Figuring out death

This is day 1 for me again. Last time, I decided to delicately step off the wagon. I was doing moderation like a champ. Nursing my drinks, stopping at 3, being the one to call it an early night and never drinking on a night before work. It felt good to be in control, and yet, not removed from it entirely. But then 3 people who were all around my age, and had been a significant part of my life at one time or another died. An old flame died in his sleep while he was travelling through Asia. Then my childhood best friend died from an epileptic seizure. Then my friend’s husband died from Cancer after a gruelling battle, before his newborn son reached one month. After the last one, I thought, “Fuck it. Life is too short.”

I’m not drinking daily, but when I do, the moderation button has been switched off. Instead, my mind is back to being this greedy, bottomless pit that just wants more and more and more and right now, damn it! The cravings come every 2-3 days, and I’ve managed to resist a few, but for the most part, I happily give in. The last few times I drank, I blacked out. This week, I’ve been having memory lapses in my sober life. This is not the life I want.

So back at it again. Sitting at work with one of those hangovers that gives you through-the-roof anxiety. Not feeling particularly confident I won’t relapse, if I’m being honest. Still between feeling like I need to make a change to better the quality of what life I have left, and feeling like life is so fucking short, so who gives a shit. But I’m going to try because more than the love I have for that happy buzz, I hate the hangovers, I hate the black outs, I hate the memory lapses and I hate the anxiety and depression that follows a binge drink. Life’s too short to be a waste case.

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Life’s too short to waste not being sober. I see this more clearly now than ever! Welcome back on the wagon.

For a little while at least. I hope you now realize that moderation isn’t a thing for us. You might be able to control it for a little bit, but in the end alcohol will always win.

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I’m sorry regarding your losses as well. They don’t make it easier, but we still don’t drink. No matter what.