Feelings of shame are gone

One huge thing I’ve gained in my last 67 days of sobriety (and counting!) is not feeling shame. Such a tremendous relief.
Whenever I would drink at home alone at night to hide my loneliness I could never pick up the phone if it rang, because “what if they could tell? Am I slurring my words? Am I talking too fast and too loud? Am I even making sense? They can never know I sit here like a pathetic loser, drinking the night away.”
And when I was out drinking with friends or collegues and talking fast and loud, I’d always think “they think I’m an idiot for saying that, they can tell that I’m tipsy and an idiot.”
Now when I am sober, on the other hand, if I say something that falls flat, I just think - “Hey, they didn’t get that reference, too bad. Or maybe that joke was a little unbaked, oh well. If I’m loud right now it’s because I’m nervous and that’s totally normal, hey - I don’t have to speak all the time, I’ll just be quiet for a couple of minutes, let someone else have the floor.”

And it’s so much better! I don’t blame myself, I don’t shame myself, I am totally okay with not being the funniest or the most clever in the room, which was all drunk-me wanted. At all costs.
I don’t like parties; thought I couldn’t get through them without a drink in my hand. Now I realize that the drink didnt help me relax at parties, it just helped me not feel uncomfortable in the situation. Now, when I am uncomfortable I just focus on why I’m there, “You’re doing this for your nephew, hang in there, I know you don’t like it but at least you are not saying stupid shit that you’ll feel bad about in the morning, hey - go clean up in the kitchen, that’ll give you something to do” and so you can find me in the kitchen at most parties. Or ducking out early.

Also, being sober means I remember how the movie I watched last night ended (the butler did it!)
Being sober means less hiding, less shame, less blame, less puking.
These are all good things.

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Thank you for posting this. Really inspiring.

Thanks for sharing! It does and keeps getting better. Glad you’re here!

This post gave me hope!! Thank you :heart:

Absolutely! I woke up so many mornings (with a headache) thinking about what I said, feeling guilt/shame about what I did. I read a Facebook post once that was from a “new age” site and what it said was that when people are under the influence their souls leave their bodies and are taken over by demons. Now I feel that is correct in a metaphorical sense. I drank initially because it made me more talkative/open/less shy: have more fun etc…but all of those experiences were fake. It wasn’t the real ME saying those things or acting that way. The guilt came from over sharing and saying things I knew I should not say but did due to the alcohol and not being myself. I feel the same way now that I am not drinking I may not be perfect but I am always ME and feel no shame in that. Thank you for sharing :heart:

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Thank you for sharing, stay firm and strong

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I seriously could have written this myself. Amazing- keep it up! You have obviously done a lot of reflecting on the WHY you drank in the first place… that’s awesome because not a lot of people do in the beginning. Isn’t it amazing remember the end of movies? And not second guessing yourself at every function? Trying to self monitor for how drunk you are can be tiring and consuming, until you’re so drunk you don’t care anymore and then you just hear about it the next day. cue shame here
Been there, done that!
Keep on being awesome :heart:

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This is almost too familiar to me, it’s like you took my thoughts out of my head:) I so understand this and thank you so much for posting! I needed to read something like this tonight. I just started a new job and we get a shift drink after our shift ends. I got offered one and said no thanks. The cravings were really strong and all I could think about going home was having that drink. This made me reminded of why I’m doing this… to be able to remember that last part of the movie and to not have the anxiety and shame.

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Thank you for sharing your story! Congratulations with your sober days, we both quit in almost the same time. This is day 73 for me.

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What prompted it, your quitting? Care to share your story?

I still think back to my drinking days with regret. But, in a way it keeps me going. I haven’t had much regrets since.

I do not quit understand the meaning of prompted :blush: I’m Dutch. Do you mean the reason I stopped drinking or something else?

I think she means what led you to stop drinking. A realization, event, life circumstance, or something that brought the issue to the forefront of your life.

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Thank you @ifs! Glad to have you around!

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I am a problem drinker since a was 25 years old a guess (50 now)
Stopped drinking when I was pregnant. When I stopped brestfeeding I started to drink again. I was not a huge drinker that days, but I noticed my alcohol free days were days I was irritated and feeling bored. After a while those alcohol free days become less and I started to drink more and almost every day. I tried to moderate, but I couldn’t handle it. If I took one, I took them all.
I had blackouts, sex without knowing I had it (with my husband :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:), forgot conversations I had with my kids, huge hangovers, sick days, buying stuff I don’t need, you name it!
I was sick of being sick, sick of being dependant on alcohol. I want to be a better example for my kids. So at 18 september when I finished a bottle of wine my cat walked by and trew the empty glass on the floor. I took it as a sign: no more!
And that’s why and how I quit.

Today 75 days sober :heart:

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Shift drink??? Is that allowed? I mean legal?

Oh I’m not sure of the legal part of it but most restaurants I have worked at offer a shift drink and a meal. It’s actually a pretty nice offer. Kind of the owners way of saying thank you. So far I have been able to stick with just the meal. We are allowed to have a fancy bottled soda instead of alcohol if wed like. I tried real hard to get out of the industry just to get away from the temptation but the money is too good and it’s all ove been doing for the last eleven years of my life.

I can definitely relate to this. Using alcohol to feel confident just ended up with me embarrassing myself and feeling worse.

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