feel bad. I have to ask him to help out because he just assumes I will take care of everything. And sometimes I’m scared to because he throws a big temper tantrum to the point of where I just don’t even ask questions to risk it. Does anyone have any advice? I’m not giving up, just sincerely trying to change. Thanks
how many kids do you have? 4?
I could have written this myself. I have been married 7 years and I have 3 kids under 4 years old. I also work full time. I use pain pills to give me energy to “do it all”.
Damn. I only know how to answer this buntly and don’t want to step on toes. I had had a similar talk with my brother on this subject. He works almost 80 hours a week while his wife works 3-4. When he gets home after a 12 hour day, he cooks, does the dishes, gets the 4 kids bathed and ready for bed. Makes lunches in the morning, gets the kids up, then goes to work. He says he’s happy to do it, but I’m like "It doesn’t matter if your happy to do it, a person can only do so much for so long. A marriage is a partnership, and both partners should feel an obligation to help the other. If it’s all one sided, that’s not a marriage. Plus, your an adult, you shouldn’t have to be taken care of. You don’t live with mom. If you ask for help, that’s not the end of the world and you shouldn’t have to ask for help anyways. If the other partner is throwing a fit because you ask for help, it sounds like they have some growing up to do.
Proving chivalry is not dead since 1992!
Strongly agree with Jim-- you already have a couple kids to take care of, you don’t need another one. Throwing a tantrum because you’re unable to assist him with the things an adult should be able to do for themselves is laughable. Not to mention-- the first weeks of sobriety are so much work. You are doing everything you normally do, plus going through detox and trying to stay sober. I’m going to repeat what others have told me a few times-- it’s okay to prioritize your sobriety. Do what you need to do to stay sober. It’s normal to feel absolutely terrible and hopeless. It’s normal to feel a lot of things, and nobody experiences early sobriety the same. But you do deserve to feel some support from the people close to you, and if they won’t help-- check out an AA meeting if you’re comfortable with that. Lots of folks that you can depend on for support. Or at least come here and vent on the forum!
Thanks for all of the advice. We have 3 kids together. All under 4 years old. I’ve started working out and becoming friends with one of my workout partners so that kind of helps. I am very careful not to vent to another guy about him though, I don’t really think it’s fair to do that in a marriage when the other person is not there to defend themselves. Anyways, I’m going to try to talk to him but honestly he has been blowing off everything I say. He says it’s all in my head which makes me feel insane. I tried to tell him why I’m not happy but he just shrugs it off.
Try to prioritise your sobriety. You matter. With a clear head you will be able to put your point across effectively and see with clarity how your partner responds.
I find at work I get a little further with people when it is their idea… Maybe you could start with apologizing for not meeting his expectations (only for his sake) then tell him you are very stressed and are trying to figure out how to get everything done. You could make a list of things that need to get done in a day, show him what you are dealing with and hopefully he could take a couple things off your plate. My husband has moments where he does feel bad for himself because I’m not June cleaver and he doesn’t have the old fashioned lifestyle where women do all the work at home… but it’s impossible working over 40, having 3 kids (so do i) and keeping up a house. it’s been a big conflict here, as well.