# Finding a sponsor is hard!
**URL:** https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359
**Category:** Life in Recovery
**Tags:** sponsor
**Created:** [June 20, 2023, 4:29pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359 "2023-06-20T16:29:06Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@JadaWaters](https://talkingsober.com/u/JadaWaters)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 4:29pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/1 "2023-06-20T16:29:06Z")
I’ve had alot of people offer to be my sponsor but it seems like they lack commitment or time or maybe its my bpd and im extra needy and clingy! I am extreme introvert too so that doesn’t help.
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### Author:  [@Ray\_M\_C\_Laren](https://talkingsober.com/u/Ray_M_C_Laren)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 4:30pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/2 "2023-06-20T16:30:13Z")
Over my years i have never aske anyone if i can sponsor them they all asked me …
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### Author:  [@JadaWaters](https://talkingsober.com/u/JadaWaters)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 4:42pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/3 "2023-06-20T16:42:54Z")
I’ve never offered to be anyone sponsor nor have i been asked. People have offered to be mine or they say i can talk to them but the conversation rarely lasts.
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### Author:  [@JadaWaters](https://talkingsober.com/u/JadaWaters)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 5:19pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/5 "2023-06-20T17:19:51Z")
Thats what i was thinking! Yeah it sounds like a wonderful thing to do but most people are not mentally prepared to take on that challenge. Heres an example. I started to a woman who was in AA, gone through detox and was planning ong becoming counselor for substance abuse, however she never texted me first and the only advice she gave me was to pray on it, which can be extremely dismissive.
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### Author:  [@J\_Lo\_Ste](https://talkingsober.com/u/J_Lo_Ste)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 5:32pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/7 "2023-06-20T17:32:27Z")
Working the plan
Their own plan
Has to be the primary basis of becoming a good sponsor and remaining a good sponsor.
There are no books or guideliness for being a sponsor much less a good sponsor.
.
I have many years of sobriety but that in itself doesn’t always mean i can be a good sponsor FOR YOUR ISSUES AND NEEDS
Search until you find THE SPONSOR that fits for you.
Keep in mind that a sponsor that works well is also with a sponsee that is eager to jump in.
I met with my most recent sponsor once a week
Before i had one i meet with every two days rain or shine
What I’m saying is where you are in your steps and sobriety is how well the
SPONSOR/SPONSEE relationship is going to work
It’s Not a perfect system but the right one will come along
In the meantime at least maintain accountability partners
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### Author:  [@JadaWaters](https://talkingsober.com/u/JadaWaters)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 5:41pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/8 "2023-06-20T17:41:25Z")
Because of my mental diagnosis, it’s really hard to find someone who understands and is invested in helping.
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### Author:  [@J\_Lo\_Ste](https://talkingsober.com/u/J_Lo_Ste)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 5:45pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/9 "2023-06-20T17:45:59Z")
While Bpd is a serious diagnosis the side effects of your bpd - the bad habits- can be addressed. When those get talked about it may help to write things down.
To help, those bpd actions that numb the addictions and are distracting and could be avoided.
Alcohol
Anger
Codependency
Stuff
Decide what it is you want to work on and start there
Bpd is not going away but the distractions can be made smaller
I hope you can find a sponsor
Decide what you want to work on first
It will be OK
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### Author:  [@J\_Lo\_Ste](https://talkingsober.com/u/J_Lo_Ste)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 5:48pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/10 "2023-06-20T17:48:33Z")
Also, if your on meds make that a part of the sponsor/ sponsee meetings
That might help
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### Author:  [@Englishd](https://talkingsober.com/u/Englishd)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 6:01pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/11 "2023-06-20T18:01:20Z")
I have a great sponsor. I’ve had him for 5 years.
A sponsor is not your therapist, banker, marriage counselor, taxi or anything else. A sponsor is there to take you through the 12 steps and help with sober living questions.
