I don’t know how many times I have realised I need to stop drinking. Here I am again and hoping this time I can conquer this devil inside me. My life and family is a complete mess because of addiction. Mine is alcohol. I have managed to lose almost everyone I love because of the drinking or I have to hide it. I make jokes about being a drunk. I have become completely pathetic. I am a wife, a mother, a grandmother and 42 yrs old and I still can’t get my shit together. And I don’t mean financially. My emotional state is all over the place, I have woke up from black outs that I apparently functioned through for hours. Its so humiliating. I have had some serious loses in the past 5 yrs, one tragedy just 3 yrs in March. That has become my excuse. I know I have to get my life together or I will lose my husband, our children are all adults. But I’m afraid of losing my kids too. They have seen me in rare form more than a few times. And I know I have lost their respect. They lived the last 5 yrs with the same losses and I can’t be there for them. I feel like such a failure. I have to stop drinking this time. I have to. I have been a what I call a functioning drunk since my teens, but now I’m just a sloppy drunk. I have tried to quit several times, my life has been pretty chaotic, and I always find a reason to drink. I have eliminated a few people that tend to bring a lot of the chaos. Trying to focus on me and find who I am and what I like, I was married the first time at 16, I have been with my current husband 19 yrs. I don’t think I ever got to know who I was…Well that’s it. Sorry if a rambled a little…Wish Me Luck! Cause this chic needs it! I got this!
There is always a reason to drink, that’s the easy way.
How did you try to become and stay sober in the past? Alone or did you go to a Dr. ? Did you try AA? Did you try to calm your chaotic life? Do you know the reasons why you again and again fall back into drinking?
Becoming and staying sober is hard work but it can be done 
Don’t give up, odaat.
I wish you luck and strength !
I am not in the best place right now but I will just say hang on, fight and don’t give up cause that’s what I need to do !
You can do this!! Thankfully your children are grown and you can focus on waking up sober, staying sober and going to bed sober. Rinse and repeat. I know it’s hard. I’ve tried so many times to live a sober life and I feel this time around it just may stick. Instead of trying to get sober, we need to just live sober lives.
I was sober for 8 months, about 5 yrs ago, I attended church and did 12 steps privately with someone at the church. Then I lost my mother unexpectedly in an outpatient surgery. Started drinking heavily, stopped church. Then got myself back together, my grandchild was born. She brought such joy back. So about 6 months later my daughters friends mother hi g herself. Her son, who was schizophrenic found her, came to me called 911, he told them she was alive, they instructed me to cut her down. She was already gone for a while. So then I was in therapy for ptsd did well for a while. Fast forward when my granddaughter was almost 2 yrs old. Her mother who was my sons girlfriend since they 13, was killed by a drunk driver, her friend. I was very close with her, she was like a daughter to me. She lived with me when my own son was not allowed at the house. After she was killed there was a rage that came out of me. And the anger I feel and pain is so overwhelming I just want to shove it down. So I believe thats why I drink at this point in my life.
You have been through a LOT. So it is no wonder you have been struggling. Do you see a therapist of any type. It seems to me like you have been self-medicating your mental health struggles with alcohol. Of course we all know this doesn’t actually help us. You need to get proper help so you don’t resort to alcohol.
Keep posting here. There is a lot of support here. You can do this. You can have joy in your life again. I know it. We all can.
Exactly my opinion. Whatever we go through, alcohol won’t help make it better
This is such a heartbreaking story. I am so sorry that you’ve had to go through all these situations. I’ve used alcohol a lot to try and cope with negative things in my life and all that’s resulted is more chaos. I understand the anger you are experiencing and the hurt. I am angry about alcohol. It’s nothing but poison packaged in attractive bottles and marketed to the masses as a magic elixir. Everything bad that’s ever happened in my life is directly related to alcohol. I’m angry that I fell for the lie and let it ruin my life. I’m still picking up the pieces. Use the anger you are feeling right now. Use it against the poison that we all know is capable of robbing us of our family, our marriages, our jobs, our lives, our self respect and dignity. Alcohol took your grandchild. Use that anger and choose not to partake of that poison that has caused so much heartbreak in your life. You are a good person. You deserve to live a life free of the suffering that alcohol/drug addiction brings. You are worth it! Hugs to you.