yesterday i talked to my mom for the first time in almost 4 years. shes been staying in a transitional housing facility for homeless addicts for the past 3 weeks. It took me those 3 weeks to work up the courage to call her. it was awful. i mean Im glad i did because i wanted her to know that i care and am glad that shes getting the help she needs, i was scared if no one called she might give up. but it was immensely hard for me to even just hear how her voice is and immediately flooded with old memories. shes lost most of her mind as well, major memory problems and her voice is broken. she doesnt remember the awful things she did to our family before disappearing. completely erased. so how can i be upset. i dont know. anyway i tried so hard not to pick up a beer after that. i was literally shaking because my nerves were shot after getting off the phone and it didnt help that i was all out of smokes and my husband fled to the bar and left me home with the kids, didnt come home til 11… i lasted only about an hour after that. im so upset with myself. this is my 4th timer reset since joining. I want to quit this so bad but i keep getting pulled into it to numb me… i dont know what to do. so its another morning of self loathing and regret. I disgust myself. and Im angry. i guess i just needed to vent. so thank you for being here
If you can find an AA meeting and get a sponsor. Someone you can call when the urges rush over you. Glad your still here hang in there.
thank you very much. I have tried AA in the past but I wasnt really a fan of it because of how heavily Christian based it is. If there were something similar nearby without all the God stuff Id totally be down. I just find it distracting for me. i wish i could get past that part
Try smart recovery or refuge recovery awesome book along with the four agreements i use to struggle with that as well . todays different , my mother is a trigger for me as well. Some people even family has to be cut off or distanced . if i talked to my mother daily or visited id struggle as well and at risk for relapse do to her prescriptions she gets . stay strong and build support within the program it does work . i do n a now use to do a a and wasnt my cup of tea . ill pray for u
thank you. and im sorry to hear you have issues with your mother as well. i appreciate your kind words and recommendations. Ill look into that!
The 4 agreements that @Rodney_HAtaway suggested is a seriously great book, every time I read it I get something new out of it! It may help you.
Something that I totally understand is being disappointed in our parents doing this to themselves and still we manage to follow in their footsteps with addictions. We have to find a way to break those chains to show our kids there is a different way to live without it. Keep trying something new, doing whatever it takes to be be sober today. 
Wish you the best love!
thank you very much. my moms main issue is mental illness plus alchoholism. she has DID and stopped taking her meds so she could drink. then all hell broke loose. she started having extremely grandiose behaviors which got her into a lot of trouble with the law. and at one point she even broke into my house and tried to abduct my son. its been so long that my son doesnt even remember who she was and my daughter was only a baby at the time so she has no idea. Whenever I bring up my mother they are legitimately confused at the fact that I even have one. I know what happened to her would not happen to me but I know that booze had a big role to play in that. and that is something I really need to break. my whole life she showed me that booze was what you took for pain, any and all, to numb herself…and i do not want my kids to ever learn that from me. the thought is terrifying
I hear you. I use the term higher power and that works for me.
Have you tried talking to your husband about that? You guys are married which means youre a team. In my opinion he shouldn’t be going out to bars if youre a recovering alcoholic. Thats just a recipe for relapse.
I can relate with you.
My mother and I have a strained relationship as well. She was incredibly abusive when I was a child, and now as an adult has zero memory of those occurances. While unfortunate, I recognized if she was unable to recall those things, then, they in turn didn’t happen in her universe no matter how real they were to me. Which left it my responsibility to understand that. Forgive and move forward.
I’m sorry to hear you slipped, I’m also sorry to hear your husband went to the bar as opposed to being there for you in that time. However your recovery is your responsibility. I know. It sucks. But embracing the suck and dealing with things on your own will only make you a stronger person!!
You got this.
We are all here to support you! 