I am sorry that you’ve had such a negative experience with AA that you can cast such a broad judgment.
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### Author:  [@JadaWaters](https://talkingsober.com/u/JadaWaters)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 6:03pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/12 "2023-06-20T18:03:49Z")
I’ve been on an ssri for the past 4 years
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### Author:  [@JadaWaters](https://talkingsober.com/u/JadaWaters)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 6:07pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/13 "2023-06-20T18:07:36Z")
Yup see i need a therapist but therapy costs alot of money and i cant afford it. I tried going through places that take my insurance but after 4 therapists, i stopped trying. I had a referral to a local program and after doing an in depth assessment, the wanted to me to do a minimum of 3 days and then do out patient group therapy for 9 hours a week and when i told them my schedule and i cant skip work because i am the breadwinner they immediately became stumped and wasnt sure how to help me. She also told me if i stopped drinking on my own that i could die but also try not to drink…like…um…i am even more discouraged than i was before.
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### Author:  [@Englishd](https://talkingsober.com/u/Englishd)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 6:10pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/14 "2023-06-20T18:10:23Z")
Therapy is very difficult to get into and maintain. I agree. Unfortunately, sponsors are not there as a replacement for therapy or any type of mental health treatment. If that is what you’re expecting then you will be let down every time.
Simply put a sponsor is someone who got sober using the 12 steps and then guides the next person through the 12 steps. I found my sponsor by going to a lot of meetings and paying attention to the people who had the things I wanted out of life.
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### Author:  [@JadaWaters](https://talkingsober.com/u/JadaWaters)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 6:13pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/15 "2023-06-20T18:13:07Z")
Yeah people gave me the wrong impression of what a sponsor is. I gave up on therapy because i cant find someone who is committed to treating me.
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### Author:  [@Englishd](https://talkingsober.com/u/Englishd)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 6:17pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/16 "2023-06-20T18:17:00Z")
It’s a common misconception that a sponsor is some sort of end all be all, but really they are alcoholics just like us. I make myself available to my Sponsee’s to discuss mental health because I have a similar experience, as well as work in the mental health/substance use field, and I still make sure my sponsees know that I am not a professional.
That being said getting a sponsor and working the steps (in addition to therapy) had a positive effect on my mental health. I still deal with symptoms from time to time but am generally able to manage them
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### Author:  [@JadaWaters](https://talkingsober.com/u/JadaWaters)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 6:32pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/17 "2023-06-20T18:32:49Z")
Yeah thats definitely the way people have described it
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### Author:  [@JadaWaters](https://talkingsober.com/u/JadaWaters)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 10:50pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/19 "2023-06-20T22:50:40Z")
Thats what i thought it was to. But after the conversations here, i now get why it wasnt working.
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### Author:  [@Englishd](https://talkingsober.com/u/Englishd)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 10:51pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/20 "2023-06-20T22:51:36Z")
> [@ducksauce88](#):
>
> I confess that my understanding of AA sponsors is based on the movies lol
So you come on this thread and bash something you admittedly know nothing about. Way to scare off people from a potentially life saving program because of something you saw in the movies.
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### Author:  [@JadaWaters](https://talkingsober.com/u/JadaWaters)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 11:08pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/21 "2023-06-20T23:08:51Z")
I didnt see them bashing anything.
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### Author:  [@Cjp](https://talkingsober.com/u/Cjp)
#### Post date: [June 20, 2023, 11:19pm UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/22 "2023-06-20T23:19:35Z")
Have you heard of dual recovery? Its for people with mental illness and addiction. I found a group in my town and its like aa but more accepting of talking about the mental illness side of recovery as well
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### Author:  [@JadaWaters](https://talkingsober.com/u/JadaWaters)
#### Post date: [June 21, 2023, 12:07am UTC](https://talkingsober.com/t/finding-a-sponsor-is-hard/166359/23 "2023-06-21T00:07:45Z")
No i havent. I always been treated like its one or the other
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