I am working on day 4 of no alcohol. It’s exhausting and scary.
I have been drinking heavily since my grandmother passed three years ago. This is the longest I’ve been without a drink. She raised me and was more of a mother than anyone else, it was devastating to lose her.
My own mother had me when she was only 15. I have watched her struggle with one addiction after the next since I can remember. My father, also an addict. The things I’ve seen and experienced are what have kept me motivated to be a good person. I have my own children now. I want the carefree life for them that every child deserves.
I am successful and I have a beautiful family. No one would ever guess what I went through as a child. Better yet, would they know that I am now a functioning alcoholic.
It is scary how much liquor I was putting in my body every night. My tolerance had grown so strong to alcohol that I wouldn’t even feel the buzz until I was blackout drunk. The wake up call was when I began waking up to my heart pounding, out of breath and shaking. I am wrecking the one body I have.
The past three days have been hard, to say the least. Headaches, angry, anxiety, depressed. But, I am going to do this. Tomorrow I will wake up again without my heart racing and I will continue to be the best person I know how to be. I can do this.
Wow! I have so many similarities to your story 
️ The last three days have been so tough at certain moments. I have resolved to failing many times but have kept going. My spouse drinks a lot and that’s a tough dynamic to maneuver. Last night I even convinced myself we should try a system of moderation together instead of me being completely alcohol free. But that instinct and anxiety kicked in…if I have it at all, it’s always the focus. Even if it’s when I can have it next…
I have tried moderation so many times and always failed. That one drink always turned into another and another. Maybe one day I will try again but no time soon. My spouse and I had this conversation last night. We are going to a concert tomorrow night and I know it will be a struggle. He was saying one night wouldn’t hurt, but I know it will. I have to learn how to have fun again without alcohol.
You are so strong and brave to admit your problems and to seek help. My story sounds a lot like yours. I was a functional alcoholic, but my disease was killing me inside. This forum has been such a huge source of support. There are several older threads dealing with surviving those first rough days. Just use the search box if you are interested in finding them. I:m so glad you are here. You are right - you CAN do this!
Thanks @MoCatt! It’s crazy how so much can improve in three days…my kids seem happier, I’m catching up on life, my appearance has improved and yet it’s so easy to go back to thinking, I’ll be fine with some 
I was even upset about not drinking before leaving before work. The universe gave me a gift…I had a surprise review from the owner of my company and manager and I was so grateful to have had a clear head ️ This is the right choice 
Thank you @MoCatt. This is my first post, but I’ve been reading others’ over the past couple days. It does help and I’m so glad I’ve found this safe place. As hard as it’s been, I know it is worth it.
It took me a long time to realize that, for a normal drinker, one night won’t hurt. For an alcoholic (at least one like me), one night gets me right back to being a full blown disaster. It keeps me stuck in a cycle of self-loathing, feeling incapable of making healthy decisions. It keeps me feeling like a failure. It keeps me from living life. For me, it’s not a night of fun. It’s a concert I won’t remember…an argument I will needlessly cause…it’s the reality of being unavailable to parent my children as I should…it’s the inevitable physical and emotional hangover of the next day - and hateing myself when I look at my puffy, tired face in the mirror.
It’s so not worth it. I am so thankful not to have to live that life anymore. Neither do you❤.
Sending so much love & support from a fellow 4th day-er. I recently lost my grandma as well and understand how the mourning process can strain and surface habits. You are doing so well taking care of yourself and will continue to receive more and more gifts from this. The anger and anxiety will subside, and you’ll have the freedom to replace them with your wildest dreams. I know how hard it is to fight something so ingrained, progressive, and practically instinctual (a lot of addiction in my bloodline too) but you’ve got this. Thank you for sharing your story- I was off in my head today and relating so much to you helped bring me back. Stay in touch and take good care 
I can absolutely identify with your story, my body was definitely starting to feel poisoned, in recovery I learned I was poisoning it.